I am writing you because I have an issue that I just cannot shake in my relationship. My man has a wandering eye. Like not just some wandering eye, but like a gross infatuation of some sort. It seems like every time we’re out and he sees a pretty woman he stares at her or would try and sneak glances. It is becoming very repetitive and I’m to the point where I don’t even want to go anywhere with him. I fear that maybe he hasn’t quite found what he is looking for in a woman. I don’t think he has cheated on me, but guys these days are so unpredictable and sneaky you never know.
I have found some questionable text messages before we were officially a couple so I really couldn’t get too upset. I know that he does have female friends, but I don’t know the full extent of their relationship, but he will talk to me about them so I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know much. He does look through my phone and tries to find things to validate any wrong doings on his part that I feel. But, I always tell him there’s nothing in my phone that I can’t explain nor am I on the defense about it. I network a lot because I have a small business and I want to keep people on a business friendly level. I’ve NEVER stepped outside of this relationship, but his behavior makes me question if he has or is looking to.
This situation makes me not trust him. I’m still young and at a point where I’m confident in what I want, and if it means letting him go then I’m willing to do it. I feel like I’m starting to dumb myself down. I won’t stoop on his level. I’d rather leave his ass high and dry missing the best thing he’s never had.
I am 26 years old and he is three years younger than me and I am gradually coming to the conclusion that maybe I need to fall back and let him be a young man and explore his options. I want marriage and children in the next 5-10 years and I’m just not for wasting any time on someone who doesn’t see my full worth or is looking for the next best thing.
When I approach him about the situation he gets defensive or will deny it which only makes me more mad because I’m not blind, and my eyes are where they are supposed to be, on him. He is all I see. My love, my supposed to be man, but that is never reciprocated in the presence of another beautiful woman. I tell him if he’s that type of man at least have some type of respect and don’t do it when with me. It makes me look very STUPID to people who catch on to it and to the female he stares at, and it makes him look trifling. I talk about guys who stare at me when they are with their woman, and behold I have that type of man. When I got into this relationship, I knew what I was getting into dealing with a younger man, and that there may be some mature issues. But, dealing with him was different. I thought that he was a little more mature than most guys at his age because he has a daughter and has a really great job, and is very responsible and for the most part he has a good head on his shoulders. However, the wandering eye I cannot deal with, especially if he’s gonna deny the fact that he even does it or doesn’t want to talk it out or make me feel less worthless.
Tons of thoughts go through my head. It makes me feel insecure, not good enough, and what does he see in her. Everyone has the right to acknowledge beauty. There’s nothing wrong with that. I would appreciate it more if he would even say it to me like hey baby that lady was pretty or she is beautiful. Like I said, I don’t have a problem with acknowledging beauty, but the staring for long periods of time makes me wonder what he’s thinking about. Is he imagining himself with someone else? I just don’t know anymore, but I’m tired of beating this dead horse. I can only imagine what goes on when I’m not around. I know that he loves me, but this issue really turns me off. That’s totally not a quality that I DO NOT want in my man. I even tried doing the same to him. He didn’t like it, but his behavior didn’t change. No matter how many times I acknowledge this issue and how it makes me feel he doesn’t change his behavior. Am I making too much of this? Do I need to try a different approach? Is it that big of a deal? Is this normal behavior for men? Or, do I need to let him be free? Please inspire me, guide me in the right direction. – Ms. Epiphany
Dear Ms. Epiphany,
Girl, girl, girl! This long ass letter. Jeezus!!! You really do know how to drive a point home, don’t you? LMBAO!
Okay, your man has a wandering eye. And, you stated at the VEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRY end of your letter that it is not a quality that you do not want in your man. You also stated that the situation makes you not trust him. So, why are you still in the relationship? Why are you compromising yourself? Why are you hanging around, holding on to a man that you’ve spoken with about his actions and how they make you feel, yet he hasn’t done anything to rectify his actions?
Now, you answer those questions and get back to me. I’ll wait. (Chile, I’m going to the movies to check out Columbiana and Contagion. Yes, I’m going to see a double feature, and I’m sneaking into one of the movies. Don’t judge me! I know y’all do it too!)
Look, Ms. Epiphany, (Do you even know what “epiphany” means? Go look it up.) you really need an epiphany. Your man is not your man. He is blatantly disrespectful. He has no regard for you or your feelings. He’s trifling. And, if you have any doubt that he’s doing something other than his wandering eye, then you’re absolutely correct. If he’s staring and watching women, he’s also approaching women.
But, hold up, Ms. Thang, you said that you found text messages before you were a couple, and that he has female friends but you don’t know the full extent of their relationship. (* *) Blank stare at you. Girl, you are just naïve and dumb. Uhm, sweetie, you need to know what those relationships entailed, how long they’ve been ‘friends,’ if they’ve slept together previously, and if they are currently sleeping together.
You need to understand the definition of your relationship and speak with him about defining what your relationship means and is. Also, you two need to be on the same page of understanding what monogamy means. Chile, I swear you people get into relationships with folks with no clear understanding or communication and just expect folks to behave accordingly. Uhm, here’s some BREAKING NEWS: If you don’t express what your expectations are in the relationship, and what your expectations are for one another, then you will end up with problems, issues, and challenges because you never discussed them from the beginning.
And, if he’s going through your phone to find out what you’re doing, then trust and believe, he is hiding something himself. Cheaters always think their mates are cheating as well. Guilty people always think their mates are guilty of something as well. And, someone who is doing something they are not supposed to be doing, they will make every attempt to accuse you of something to justify their behavior.
Now, to answer your questions: “Is he imagining himself with someone else?” Yes, he is. He is imagining all the things he would do with them in the bedroom, in the bathroom, kitchen, car, and wherever else his imagination takes him. He’s visually cheating, and it won’t be long before he is physically cheating.
You say you’re tired of beating a dead horse, then stop beating a dead horse! DUH!
If there is no trust in the relationship, then guess what, boo boo, you don’t have a relationship. No trust = No relationship.
“Am I making too much of this?” No, you’re not. A wandering eye will lead to a wandering d**k.
“Do I need to try a different approach?” Sure. Leave his ass.
“Is it that big of a deal?” Yes it is. It’s a tell-tale sign of who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. He will cheat on you. Or, probably already is.
“Is this normal behavior for men?” No, it’s not. All men do not do this. However, it’s human behavior to glance, or do a quick once-over. We can’t pretend we’re blind and not acknowledge it when we see someone attractive. But, staring, gawking, and watching every woman that walks by is someone who may have a sexual addiction, problem, or be a serial cheater.
“Do I need to let him be free?” Give him free! LMBAO! Girl, run. Run for the hills. Get out fast while you’ve got some sense.
Lastly, Ms. Gurl, he is not your man. He plays one for the sake of you. But, if he can be so disrespectful and gawk, stare, and visually rape women in your presence, then he clearly doesn’t think highly of you, nor does he respect you. It’s time to let him go. Like you said, you’re 26 years old. You’re still young. You can find and be with a man who will respect you, adore you, and make you feel like the only woman in the room even if Halle Barry, Gabrielle Union, Stacey Dash, LiseRaye, Serena Williams, and Keri Hilson are all in the same room. Now, he may sneak a peak, but you won’t catch him. LOL! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: email@example.com
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!