First off, let me just say that I absolutely LOVE reading your no nonsense advice! You give advice that is straight, with no chaser, which is why I’m writing you today.
My husband and I have hit a rather awkward stumbling block in our marriage of 5 years. He wants a baby NOW, and I don’t! Mind you, we already have a 3 year old together, and I’m still in school. Yes, I said it, I’m STILL IN SCHOOL furthering my education. Our 3 year old was what I like to refer to as our “miracle Depo baby.” At the time, we both weren’t ready for kids, but God saw fit to us having one, and she’s here! He was soooooooo overjoyed when she was introduced to the world, and for the past year, he’s been hounding me for another baby!
I’m only 24 years old, and would love to have my Master’s in Nursing (which is what I am working on now), while he’s 28 and in the military. My issue about the whole baby dilemma is the fact that yes, I have a job, but I don’t feel like I’m at what I call my “career plateau.” He has a career that’s going great for him. We’ve tried sitting down and talking about it to friends, family, and even counselors, which never goes over too well. He says that I’m being selfish, but this is my thing: he knew that I didn’t want to have kids until I reached my goal of having my MSN and started in my dream career. I’ve already had to take a detour on it once, and I’ll officially graduate next year. However, he doesn’t want to wait until next year. If I’m not pregnant by the end of the year, we could end up in divorce court. What on Earth should I do? – Not Ready For Another Baby
Dear Ms. Not Ready For Another Baby,
Girl, you better get pregnant and have that baby. You’re married. You’re your husband’s wife. He is the head of the household. Biblically, and theologically, you should adhere to what your husband wants. You are no longer two, but one entity. You are not separate from your husband. So, stop thinking and being independent. And, yes, it’s your body, but you belong to your husband.
Chile, I just love how you strong-minded independent-thinking women want to be rolling your neck with your hand on your hip telling your husband’s what you will or will not do. Then when you don’t do what your husband asks and he goes and finds someone who will do what he asks then you get upset and catch an attitude. LMBAO! Don’t you remember the vows you made to your husband – To have, honor, and obey. Didn’t you promise to be a faithful and true wife? I’ll wait while you think on that. Besides, I’m just asking the questions, honey.
Look, you’re going to be graduating from school next year, and if you get pregnant within the next month or two, you will still be able to graduate on time. Then, after you have the baby you can take the first few months off and search for a job while nursing your baby. Within three to six months you’ll have a job. And, if he wants a baby so damn bad, then tell him you will need a nanny to help you with the child as you prepare to go back to work. BOOM! BAM! POW! Honey, if he has demands, then you set some demands, too.
And, on the real, Ms. I Gotta Do Me, you two are both being selfish and thus you cannot hear one another. He wants what he wants, and you want what you want. So, in the midst of the both you not getting what you what, then your marriage suffers. You both are being so freaking bullheaded and don’t care what each other needs or wants are. Acting like two five year-olds at the playground stomping your feet because neither of you are getting your way. You both are fighting to be right that you both are losing. It’s so sad, and it’s all because you both want to be right. You will argue, fight, and bicker for the sake of being right about what you both want. Doesn’t that sound bizarre, stupid, and asinine? I mean come on! Grow up! All this takes is a matter of sitting down, listening to one another, getting to the root of the matter, and figuring out if this is really the best time to have another child.
Have you asked your husband why he wants to have a child? You didn’t say so in the letter. But, you sure did express why you didn’t want to have another child. That point is very clear. But, what is the root cause, or at the core of his desire to have another child? You need to find that out and it takes asking serious questions. Ask him: Why do you want to have another child right now? What is the rush or need to have another child right now? What does having a child mean to him? Is he hoping that you will have a boy the second time around? Can the two of you financially afford to have a second child right now?
But, this is what I don’t understand. How do you folks get married and yet you have no clear communication on what you want, or what your spouse wants? I’m so confused. Baby Jesus please help me. Y’all folks are just marching y’all happy asses down the aisle before you get to know your mates, or even listen to what they require in a marriage. Folks running around here like Shug Avery from the Color Purple screaming, “I’s married now. I said I’s married now.” SMDH!
You say you didn’t want to start a family immediately, but you got pregnant and had your first child. (Doesn’t that sound like a contradiction to what you both wanted?) Then, although you’ve said over and over and over and over again that you didn’t want to have kids until you were in your career, but your husband wants to have kids now, hmmmm, doesn’t that sound like you two have not been communicating with each other, and have not been expressing what your desires and wants are? Again, I’ll wait while you answer these questions.
So, girl, get your back into it, and start role-playing with your husband to produce another child. Make it a fun and exciting time. Stop stressing over it and making it seem like such a deplorable and horrible thing. You’re a family, a unit. And, you’re his wife. So start acting like a wife. And, trust me, Ms. Honey, it will not take you long to find a nursing job. That is a career that is in high demand. So, kudos to you for being in school (I peeped that little two snaps remark about you being in school getting your education). Go on girl! LOL! – Terrance Dean
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