These people just need to stop talking for a while.
Celebrities and politicians are asked to speak all the time. While sometimes they can make a ton of sense and be really poignant, other times, they just embarrass themselves. Let’s focus on them embarrassing themselves, why don’t we?
“Others have said Hitler, bin Laden, the slave masters…Oh wait! Hold up! Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we’d still be in Africa…We wouldn’t be here to get this ice and tattoos.”
Right, let’s make a holiday celebrating the slave masters. Because, without them, we wouldn’t have bling. It was totally worth it.
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — [pauses] — shame on you. Fool me — [pauses] — You can’t get fooled again.”
Um…we’re not sure that’s how it goes, Dubya.
“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”
We’re not ones to go around correcting people, but we don’t think “Bolivian” is an actual place. Now, “oblivion” works. But “Bolivian”? Hmmm…
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
*Looks at map* Dear Britney, can you tell us what sea separates Canada from the United States? Oh, right. Maybe it was the crazy sauce talking.
“What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?”
Paris, sit your rich a$$ down somewhere. Everybody knows about Wal-Mart. Even if you have money, you gotta be dumb as hell to not even know about the place.
“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman”
Dear Governator, we don’t think that’s how it works. We also think that procreation should be between a male and a woman. Brilliant!
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Flies and death and stuff. Sigh. Let’s just pray that those kids have some genius tutors growing up because they’re going to need it. Those genetics aren’t the strongest.
“When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the marriage of 1996 or prior to?”
Well, you kind of have to be married to commit adultery, Deion. And just the fact that you’re clarifying it means that you’re probably guilty of doing it at some point. Just sayin.
“If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.”
One word? *counts* “Big Business” seems to be two words using our calculators. And this man managed to earn billions? Thanks, America.
Touré: Let me ask you something real that millions of Americans are thinking about and wondering about you. Do you like teenage girls?
Kelly: When you say teenage, how old are we talking?
Touré: Girls who are teenagers.
Touré: 19 and younger.
Yeah, we’re going to assume that he may be guilty of peeing on teenagers. Acting like you don’t know what a teenager is? That’s just low.
Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.
You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!
Barack Obama, yeah.
What the f*** is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?
Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
What the f***?! That ain’t no f****n’ name, yo. That ain’t that n****’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f*** outta here.
You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.
I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The n****’s name is Barack. Barack? N**** named Barack Obama. What the f***, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his f*****’ name. Ima tell this n**** when I see him, “Stop that bullsh*t. Stop that bullsh*t” [laughs] “That ain’t your f****’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.
DMX, ladies and gentlemen.
“I think we want to figure out where he’s gonna play and where he’s gonna live” regarding her husband, who’s currently locked out along with his hoopster peers.
“What if he signed with the Oklahoma Thunder?” Seacrest asked her. “What would you do?”
“Is that a real team?” she asked, before turning to her sister in the background, asking, “Khloe, have you heard of that team?”
After a moment to think, Kim decided, “I would go to Oklahoma City … we’re not going to live a separate life.”
Your husband is an NBA player! You should at least know the teams that he played against, fool.
“Im a gangsta, gangstas don’t ask questions”
Um, we’re pretty sure that gangstas do ask questions. All the time. Y’know, trying to stay out of jail and stuff. Is there anyone in the world that doesn’t ask questions? What are you talking about, Weezy?
“I’m having anything they can give me to take off the edge cause I cannot be screaming like a wolf and pooping on no tables.”
What in the world does Phaedra talk about? Pooping on tables? Is that what you’re going to focus on during labor? Someone save that poor baby.