Dear Bossip: He Keeps Reneging On His Promises To Change Himself & I’m Fed Up

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I’m in a sticky situation and don’t know what to do. I’m a 21 year old University student with a full time job. I was dating a man 10 years my senior.

Aside from the age gap he has 2 kids by 2 different women. Most people around me (people who don’t know I have baggage too) said I was crazy to be dating him but the truth is I love him. I’ve known him for 4 years but we’ve only been together since June of this year because I didn’t want to be in such a serious relationship, with someone who has kids, when we first met. He has treated me like a queen, with the utmost respect and I’m also really close with his family, his children also really love me, the oldest even calls me mommy!

Here is my predicament, since we started dating in June he has made a lot of promises he has yet to keep. He said he would quit smoking (weed and cigarettes), he said he would change his phone number, he said he would go back to school to complete his engineering degree, and he also said he would buy a house. Aside from all these empty promises I recently caught him in a lie, it was a lie about something that happened before we were exclusive so I forgave him. I know I also brought baggage to the relationship as well. I was raped when I was 19 and he was there for me through it all even after I found out I contracted an STD as a result of the rape. He decided to be in an exclusive relationship with me regardless of my ongoing health issues and trust issues.

Now we’ve been fighting for the past few weeks and I broke up with him this past weekend but now I want him back. I know it’s only been 5 months but I’m simply tired of all the empty promises. I think a man his age should be more mature and responsible.  Should I stay with him to please my heart or should I leave him to keep my sanity? Also, if he makes these changes should I take him back eventually? I know I can do better but I truly love this man. – Needing Him

Dear Ms. Needing Him,

Hey, how are you doing baby momma number 3. Yes, that is exactly what you will be if your dumbass return to that relationship. Chile, I swear, you educated women truly lack common sense. It must be something in the water you’re drinking that’s damaging your cognitive thinking skills and basic rationale.

You’re in college, working on educating yourself, getting your life together, and empowering yourself, yet, you’re involved in a relationship with a man 10 years your senior with two kids by two different women, and he has no ambition, no goals, and nothing to offer you. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Just plain ole dumb! But, let’s deduct and do some calculations on this matter. I do hope math is your strong suit, but then again, judging by your letter, you don’t know basic computations.

Now, you said in your letter that you “didn’t want to be in such a serious relationship, with someone who has kids, when we first met.” Uhm, sweetie, isn’t that the complete opposite of what you’re doing? If you didn’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone who has kids, then why are you in a serious relationship with someone who has kids? (* –  *) Blank stare at you. I swear stupid is as stupid does.

But, I get it. And, first let me say that I’m sorry that you were raped and contracted an STD. My prayers are with you. No woman should have to suffer something so horrific and traumatizing. I do hope you are receiving therapy and counseling for it. However, I do feel that the only reason you are sticking with this low-life bum is because, as you’ve stated, “He decided to be in an exclusive relationship with me regardless of my ongoing health issues and trust issues.” You think and feel you are undesirable, and unworthy. Who would want to be with someone like you? Right? That’s what you’re thinking. But, you’re wrong. Stop berating and belittling yourself. You are God’s child. You are worthy, valuable, and loveable. And, despite what happened to you, you don’t have to lower your standards for the first piece of d**k willing to have you. Girl, slap yourself in the head for thinking something so asinine.

Now, let’s go back to your criteria, and standards of a man you are willing to date and be with. Does what you want and need match up with what you have? Take a close look at him and let’s not forget what you said you didn’t want. Does the two match up? Does the two even remotely come close? Hell No! Then why the “F” are you devaluing yourself for the sake of having a man just because he accepts one aspect of you? Any ole random man who comes along and tells you that he loves you regardless of what you’ve been through and your health issues and you’re ready to make him your knight in shining armor? Girl, stop eating those Raman noodles and wake your sleepy ass up.

If he is not bringing anything to the table, and he can’t keep his promises, then why remain in a relationship with him? If he is not willing to change for himself, then why the hell do you think he will change for you? Please explain that to me. Go ahead and explain it. I want to see how much of this college education is paying off for you.

Listen up, and listen good: You cannot make someone change for you. You cannot make someone change who does not want to change for themselves. You cannot make someone do something they are not ready to do. Stop trying to change folks and just work on you!!! Damn!

Then on top of all of this he has lied to you. One thing I know for sure, if he’ll lie once, he’ll lie again and again. Just like those empty promises he’s reneged on, he’s not in the least bit interested in making changes or improving his life. Hell, the man has two children by two different women. Doesn’t that tell you something? He’s not ready to commit. He’s not ready to settle down and be serious with anyone. He’s a little boy running around dumping his semen in random women and producing children, and this mofo has no home of his own, no real career, and no education. WAKE YOUR DUMBASS UP AND SEE WHAT’S REAL AND NOT WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.

I’m done with you, but hear me and hear me well. And, I want all of you readers out there to take this in as well. STOP DATING THE POTENTIAL IN PEOPLE. So many times we meet someone we think we really like because they sell us on their dreams and aspirations of who and what they want to be, yet, they are not being who and what they want to be. So, we get convinced by their lies, stories, and promises and buy into their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Ultimately you fall in love with the potential of the person. Stop it and stop it today. See them for who they really are and who they are bringing to the table. If they are not making any necessary steps toward improving their own life, and their own circumstances, then they will ultimately drag you down to their level and you will begin to resent them and yourself.

Look, Ms. Needing Him, please focus on your education. Focus on graduating college and getting into your career. And, please continue to seek counseling and therapy for the rape because I know you may still be dealing with some post-traumatic issues. Heal yourself. Heal your spirit. And, know that you are loved, loveable, and deserving of unconditional love. There are plenty of educated, smart, intelligent, and available men who would appreciate a woman like you. Just remember you’re special. You’re deserving. And, you’re worthy. – Terrance Dean 

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE! 

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