Dear Bossip,

I am desperately writing to you because I am completely confused.

Here is the deal. I was in a relationship for about four and a half years, off and on, with a seemingly good guy. We shared the same sense of humor, he had his -isht together (career wise), and although he wasn’t the most beautiful rose in the bouquet, I was attracted to him.

Over the course of our relationship he constantly made me second guess how he felt about me because he is “not an emotional guy.” We never touched or kissed. We would go months with no sex, even though we lived together (this would make me feel unattractive, which I can assure you I’m not). And, out of our relationship he never climaxed during sex with me (a first for me and another downer for my self esteem).

He would call me fat or insinuate I needed to eat more healthy. The heaviest I was with him is 120 lbs and I got down to 109, and I thought that would help out with the other issue (NOPE).He would call me dumb/stupid/retarded when we didn’t see eye to eye, and he eventually always seemed to be annoyed with me. Oh, and can I also add that after 41/2 years he only agreed to meet my family once because he “didn’t see what they had to do with the relationship.” He also hated my friends. We would stay together about a year and break up because he said we wanted different things.

One time he told me he thought he got a girl pregnant on one of our breaks but never gave her name, or any info about the baby, and before the baby was to be “due” he said he got a test and it wasn’t his and it just seemed made up. But every time we would end up back together because, “I am the only woman he would marry.”

Anyways, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and after our second try of living together and fourth attempt at working on things, I moved out. In between my break-ups with my ex I met a good guy. He is nice, loves his family and MINE, loves to go places, we enjoy a healthy sex life (and he enjoys sex with me), and is extremely nice to me, BUTTTTTTT, he is cheap at times, smacks his food, and his personality is ……Corny. He also can be a little bit of a jerk (but he really tries). But, I do not question that he loves me and will treat me nice.

My ex and I still talk and he is nicer than ever now that we are apart. He also desires me sexually now that we are apart (but still doesn’t climax). I know it’s wrong to cheat but I don’t want to lose either of them. Even though my ex is a complete JERK I feel like no one could ever understand him like me. But I feel like the new guy treats me with the attention and respect I deserve. I truly care about him but the annoying habits are too much. Am I being too picky? Is the new guy not “the one” either? Why does it still seem appealing to go back to my ex and be treated like crap? I am 24 and both men are close to 30 (my ex is 29 and the new guy 30 and divorced (her fault)). I feel like the decisions I make now will either lead me to great marriage or a life filled with rocking chairs and cats. PLEASE HELP. – Desperately Confused

Dear Ms. Desperately Confused,

Sigh! Why do women knowingly choose men who are no good for them? Why do women knowingly choose a man who berates, belittles, and demeans them? Why do you find that type of behavior acceptable or intriguing? What about you and your self-esteem is that low and worthless that you feel you need someone in your life to tell you how stupid, dumb, and retarded you are? Are you stupid, dumb, and retarded? Well, why am I asking that question. Of course you are if you’re willing to put up with that type of mistreatment from your ex-boyfriend.

It’s obvious that somewhere in your life, (particularly from your past) someone made you feel worthless, small, and insignificant. Someone stole your joy and happiness, probably a parent or someone you truly loved, and they told you how ugly and worthless you were, and when that happened you believed them. You believed everything they told you. So, you convinced yourself that is who you are. And, ironically, because you haven’t healed or sought therapy for what happened, you unknowingly and subconsciously choose men who reinforce what you feel and think about yourself.

Thus, your ex-boyfriend is a representation, in another form, of the very person who started this destructive cycle of hurt, pain, and mistreatment that you find so alluring, and comfortable. It’s sad how people become comfortable with what’s damaging to their soul and spirits, and they know it’s wrong, but they refuse to do anything about it.

Just like you said that you’re not fat, but you continue to diet and lose weight because you think you are. However, how we see ourselves and compare ourselves to the outside world we will find everything to justify how we feel about ourselves. Thus, you’ll find ways and things about yourself to convince yourself that you’re fat. And, lo and behold, you have a man in your life who reinforces it for you, so therefore you don’t have to say it to yourself any longer. Now you have a man who does it for you.

Pay attention. I know I’m going a little deep for you. Lawd, I hope this poor chile can keep up. This isn’t basic life skills any longer. This is some Harvard type of –ish, so I hope you can keep up with that technical college certificate. LOL!

Anyway! Everything you don’t like about you, your ex is affirming it for you. How you show up in life is how others will treat you. So, you’re asking me, “Why does it still seem appealing to go back to my ex and be treated like crap?” Well, Ms. No Brain In Your Head, it’s because you treat yourself like crap. If you think you’re worthless, then guess what? Others will treat you worthless. If you think you’re trash, then get inside the Hefty trash bag and wait for garbage pick-up day.

In regards to the new guy that treats you well, makes love to you, and enjoys being with you, well, guess what you’re doing? You’re doing the very thing your boyfriend does to you, and what you do to yourself so often. You find things wrong with him and make him out to be wrong. You over exaggerate the situation, or his idiosyncrasies, just like you and your ex-boyfriend does to you. The very pain and hurt you do to yourself, and that your ex-boyfriend does to you, you are doing it to your new boyfriend. In other words, Hurt People, Hurt Other People.

Oh yeah, before I forget. The fact that your ex-boyfriend doesn’t and has never reached a climax with you during sex, and he complains about your weight, and he berates you as a woman. Uhm, sweetie, he’s gay! If he can’t obtain a climatic release during sex, and he can’t seem to stand the sight of you, then what part of this equation are you missing? Girl, let me get out of here and stop picking on you before you start liking me and writing in more frequently asking me to talk harshly to you, bend you over and spank you, and pull your hair.  You need some Jesus in your life, and I hope you find the source of your unworthiness and low self-esteem. – Terrance Dean

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