After reading what you have told others I REALLY need your advice.
I’m a 29 year old independent young lady with my own car, job, place and things. After moving to a new state, I met a good guy (who I didn’t know before moving), that I have a lot in common with, and trust, care for, laugh with, and who keeps and makes me happy, and whom I now love. Though it has only been a few months (4 very lovely months) I haven’t ever felt like this before and can see a future with him. He’s all that I secretly prayed for in a partner!
What’s bothering me is that he is 30 years old, not gainfully employed, and not the greatest at making sound money decisions. I still allowed him to move in knowing he wasn’t working. In the time that I have known him he has been saying he is going to do what it takes to get back to work and be every thing he can be and be the partner/companion I need and he wants to be.
My issue is my patience is running thin since I feel like it has been awhile already! I have been VERY understanding (he has damaged or broken a few of my things and has not been able to replace them). I moved here with the little I could pack in my sedan, and now I’m making less and my bills alone are more than what I’m use to. So, I don’t have much to spare. And I don’t want to lose what could be great for me, but I’m feeling like everything has happened so fast since our connection is so strong. But, I DO want a partner that can do for me what I already do for myself, and who can provide for me in every aspect. He’s very encouraging, supportive, and really treats me like a queen. And though he doesn’t have a steady job, what he does get for being ex-military he shares with me (but it’s not enough to cover expenses).
I’ve been in past relationships where later I felt used and like a fool because of the guy lying about his circumstances and me paying for EVERY THING. I’m not a gold digger (or I wouldn’t have got with him to start with) but I’m not going to be a fool either. I’m so confused about what to do. I love him and don’t want to make him pay for another’s mistake, but I also don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I don’t feel like it is too much to ask that he is able to provide for himself consistently before he gets with me, but I feel like I have already allowed him to get with me without this in place already.
Is it possible to now slow it down and hold off on the romance and sex till he makes better finical decisions, gainfully employed, shows that he is the provider, and the security I need in a real relationship? So please help me!!! Is it to late to start over? To just be friends for awhile? Am I tripping for trying to have a relationship with him since he’s not everything I feel I need right now or should we try and take it slow since it seems he’s all I want later? – Ms. Did I Ruin It With My Good Guy
Dear Ms. Did I Ruin It With My Good Guy,
Let’s see here, (pulls out my Good Guy calculator), he doesn’t make sound money decisions, he lives with you, he’s not gainfully employed, and he’s broken and damaged a few things in your place and hasn’t replaced them. Hmmm, well, according to my Good Guy calculator, your man is a jerk and a broke ass bum who’s living off your happy ass.
Also, according to my Good Guy calculator, if you’re paying for everything, and he’s living with you FOR FREE, and his contribution to the household is the sex he’s giving you, then that makes him a Gigolo, and you’re his sugar momma. WOW! You guys should really invest in this Good Guy calculator. It really breaks it down for you.
And, girl, I spit out my apple juice this morning when I read the line in your letter, “He’s very encouraging, supportive, and really treats me like a queen.” I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Of course he’s encouraging and supportive. He’s saying to you, “Go out there and get that money, baby! I love you! I got your back! You can do anything you put your mind to. (This is when he inserts his penis in your mouth). You are my queen. Let me rub your back, (he removes your blouse and bra), and let me rub your feet (he removes your stockings and shoes), and let me make you feel good (he removes your skirt and panties).” And, that’s how a player earns his player card. The End! LMBAO!
So, now you want to put everything on hold and slow down after you’ve realized that he’s not everything you want right now, but you want to hold on to him until he becomes the man you need some day. (* - *) Blank stare at you. Are you freaking kidding me? Are you really serious right now?
You said that in your past relationships you’ve been with men who have used you, and yet, now you’re in the same predicament in another state expecting things to be different because you changed the scenery? LMBAO! I can’t! Not today! I won’t do it! Don’t you know that wherever you go, there you will be? You can’t run from your problems and situations and expect them to change just because you changed locations. You take your problems and situations with you. So, the men you meet who have used you in the past will not change, they will just show up in your new location. And, you are the common denominator in all of this. You keep choosing these men who use you, thus, you keep repeating the same pattern. Now, do the math, sweetie. Is your man the problem or is it you?
But, hold up, you’ve only known him for four months and moved him in with you, and you knew he didn’t have a job, and isn’t good with money. Yet, you’re complaining about the decision you made? I’m confused sweetie. If you knew all of this, and according to you he’s such a good guy, and you have all these wonderful things in common, and you can see a future with him, uhm, boo boo, if you can’t get past the four months of his unsettling behavior then please explain to me how you can see a lifetime with him? (Pulls up a chair and perches in front of you with my head cocked to the side waiting on you to explain).
You said that in this time he’s been telling you that he is going to do what it takes to get back to work and be every thing he can be and be the partner/companion you need and that he wants to be. So, has he been telling you this as he lays between your legs and whispers sweet nothings in your ear, or after he makes you scream out his name during the height of ecstasy?
But, I know a player with game when I see and hear one. And, this dude has game on you and he’s telling you what you want to hear. You’re the new chick in town, and you’re the naïve dumbass who is willing to put up with his lying and scheming ways because if he’s such a good man don’t you think some woman would have snatched him up already? Don’t you think some other woman would have made him marry her and they’d be living a life of blissful happiness like the one he’s promising you? Yeah, uhm, Ms. Thang, I hate to break it to you, but that game he’s running is tired and they don’t even sell it any longer. The women where you just relocated to are all aware and hip to his game. He can’t run it on them, thus, he’s found a new bird (that’ll be you) who is pecking at his worm happily and gleefully.
You should give him a timeline and some conditions. Let him know that he has 30, 60, or 90 days to get a job so that he can help with the rent, utilities, and food. And, once he’s stable, then he should be expected to pay the entire rent. Because that’s what a good man who is doing something will do. Then, let him know about the things that he’s broken or damaged and the expected costs to have them repaired or replaced. Yes, get him a bill, an invoice, and present it to him. I would also draw up a contract so that in case he decides to dip and leave you empty handed, then you will have some legal standing to collect your coins. Let him know that you’re all for helping a brother, and you’re willing to stand by his side and encourage him, but he needs to make some steps of his own in being a provider and making you feel secure. And, if he doesn’t step his game up in the timeline of the agreed terms, then make him kick rocks and put his ass out! If you don’t take a stand now, you will continue falling on your back for him. – Terrance Dean
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