I really need help sorting this situation out with logic rather my emotions.
I recently started dating a guy (about two months now). We really clicked and the chemistry is crazy. I’ve never connected with anyone like this before. We’ve hang out a few times, and I’ve meant a few members of his family. And things seems to be going ok… (We have not been intimate).
I knew he had a child from a previous relationship, but it was my understanding that him and the child’s mother were no longer together. But, of course he communicated they had a child together.
Well, come to find out…I had received an interesting voice message from, lo and behold, his WIFE who was expecting their second child!!
Shocked and devastated, I confronted him. Long story short, he said that they were “not together,” they were officially separated, and stopped living together 4 months before meeting me, and that she refuses to sign the divorce papers. That she was jealous, etc., blah blah, etc…
And the reason he didn’t come out front with it, was because he didn’t want to scare me off.
So what do I do? Could there be some truth to this twisted situation?
I have since been ignoring his calls, texts , but he is nonstop and wants to start over, fresh, brand new.
But I can’t ignore the elephant in room. Second child on the way – in three months. Still legally married.
I obviously do not want to invest time in someone who is unavailable and taken. That is just not cool. Do I just ignore him until he falls off the face of the earth? LOL…
I’m not mad at him (per se) just sad and disappointed. Because I really did start to have feelings for him and I kind of want closure. So, I feel at some point a conversation will have to take place.
Could we keep it in the friend/buddy lane? Any comments/advice you can provide would be great. I need a point of view that is neutral to the situation or the people involved. Thanks for your help! – Should I Believe Him
Dear Ms. Should I Believe Him,
Yes, ignore him. He is married. So what he is separated, he is still married. Do you want to be involved with a married man? (Sidebar note: Married men lie and tell more lies to other women. They will make promises of getting a divorce but it will never happen.)
And, no you cannot and will not be friends/buddies with him. It’s not going to work or happen. He will always harbor emotional and romantic feelings for you, and when an opening occurs, BAM! He will pounce on you like a lion on a gazelle. Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’tdoit.com!
Look, you were dating him for two months, and in those two months it never occurred to him to be honest and upfront with you about being MARRIED!?!? Hmph! I tell you, these men running around here playing on their wives, and then get caught up because their dirty d**k asses want to plant more seeds in other women. Girl, puhlease! Tell that bum that you are not a chickenhead or buzzard. If he felt you were so wonderful and amazing, and he really wanted to invest in you, then he would have been honest from the beginning.
I can’t stand when people lie, and then when you discover them lying, all of a sudden they want to get righteous and start over fresh and new. Uhm, no ma’am, how about you start righteous and fresh and new from the beginning?!? Don’t take away my option or choice in the matter by lying to me. If you deceive me once, then I know you will do it again. And, Ms. Thing, he will do it again! Trust me!
Do you realize that he took your option away from you of making a choice in the matter about the situation? He didn’t allow you to have any say about it. He removed your ability to have power of the course of the situation. Who knows, you may been okay with it. You may have been willing to work with him if he was honest from the beginning. But, he didn’t consider that. He was selfish and looking out for himself. He only wants to get in your pants. He can’t start a relationship with you, or even be there for you emotionally, mentally, or physically. HE BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE!
Point blank, the man lied about being married and having a child on the way. LISTEN CLOSELY AND WATCH WHAT HE IS DOING! He lied to you. He is married. Which means he walked down the aisle in front of his family, friends, and loved ones, and stood before a pastor and vowed his love and life to a woman before God. Now, you do the math and you tell me if he should have been honest from the beginning about being married? Girl, you don’t want me to pull out my bull-ish calculator.
Look here, the man only told you parts of the truth after his wife called you. Notice I said parts of the truth because there is more to the story that you don’t know. There is his story, her story, and the truth somewhere up in there. Right now, according to my bull-ish calculator, that is too many damn people involved in this situation. So, what would have happened if his wife had not called you? At what point would he had been so righteous and honest with you? After you had sex? After you were together six months, or a year? When he got you pregnant and then he had to reveal to you about his wife and two children which would be your child’s brothers and sisters? Think about that and let it marinate in the crock pot.
Then you say the reason he didn’t come out front with it, was because he didn’t want to scare you off. Well, BOOOOOOOOO! You’re scared, and running for your life!
And, sweetie, his wife is calling your phone and leaving voice messages. Is this a situation you are prepared to deal with? Because she is not going anywhere. She will always be a part of his life because they have children together. And, their divorce will become bitter and nasty. And, guess who is going to be all in the middle of it – YOU!
The next time he calls, you need to let him know that it’s over. Tell him to stop calling and harassing you. And, you can use my words, “Mister man, I don’t do married men’s. Leave me the “F” alone!” CLICK! And, no, you can’t be friends, buddies, sex partners, or anything else. He needs to leave you alone and get on with his life. And, if he doesn’t stop calling let him know that you will go to the police and get a restraining order taking out on him. And, pay attention, darling, if he is harassing you now, he will do it when you’re in a relationship. And, look at both the behavior of his wife and him, they both are harassing you. Hmmm, I need you to wake up and pay attention. This is not what you need in your life. Nip this –ish in the bud right now! And, so what, he may have been a good guy, and you clicked with him and the chemistry was crazy, but you were meeting his representative. You know, the person he wanted you to meet and fall for. You did not click with the real him did you? I think not. Look what you’ve discovered about him two months. Hell, imagine what’s going to come out in month three, six, and nine. Hopefully you won’t stick around to find out. Move on, and know there are plenty of other single, eligible and available men out there you will connect with, and who will be honest from the beginning. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!