I have been dating my boyfriend for about nine months.
We are a happy couple and falling in love every day. I am a hardworking woman who has been at her job nearly seven years, and I am finishing my degree in psychology. My man is a hospital worker who just got laid off because of cutbacks. He just found another job at another hospital and awaiting to be called. He states I am the one for him and I feel same way. Our relationship is not perfect; we take our relationship one day at a time. And, maybe, one day we will start a family, but there is something holding me back from giving him a son or going raw dog.
When I start getting serious about someone I make them take every test possible under sun at the free clinic. He agreed to do the test with a little resistance. I kept asking him why was he so reluctant to go when I had set a date to go to the clinic. I finally broke him down and he told me that he was married before and divorced (I already knew he was married and divorced according to my Intel).
My man said that he was married for ten years and that his ex wife cheated. He found out he had Hepatitis B during a blood drive at the hospital he used to work at. My man thought I would leave if he told me the truth. I did not leave him, but my fear is catching it.
We use protection every time we are intimate. He wants children now, and he wants them naturally. My question is should I do it. I know he can get a shot to prevent Hepatitis A, B, and C, but there is still a risk. He says I am making him feel like a disease walking. I do not know what to do. – Go Raw Or Not
Dear Ms. Go Raw Or Not,
Let me get this straight: He wants you to have his children, and he wants them naturally, but he didn’t mention anything about marriage. Hmmmm, and he has Hepatitis B. (Gets up from my chair and takes a long walk to the liquor store. Purchases several bottles of Vodka for my New Year’s Eve party, and cracks one open and takes a long deep sip).
Okay, let me back up a little bit. You are considering having a family with a man who has Hepatitis B, and he didn’t tell you about his diagnosis, although you’ve been dating for 9 months? And, the only reason he told you is because of your insistence of getting tested before you become serious in your relationship and going raw dog!?!?!
Miss. Ma’am (I’m being respectful, here), because as much as I’m going to refrain from calling you a Donkey or Jackass or Dumbass for even considering going raw dog or remaining in the relationship, I will bite my tongue and pray to the good Lord that whatever bit of common sense you have will manifest itself somehow and in some fashion IMMEDIATELY! (Where is Big Momma and ‘em!?! I need a prayer circle.)
And, you have the audacity and nerve to sit up here and tell me that you’re getting your degree in Psychology?!?! Do you even understand what Psychology is? Do you attend an accredited four-year university or college? Or, is it some trade school online that you found through the Education Connection commercial? Because you’re on some bull-ish.com right now! I do happen to know that as a special needs person that your mental motor skills may be much slower and thus it prevents you from enrolling in an accredited four-year institution. I do hope that you do not further your education by obtaining a master’s or PhD in Psychology because your patient’s will be just as lost and confused as you.
The hell is wrong with your ass!!! If you’re a hardworking woman with values, morals, and respect then why are you even considering defaulting on your commitment to yourself regarding men and having safe sex? And, I do commend you for being smart about protecting yourself, and for making your partners get tested along with you before you go raw dog. But, if that is something you pride yourself on, and lo and behold, you happen to come across a man who does have a disease that is CONTAGIOUS and it can be passed along to you through unprotected sex, and you are someone who goes to great lengths to protect herself, then why are you even asking me this question? LISTEN TO YOURSELF ASK ME THIS DUMB ASS QUESTION! LISTEN TO YOURSELF ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE ASKING ME!!!!!!
Having unprotected sex with him is non-negotiable, non-negotiable, non-negotiable, non-negotiable. Ugh, I wish I could just grab and shake some of you until I see the light come back into your eyes. What is wrong with you women?
Yes, it is treatable. Yes, there is a small possibility it may not be transmitted to you if it is treated properly. I read up on it. And, I’m glad you did your research as well. But, like you said, and like I read, there is a small risk. So, you’re willing to gamble on that small risk that you won’t contract it? Well, gamble on Ms. Vegas-I-Got-A-One-In-A-Million-Chance-That-I-Won’t-Catch-It. But, err, uhm, it’s not my body it’s yours. (Looks down at my nails. Damn! I should get a manicure before the New Year)
I’m going to pause right here and do a brief Public Service Announcement: This is what happens when a woman is soooooo desperate to have a man that she will put herself and her body at risk for a man who’s been lying to her, and then turns around and makes her feel guilty about his deceiving and trifling ass, so, to prove him that she is a Ride or Die chick (insert Chrissy from Love & Hip Hop), and that she got his back, and will always love him (insert Whitney Houston singing), that she will consider an asinine request, and jump in the bed with him and let him run up in her raw dog with the hopes that he will see how much she loves him.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled reading: Ms. Honey, your man has been lying to you since you’ve been dating. Well, maybe he didn’t lie, but he withheld the truth from you. He did not divulge important information regarding his health status. He’s been doing so for the past the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 months. That is a huge NO-NO! And, let me ask you this: He told you that he got it from his ex-wife. Hmmmm, really? Really! Really? He’s been lying to you for 9 months and you think he’s going to come clean about how he contracted it? How convenient of him to blame it on his ex-wife, whom you cannot verify it with? (That was a snide comment and I’m being facetious).
Now, as a reasoning sound-minded person I would like to say that a disease, especially one that is contagious, is something you should reveal immediately when dating someone, especially if you’ve been together for more than a month. Waiting to tell someone, or withholding this very important information because they fear you will leave them if you knew the truth is not an excuse. And, then, after he told you he has the nerve to say that you’re making him feel like a walking disease?!?! Girl, he is a walking disease! HELLO!!!!!
I don’t know what part of LOVE is this, but I do know that if someone LOVES someone they are truthful and honest with them at all times! Not when it’s convenient for them to use the word or say it. And, they will not put the person they love in harm’s way or danger, nor would they lie, manipulate, and deceive their partner or people they love. Love is not about being selfish. It’s self-less. (In my Stewie Griffin high-pitched voice, “Does your man have those attributes?”)
So, re-read my entire answer back to yourself and then I want you to let it marinate and simmer in your head for a few days. I know the d**k is good. I know you love him. I know you’ve been working with him and helping him get on his feet. I understand that he may not have cheated on you, and other the other things you’re sitting over there telling yourself that you feel make him a good man. But, think it over long and hard – 1.) He’s been lying to you for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 months. If he’s lying about his health status then trust and believe he’s lying about other things. 2.) He doesn’t love you. He may want to love you, but love wouldn’t allow him to lie to you for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 months about his health status, and love wouldn’t allow him to ask you to put yourself at risk to contract Hepatitis B, nor the child he wants you to have. 3.) He hasn’t asked you to marry him, but he wants you to go raw dog with him, start a family, but yet he has Hepatitis B? Girl, I’m done. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!