I am a young mother of three. Unfortunately, my children’s father and I are not together.
The guy I’m dating I’ve know for about 7 years now. We’ve been just friends for the last 5 years. Shortly after we met in 2006, he moved to Florida. We stayed in touch and he became one of my best friends. We wouldn’t talk every single day, but whenever we did talk we spoke about any and everything. He knows things about me that no one else knows. While he was in Florida he got married. At first he stated his marriage was solely to get his “papers” because he was an immigrant. As time passed he and the young lady dated and fell in love. So, now they are married for love, “supposedly.”
Fast forward….they’ve now been married a couple of years and we are still in touch. He finally got around to filing for his stuff and now has his “stuff.” The relationship started to wither between the two of them, and after having enough he decided to move back to New York.
Upon him moving back to New York we started talking a little more than before. I was single and while he was still legally married, he was “single” as well. It wasn’t long before we started dating. But, what was once never an issue for me is now becoming my very harsh reality. He says he is still legally married because he hasn’t yet filed for his citizenship (he only has green card status), and as soon as he completes that then he will get a divorce. He lives in his “wife’s” parent’s home in New York and she (the wife) pops in and out of New York without my knowledge of her ever being here.
It is now almost two years and absolutely no change has been made. We’re still dating and I use the term “dating” very loosely, for we only go out if I ask him to accompany me to the movies or dinner or something and I foot the bill. It has been many nights he’s unreachable without any reason at all, besides maybe he fell asleep or he forgot his phone in his car.
He doesn’t want to get married again and he doesn’t wants to have kids with me. So he’s still legally married, living in his “in-laws” house and no signs of anything changing, anytime soon. I want more. I want to get married because I’ve never been before. I also would like to have more kids because I never had a great experience being pregnant. Am I being naive? Am I wrong because I knew of his situation before our relationship got personal? Should I walk away or stick around and see if things are going to change once he gets his citizenship in order?? – Ms. Confused
Dear Ms. Confused,
Girl, I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!
Are you freaking serious right now?!?!
You actually took the time to sit down and write this MoFo letter, and you have the audacity to ask me some bull-ish about a man who is an immigrant who married another woman to stay in this country legally, and you’ve been seeing him for the past two years and he hasn’t taken the necessary steps to get a divorce from his wife, and he’s told you that he doesn’t want to get married again and he doesn’t want to have kids with you!
Now, you’re asking me if you’re being naïve because you want to get married and have kids, and you hope he will change his mind after he gets his citizenship. You know what, you really are a donkey. A big ole jackass.
You see, this is why I go so hard on some of you dumb ass broads. The hell kind of retard knowingly dates an immigrant who is illegally in this country, because I know his green card has expired, and he’s married to another woman and you know he only married her to get his green card? Then on top of it all this he is living in his wife’s parent’s home, and he only goes out with you when you invite him and you have to foot the bill!!!! Uhm, Ms. Special-Needs-With-The-Brain-On-Vacation, do you really think you will have some type of future with this man????
Did he put some type of hex on you, or worked some voodoo spell that got you all “F’d” up in the head? Let me close my eyes as I type this because I don’t want my eyes to see any more of this and I become infected. I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!!!!
And, just because of you, I am opening my school a week earlier. It’s official: The doors are open to the Academy for Dumbass Women Who Date Illegal Immigrants Hoping She’ll Become A Princess Like Kate Middleton.
I have you enrolled in three classes:
D**kology 101: How To Emotionally And Mentally Wean Yourself Off The D**K
Mandingo 101: How To Spot An Illegal Immigrant And Run Like Hell When He Approaches You
Dating Married Men 101: You’re A Side Chick, A Hoe, And You’ll Never Be Wifey, So Stay In Your Lane
He is not your man. He is married, whether it is legal, or for immigration purposes, the man is still married. LEAVE HIM ALONE!! FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO IS AVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY. FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO IS NOT USING WOMEN TO GET INTO THIS COUNTRY. This man is not, and I repeat, HE IS NOT going to marry you. He is not going to change his mind after he gets his citizenship, if that ever happens. He is not interested in spending any quality time with you, nor is he interested in you as a person. He is only using you, and you are allowing him to. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
How about you invest all this time and energy into your three children who don’t have a father in their life. Your children need to see you being about something and doing something instead of running behind some man who will probably be deported in a few months. And, how about you invest in getting an education and improving your life and getting out of this hood mentality of waiting for someone to save you.
You know what; I have a novel idea. How about you go out in the street and pick up a homeless dude, and start dating and sexing him. Your man is no better. You’re dating a man who is married, an illegal immigrant, and lives in his sponsor’s parent’s home. Ma’am, hello!?! Ma’am!!! He’s homeless and a bum. What can he possibly offer you? What can he bring to the table to improve or make your life better? In laymen’s terms, are you going to upgrade with him or is it a downgrade? Well, considering who you are anything will be an upgrade.
But peep this, on top of it all you have to call and invite him out because he never calls you to take you out, and, Ms. Paying-For-D**k, you have to foot the bill!!!! You’ve got to be the biggest non-flying bird in your neighborhood. Whatever hair and glue treatments you are putting on your head, please stop it because the combination of your silliness, his Mandingo d**k, and the non-adhesive glue is messing with your brain.
Girl, in so many words, the man has basically told you that he doesn’t want your bum basic ass. He has said to you that he is not interested in marriage, and he doesn’t want to have kids with you. He’s telling you, “I DON’T WANT YOU AND WE’LL NEVER BE TOGETHER!” Did you comprehend that?
Ladies, ladies, ladies when a man ignores your calls, doesn’t bother to invite you out, and every time you do go out you are footing the bill, then you are a trick. You are paying for the d**k. And, you deserve to be treated like a low class hoe with nothing to show for it.
Please, please, please give me his address so I can report him to immigration. I know he has overstayed his Visa and green card. That’s why he is hiding out at his wife’s parent’s home, and won’t divorce her. He’s no fool. He’s got you spreading your legs for him, taking him out, and probably putting money in his pocket. And, he’s got the other bird to marry him to get a green card so that he can be in this country legally. And, in reality, he ain’t thinking about neither one of you. He’s playing both of you Miss-American-Women-Who-Don’t-Mind-Sharing-An-Immigrant-Because-You’re-So-Desperate-To-Be-Loved.
Why am I even bothering writing and responding to you? You’re going to do what you want to do anyway. You’re hoping and wishing he is going to make you his princess bride and sweep you off to his country, where I’m certain he’s a prince, right? And, of course his father has billions of dollars, but because he Came To America, his father cut him off from all the funds, and because he has too much pride and wants to prove to his father he can make it on his own, he is roughing it out in America where he is being his own man, huh? Sit your ass over there Ms. Future Mustafa and wait on him all you want. And, if there ever is a day when you two will get married, I want an invitation to this multi-million dollar wedding. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!