I’m a Caucasian woman who has been with the same guy for 7 years. He’s Dominican.
I say “been with” loosely because in that time he’s never really claimed me. At first I thought the reason that we never went out in public on dates and the reason he never introduced me to anyone as his girl was because I WAS morbidly obese. I thought maybe he was embarrassed and he thought people would make fun of him. Although we hung out (inside) and were intimate, he always made degrading comments about fat people.
During our relationship, I gave him money, drove him around because he doesn’t have a car, and did all kinds of girlfriend things for him. I insisted on using condoms because I knew he was seeing other girls on the side. A few years ago one of the girls got pregnant and they had a child. He said that she was trying to trap him and because the girl is some crazy Dominican chick. I believed him. About 2 years ago, another girl said she was pregnant with his child, but he denied that the baby was his because the girl was the neighborhood slut. Eventually, as the baby grew up it started to look just like him, and his family forced him to acknowledge the child. I stuck with him through it.
In the past 2 years I started dieting and exercising and I lost A LOT of weight. I can buy clothes in regular sizes in regular stores now. I was so proud of myself because I thought finally things would change in my relationship. However, they have not. Sometimes he’s really sweet to me and he tells me he can’t see himself with anyone else, but we’ve yet to start dating in public. His family and friends all know me and probably suspect that we have something going on, but he’s never acknowledged that to them.
I show up to his kids’ birthday parties. I’m the one who goes out to buy stuff for the party if they run out. I’ve done all I can to show that I’m down for him. Sometimes he just gets in these moods where he’ll treat me like -ish for days and then he’ll act like nothing happened. I don’t know how much more I can take, but I love him and I want to make it work. He was my first and I want him to be my only. I want us to eventually get married and have a family. I feel like if I give him an ultimatum, it might backfire and I don’t want him to be out of my life. I just don’t know what else I can do. I have a career, a and Master’s Degree. I’m a good person. I’m not unattractive anymore. What more can I do? Please help! – Tired of Waiting
Dear Ms. Tired Of Waiting,
Girl, let me tell you something about Spanish men: They have some voo-doo on their d**ks and it is truly addictive. STAY AWAY FROM IT AND THEM!!! They know how to work their hips, mouths, hands, and anything else to keep you under their spell. And, whatever they say to you seductively in Spanish while they are pumping inside you, please don’t fall for it. It’s a trap!
And, sweetie, that woe-is-me mentality of “I’m fat and unattractive,” is just that, unattractive. Who the hell wants to be with someone who doesn’t find themselves appealing? I know a lot of big girls who love every curve, inch, and fatty cell of their bodies. They embrace it and walk proudly down the streets stomping their beauty and pride. So, boo boo, I hate to break it to you, but you never were unattractive. You were and always have been beautiful. The sad part about this entire story is that you don’t and have never recognized your own true beauty.
Let me break this down for all of you out there: Beauty is not what’s on the outside, how much make-up you put on, how much hair you can buy and lace your head with, or the designer clothes you purchase to cover up your bodies. Beauty is the grace, poise, dignity, intelligence, and light that emanates from within. It’s how you smile, speak, and radiate from that magnificent glow of knowing your self-worth, and loving yourself.
Ba-by, I’ve met some of the most beautiful people, yet, they have the most horrible dispositions, and attitudes. When they open their mouths and the horrible and nasty things that come out of it will make your stomach turn. Yes, those beautiful people are some of the most ugliest people you will know. And, they’re miserable, lonely, unhappy, and angry. They are always complaining about something, and they don’t see the good in anything. And, they think they are better than everyone. So, I don’t “F” with them. I tell them to their faces how ugly and nasty they are. I let them know that their –ish does stink and it looks like they are sitting in.
Now, let’s get a few things clear and out of the way: He is not your man. He will never be your man. He is not interested in being in a relationship with you. You are the convenient “go-to” woman who has made herself available to him time and time again. So, therefore, he treats you like the “go-to” woman that you allow yourself to be.
This man made derogatory comments about fat people, in your presence, and during that time you were morbidly obese, and you don’t see the problem here? For seven years this man was laying up in your snatch, taking your money, having you drive him around, never went out with you in public or on any dates, and he never introduced you to anyone as his girlfriend and your big ass was happily obliging.
Then, you insisted on using condoms because you knew he was seeing other women on the side, and in the course of seeing other women two of them had his child, and you’re still sitting over there waiting on him because??????????
Is your name Becky, by chance? Just curious. You better lay off his Dominican plantain and stop swallowing his Dominican juices. You’re just one maduro away from becoming loco.
And, Blondie, I wish I might go to my man’s kids birthday party, and they are not my kids, and his other baby’s momma’s are there, and they run out of something. Chile, guess what, I’ll be the first one to say, “Uhm, excuse me, but there is no more punch. Somebody needs to go to the store and buy some. And, who bought this cheap ass C-Town grocery store cake? So, everybody is just going to ignore the fact that the roaches running around in the kitchen on top of the food are not really roaches?” LMBAO!!!
The only reason he is keeping you around is because you’re his little gringo. You’re Ms. Money Bags, and he, his family, and baby’s mothers only see you as the gringo. (Look it up!
Ma’am, please stop making yourself so conveniently available – sexually, emotionally, mentally, and physically to this man. If you don’t think you’re worthy or valuable, then he won’t. It’s been seven freaking years and he hasn’t introduced to any of his family as his woman, nor taken you out on a date, and doesn’t want to be seen publicly with you. WAKE YOUR DUMBASS UP AND SEE THE TRUTH. HE IS NOT YOUR MAN AND NEVER WILL BE. And, this idea of marrying him and having kids with him, uhm, Ms. White Lady, I understand that you have sense of entitlement thing going on, but whatever fat you lost it’s obvious that you lost your brain and common sense as well. You truly are talking out your old fat ass! Just stop! Please, just stop! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!