Let me start by saying I need advice for sure.
Me and my man been dating 6 years now. I’m 24-years old and he’s 38-years old. We met when I was 16, but he waited for me to turn 18 before we went further in our relationship. I let it be known from the jump that my career came first and no sex before marriage. He was so understanding and with the program that I thought it was too good to be true.
Throughout the time I was in school he financially supported me and had my back. I can proudly say know that I have a BSN in Nursing, make 30,000+ and working on my master’s. His background is a little different for one he is what we call a ‘street pharmacist’, and was hustling since the age of 12. The whole thug persona, yep that’s him. However, he has well invested and gives back to the community of which he is part of destroying. Although most thugs treat and disrespect women badly I can honestly and truly say that I’m very lucky. He treats me like the Black Queen that I am. He loves me and everything that’s a part of my life. We haven’t had any drama or infidelity throughout our 6 years.
Okay, so here’s the problem. We have been having sex 6 months now and I love everything thing about it, but he is ready to settle down and have children (by the way he doesn’t have any) and it was my idea to not have sex until marriage but was the one who initiated the whole sexual state of our relationship. Now he is ready to get married. He proposed to me on Christmas Day in front of his and my family and I still haven’t given him an answer. I know for a fact that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. The thing is I’m just starting to go out and enjoy my life, and marriage and kids will definitely slow that down. My family loves and adores him and says that if I don’t get it together he’ll leave. I know he won’t because he’s so calm and persistent. And, yes I understand he is 14 years older. And, he keeps jokingly saying, “DON’T MAKE ME JAY Z NUMBER 2.”
Even though he jokes about it I know he serious about the kids. So, my question is should I marry him and pop out babies or should I keep taking trips and enjoy myself. – Lost And Confused
Dear Ms. Lost And Confused,
Girl, you have one life to live, and you better live it!!!!
You have a man who respected your wishes about sex before marriage, and he waited for five and half years before YOU initiated the sexual state of your relationship, and there was no infidelity throughout your relationship and he has no kids, well DAMN! I know he had to have had blue balls. Good lawd! Ole heavy ass nuts. LMBAO! But, on the real that is a good man. That man is worth holding on to. He got any brothers?
I do feel sorry for him that he proposed marriage to you on Christmas Day in front of his and your family and you didn’t give him an answer. Ms. Honey, you humiliated him in front of everyone. That is truly embarrassing. I know that hurts his heart. You are cold-blooded! Took that man’s Christmas gifts and when he popped the question you said, “Let me get back to you.” I can only imagine the look on his face. You are SSSSSSHHHHHHHAAAAAAADDDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!
But, I noticed something that is missing from your relationship and that is open and honest communication. It’s obvious that you two have not been having any communication about marriage, children, and being a family. It’s six years later and this man is bending on one knee asking you to marry him and you STILL haven’t given him an answer. It’s six years later and this man waited to have sex with you because you stated that you did not want to have sex before marriage, yet you initiated the sexual relationship six months ago. Therefore, don’t you think that is confusing to him, or leads him to believe that you are ready to settle down and be married? (You said no sex before marriage, right, but then you initiated it which led him to believe you were ready to go further) And now he wants to starts having kids, but you’re not ready to start popping out babies. And can you blame him? He’s 38-years old! He doesn’t want to be an old ass man trying to have kids. I’m certain he wants to be around to see his kids grow up, go to college, and get married themselves. I do hope that you’re having protected sex. Don’t be going raw dog if you’re not ready to be a mother.
But, this is what happens when you folks don’t talk with your mates. You don’t share your desires and wishes with your mates because you’re afraid to tell them the truth. Again, people, without communication in the relationship, the relationship is doomed. If you can’t talk to your mate about everything and be honest and truthful, then why be in a relationship?
Look, sweetheart, you have to be honest with him and tell him the truth. The same thing you said to me in your letter is what you should sit down and share with him to his face. Tell him that you want to live life, have fun, go out, travel, and do things that a 24-year old would like to do. You’re young and have your life ahead of you. He’s lived and explored during his twenties, so therefore, he should be understanding. Hopefully. But, keep in mind that he’s lived a fast life as a ‘street pharmacist,’ and during his twenties I’m certain he’s done some things and it included lots of women. So, now that he’s 38, and you’ve been together for 6 years, which means you were dating since he was 32, then I understand why he wants to settle down. He’s done everything he wanted to do, so now he must respect you and let you live your life and have your fun and do what you want to do.
But, you cannot string him along, and expect him to continue to wait on you. I love your confidence in saying that you know he won’t leave you. But, girl, you don’t know that. Just as you want to put the marriage proposal on hold and go out and do you, then don’t be alarmed if he says he’s going to do him until you’re ready. And, there’s nothing wrong with that. Because I know for sure that two people who love one another, and desire to be with one another that the heart will bring them back together. But, you’ve got to be honest with him.
He seems like a stand up dude. He also seems understanding and willing to wait for you. So, sit down, talk, and come up with a plan. Perhaps you go explore the world, travel, have fun, party, and after a few months or years you can address the marriage issue again. But, don’t leave him holding out and waiting on you without giving him some idea of how long you plan to do this. I know folks in relationships, and who are married now, that when they were dating they wanted to do exactly what you want to do. They were honest with their mates and said, “Baby, give me six months, or a year to go do me.” Their mates let them go and let them get whatever they felt they needed to get out of their system. And, when they were done doing them, their mates were there and now they are happily married. It can happen, but you’ve got to be honest and talk with your man. He’ll listen. Trust me. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!