I’ve been in a serious relationship for about 2 years. When I met my boyfriend it was a friends-with-benefits relationship.
While this went on we really got to know each other and I developed feelings as did he. When we talked about it we decided to formally start dating. I would later find out that throughout all that time, and 6 months into dating, that he was legally married to his baby’s mother. This is the same person that would call me private and harass me.
When I confronted him about it he didn’t even admit it. Finally, we talked and I forgave him. Now, here are 2 years later and he says he wants a divorce because he wants us to get married. When I heard this I was happy but terrified at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I do want to get married with kids one day but I have too many goals to accomplish before that. Also, there’s a problem that I have; I’ve never met or even seen any of his kids. He told me at the start of the relationship that he made a deal with his baby momma that they wouldn’t introduce the kids to new spouses. I agreed since I have no kids of my own and very little experience dealing with them. I felt it was for the best.
Now, since really thinking about marriage, I want to be involved with the kids but the times I’ve tried to bring it up he doesn’t want to hear it and ends the subject. Am I wrong for wanting to be involved although I initially agreed I wouldn’t be? If so, what can I do to make it work? – Ms. Trying To Make It Work
Dear Ms. Trying To Make It Work,
Here’s the thing: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN! HE IS MARRIED AND NOT TO YOU! You are involved with a married man. He doesn’t belong to you. He is someone else’s husband. I hate to say it, but your relationship is doomed, and has been since the very beginning.
You started out as sex partners, and unbeknownst to you he was married. He didn’t tell you, so therefore he was cheating on his wife. And, what do you call someone who is cheating on their spouse? Yes, unfaithful. And, if he is unfaithful to her, then guess what, boo boo? He will not be or ever be faithful to you. Besides, he’s a liar, manipulator, and deceiver. Why would you want to be with someone who lied to you, manipulated you, and deceived you? And, why would you want to be with someone who is cheating on his wife? If he is cheating on her, then what makes you think he won’t cheat on you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. But, I gather it won’t penetrate into your thick ass skull because you’re stuck on nut juice. Whatever kool-aid he is mixing it with you need to stop drinking it ASAP!
Then, when you learned he was married, you confronted him, and he didn’t admit it. HELLO! (Gently taps you on the shoulder and waits for you to turn around, then slaps the HELL out of you!) He’s a liar. He didn’t even tell you the truth. But, for some odd and bizarre reason you forgave him, and stayed with him. (@ @) Blank stare at you! Who the hell left the damn gate open? I swear this must be donkey week.
Six months into dating him you learned he was married with a family, you forgave him, and, yet, you continued seeing him for two years? What type of woman does that? What does that say about your character and who you are? He goes home to her every night, and you’re sharing this man and this doesn’t bother you? You are a TRICK, TRICK, TRICK! And, he needs to have his nuts snatched.
Now, he is talking and saying to you that he wants to get a divorce and marry you. Are you freaking kidding me right now! You’ve been with this low-down trifling liar for two years, and he’s still married, and you’re still dating him? HE IS LYING TO YOU. DON’T BELIEVE HIM. HE IS NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU, NOR IS HE IS GIONG TO DIVORCE HIS WIFE! And, you’re concerned with the fact that you’ve never met his kids in all this time and now you want to meet them since you’re talking about marriage? Girl, I can’t! I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t! You truly are special. You are just as trifling and low down as he is.
In the two years you’ve been with him you’ve never met his kids, but you’re talking about marriage. SMDH! In your own admission, you stated: “When I heard this I was happy but terrified at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I do want to get married with kids one day but I have too many goals to accomplish before that. Also, there’s a problem that I have; I’ve never met or even seen any of his kids. He told me at the start of the relationship that he made a deal with his baby momma that they wouldn’t introduce the kids to new spouses. I agreed since I have no kids of my own and very little experience dealing with them. I felt it was for the best.”
That statement alone tells the entire story of why you should not get married to this man, leave him alone, and move on with your life and get you some JESUS! I’m holding an altar call I want your nappy-headed ass at the front of the pulpit. I’m going to lay hands on folks, and especially on you. I’m going to call all the elders, sisters, mothers, and deacons to help me rebuke the retarded gene out of you!
I am going to need for you to think. And, as difficult as I know this will be for you because your cognitive skills are not that developed, I am going to at least need for you to try. If you are terrified because you don’t want to have kids now, and you want to accomplish YOUR goals before you do, then why are with this MARRIED MAN who already has a family? If you’ve never met or seen any of his kids in the two years you were dating, don’t you think it’s obvious that not only is he keeping you a secret from his children, but I can deduce that you haven’t met anyone close to him. This includes family, friends, co-workers, hell, I bet you don’t know where he lives. Again, why are you considering marrying him? Then, you go on to say that you have very little experience with kids. Soooooo, are you planning to get on-the-job-training? You know they don’t pay for that, right.
Girl, this man is not going to marry you. I don’t care what you may think or feel for him. But, he is not going to divorce his wife and then marry you, EVER! Please, and I’m begging you to release yourself from him and end the relationship. If you don’t want to get married and start a family, then he is not the man for you. If you think marrying a man who is cheating on his wife will be a blessed and anointed marriage, then you are clearly and sadly mistaken. If you want to accomplish your goals and do something with yourself before marriage and family, then why don’t you do that as a single woman who is working on herself and improving her life. You don’t need to be carrying extra baggage, stress, and drama. You have enough of that on your own. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!