Let me start by saying I love reading your advice!
I read your advice because it’s REAL, and what I need is a REAL second opinion because I have been holding this in too long!
About 2 years ago, I met a man who is everything I want in a boyfriend. We dated, fell in love and moved in together. He genuinely loves me, works hard, showers me with attention and is just over all great! We have a happy life together, as we both work and manage our money well. I see us together for a long time and him (a couple years down the road) being my husband and the father of my kids.
Now before you start looking at me cross-eyed wondering what the hell the problem is if my life is so perfect. Rewind about 4 years ago to my college days. I was involved with a guy and our friendship turned romantic and we began to develop feelings for one another. We messed around a little, but never did “IT” and we always had a great time together, but because we were young and had other things going on in our lives, the relationship never really took off.
I ended up moving from my home state to where I live now putting distance between me and my college fling. However, things never really fizzled out. We would still talk, text, and Skype and clearly missed each other. And the times I’ve visited home the connection still seemed to be there.
When I met my boyfriend, communication with my fling (I refuse to call him my ex because we were never official) slowly faded, and I stopped visiting him while I was home, but he was still in the back of my head. It’s almost 2 years later and sometimes I think of him. At times I wonder “what if?”
I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him and not have thoughts about another guy but for some reason I don’t know what to do. Is my head telling me it was more than a fling? Am I just getting scared about actually getting serious with someone? – Still Thinking Of My Fling
Dear Ms. Still Thinking Of My Fling,
Leave it alone! Leave it alone! Leave it alone!
Don’t you dare go down that road and start something you’ll probably regret for the rest of your life. I’m here to tell you that the end is not the Hollywood fairy tale you think and hope it will be.
This is what I don’t understand. If you have a good man, whom you love, and can see spending the rest of your life with and him being the father of your kids, then why in the hell would you step out to go see if some crush you had when you were in college could be more than what it simply is? GIRL, REALLY!?!
Why are you stuck in the past? Why are you holding on to what happened years ago? I swear you folks live your lives in the past and refuse to live in the present moment and create a new future. You keep repeating your past over and over and over again. And, you know what the definition of that is? It’s called crazy. You keep doing the same thing over and over again, yet, you’re expecting a different result. The past is the past. Leave it there. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Geesh!
If your little college crush went no further than some messing around, and some feelings you had for one another years ago, then don’t you think that if it was meant to be, then something further would have happened then? And, you had so many ample opportunities to link up with him after you left college despite you moving away. You did say that you kept in contact via text, calls, and text, and you frequently visited home and saw him. BUT, AS YOU’VE STATED, NOTHING HAPPENED! Duh!
Chile, you women complain about there are no good men out there, yet, when you get one you’re still harping on some dude who is not in your life, future, or thinking about you; and you’re wondering about some crush that never went anywhere, and then you step out to see if it’s worth it and BAM! You end up losing on both ends. You lose the good man that you had because your obsession with some dude who only wants to hit the drawers and bounce on your ass afterward. Then you want to run back to your man crying and trying to make it work. GET THE FREAK OUT OF HERE!
And, what happens if you become pregnant, catch a disease, or get caught up in some drama with the other man? Did you think of those scenarios? Hell, no! Because you’re caught up in this romance novel that you’ve developed in your brainless ass head.
One thing that I’m going to need for you to do is to stop lying to me, and yourself talking about you love your boyfriend. Girl, put that back! If you love your boyfriend you wouldn’t be thinking about another man. If you loved you boyfriend you wouldn’t be fantasizing about a could-have-been, would-have-been, should-have-been crush. You don’t love him, you just love the idea of what he and what your life could represent if you stick it out with him.
I’m done with you, but I want you to think about this. If that man was remotely interested in you and seeing if a relationship would transpire, don’t you think he would have pursued you every time you came home to visit? Don’t you think he would have visited you no matter where you were? Don’t you think he would have found a way to get to you? Because I know for sure that a man who wants a woman and he desires her, yearns for her, and needs her, then he will travel across the country, to bum-freaking Egypt, hell, he’ll even got to Jupiter for her. And, since your fling did none of that, then I can only deduce that man is not thinking about you. Even in your own words you said that once you got a boyfriend the communication slowly faded, and you stopped going home. If the communication faded then we can all assume that you were the one who was mainly doing the reaching out. You were the one who kept the lines of communication open. DO YOU NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU STOPPED CALLING, HE STOPPED CALLING? HELLO!!!!! Girl, you know what, go home and see what happens with him. Go home and sleep with him and try to make a relationship happen. When you fall flat on your big ass pie face, don’t send me another letter. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!