Dear Bossip: We’ve Been Together 9 Years & We’re Not Engaged & Don’t Have The Title of Boyfriend/Girlfriend

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I am a fellow reader, young 26-year old Puerto Rican girl.

I have been in a on again off again relationship with a 29-year old guy for almost 9 years now. We have 2 beautiful children, a 1 ½-year old boy and a soon to be 4 year old little girl.

Five years ago he cheated on me with a girl, and she got pregnant. Her son is 6 weeks older than our daughter! I moved out when I found out he had cheated, but for dumb reasons I continued to be intimate with him. We have lived together for 6 years out of the 9 years of being involved with each other. I truly do love this man but I feel like we are not going anywhere.

After he cheated on me I met a guy and we started dating, nothing sexual, just straight platonic. Back in august my baby daddy found out that me and that other guy were still communicating and sending each other pictures. My baby daddy blew a gasket and trips on me and questions me on everything I do. I never treated him this way when I found out he had cheated on me. I don’t understand why he can’t let it go. He should be lucky I didn’t have sex with the guy and gotten pregnant like he had did to me.

I have been thinking a lot about our so called relationship lately and I just don’t know what to do. He has never said I love you to me or even said that he cares about me, BUT he has shown it. I have told him that I just wanted some time alone to really think about what I want, because like I said it’s been almost 9 years and we’re not engaged, not titled as boyfriend and girlfriend, even though we live together and do everything as a couple, we don’t have that title. What should I do? My head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. – Confused Baby Mama

Dear Ms. Confused Baby Mama,

You see! This is exactly what you will get when you allow a man to dictate, rule, and control your life, thoughts, and being. SMDH!

Girl, I truly don’t believe that you all are 26 and 29-years old. Y’all are acting like some little ass kids in junior high school. Playing this tit for tat game of, “You cheat on me, so I’m going to go out and cheat on you.” Grow the hell up!!!

The first time he cheated on you and got another woman pregnant your ass should have been out of the door and never looked back. But, you didn’t. Like you said, your dumb ass took him back and continued to be intimate with him. I want you to understand this and understand it well. BLACK AND LATIN WOMEN HAVE THE INFECTIOUS RATES OF HIV/AIDS. If your man is running up in you raw, and then he’s out in the streets running up in other women raw, then you tell me what are the odds that he may bring home a deadly disease to you? What are the odds that instead of getting another woman pregnant, that he will infect not only himself, but you, and put your life in jeopardy? I’ll wait while you ponder on that. Silly ass rabbit!

I’m not going to waste my time with you because you know better. Your ass is smart enough to figure this out because you have a damn clue. Hell, you got several of them.

1.)    He got another woman pregnant at the same time you were pregnant. Thus, he has another child he has to help raise and provide for. And, that is the child you know about. Who’s to say that there aren’t others? So, why are you still there?

2.)    He’s never said he loved you or that he cares about you. I, and every reader on Bossip is giving your ass the side-eye blank stare. If a man doesn’t tell you that he loves you or cares about you, then guess what? He doesn’t love you or care about you. His actions may have you thinking he does, but he hasn’t verbalized his affection for you. That is a problem. If a man can’t express himself, his feelings, or his emotions, then there is something seriously wrong with him, and he may have some deep-rooted issues that you cannot fix, help, or change. He has to do the work. Again, why are you still there?

3.)    You’ve been with him for 9 years, and 6 of those years you have lived together. And, you’re allowing this to go on even after you have no assigned title as boyfriend and girlfriend? So, basically y’all are just roommates, huh? Girl, someone needs to slap the damn –ish out of you. How the hell can you live with someone for 6 years, act like a couple, let him run up in you raw dog, cook for him, feed him, clean up after him, and you’re not be engaged, or at least talking about it. Hell, but, before you can talk about getting engaged, you first have to be in a relationship. And, you my dear, are not in a relationship. Well, it is a relationship of convenience for him. He gets to lay up, screw you, act like he’s running –ish at the house, and in the streets he doesn’t have to ever claim you because you are not his woman, thus he can screw as many women as he pleases because YOUR DUMB DONKEY ASS IS LETTING HIM LIVE WITH YOU AND HE WON’T MAKE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND. Again, why are you still there?

Love is not stupid. It is not blind. It is not ignorant. And, it certainly is not gullible, naïve, and dumb. I am going to need for you to pull it together. Get a plan and work the plan. Start saving some money so that you can move you and your kids into another apartment, alone! You don’t need him. It’s time to get in action. If after 9 years and he won’t make you his girlfriend, then I’m here to tell you that he never will. It doesn’t take 9 years to figure out if you want to be with someone!

Once you have secured an apartment, then it’s time to head to family court. If he wants to run the streets and procreate with every woman he sees, then make him pay for them all! Stop letting him live with you for free. He’s probably making you think that at least he’s in the home with his kids. Girl, bye, and miss me. He is not doing you any favors by sticking around and claiming he’s a father in the home. That does not make a father.

After you get child support, you need to start moving on with your own life. Release him, let him go, and be thankful for the lessons he’s taught you. There are many lessons, and one of them is to never let anyone take you for granted. Don’t let anyone play on your emotions, feelings, and heart. No real man will ever make you feel less than a woman. He will not make you feel weak and depleted. If anything he will lift you up, inspire you, encourage you, and empower you. Ba-by, a real man will make you feel like a woman every day of your life. Now, look at you. Do you feel like a real woman? I rest my case. – Terrance Dean  

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!


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