I’m a 32-year old male who has an attractive very close female friend that I’ve known since I was 17-years old.
I have a welcoming personality, so I have plenty of friends, many are female. When I first met the woman who would become my wife, I carried it in a manner as if I wasn’t really tripping off of her (plus we lived 10 hours apart and saw each other like 2 1/2- 3 months), so I told her about my female friends, especially this one.
I mentioned things like although we never had any type of physical or emotional relationship, that logically my friend would be my perfect mate as we have much in common, but we always were in relationships at the same time and we just never saw each other in that way; I basically called it Erica Badu’s, “Next lifetime.” I told my wife this almost 7 years ago.
Now, in those 7 years, a few “miscommunications” have happened, examples are 1.) 5 years ago my friend got drunk one day and called my phone at 1 am so that I could talk to her until she made it home, during the conversation she told me she loved me and that I was the perfect man. 2.) A few years ago we told each other that if we both were single at 33, then we would get married and my fiancé saw a text with that info. 3.) 5 years ago, because I asked her to do so, she spent a lot of money on tickets for my birthday to a stage play that I had been wanting to see for a long time; my “girlfriend” flew in town unexpectedly to spend time with me and wanted me to miss the play. I went to the play and came right back home and spent the rest of the weekend with my girl.
My friend has been there for me through baby mamma drama, death of a child, and most other situations and has always been true; (heck, she was very instrumental in me sticking with the long distance relationship that lead to our marriage). Neither one of us has crossed any type of line. And, although she is very beautiful (the only person that looks better is my wife), it’s been so long that I just do not see her in a romantic way.
I’ve introduced them once and my wife is not really interested in doing it again. I cut back on the friendship out of respect for my then, girlfriend. And, when I lost my father, I forgot to tell my friend; when she found out she was very hurt because of how close we were. We became close all over again. I’m a loyal and trustworthy person and in 6 years of living in different states I have not once cheated on my “girlfriend;” Now she’s my wife. My friend is the closest thing to a sister that I have and I don’t want to give that up. I truly value and love my wife, so I don’t want to hide anything but if I’m going to get all types of attitude for attending an open house with my friend just to hang out then I might as well just not say anything at all. If something was going to happen between my friend and I, it would have happened by now.
I can’t force my wife to trust me, but what I can’t figure out is if you don’t trust me now, “Why did you marry me?” Females swear all the time that platonic relationships can exist while guys (myself included) said the exact opposite; now I know we men were wrong. I really wonder if she wasn’t so attractive would this even be an issue. What do I do? – Trying To Stay True
Dear Mr. Trying To Stay True,
Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Don’t you dare try to put this off on your wife, and female friend. Don’t you dare try to act so damn innocent like you’re Mr. Nice-Guy-Who-Has-A-History-Of-Being-A-Player-But-I’ve-Turned-Over-A-New-Leaf. Get the freak out of here!! You are the problem! You are the catalyst for all this drama going on, but, yet, you refuse to take responsibility for the part you have played in all this madness.
I swear you people refuse to take inventory, and do self-introspection, to figure out if there is a problem then how are you contributing to it, and what part are you playing in this. SMDH! Just silly ass clowns. I swear!
Your wife doesn’t have to, need to, and shouldn’t have to be friends with your female friend. Your wife married you because obviously she loves you and trusts you, but because you keep throwing your female friend up in her face, and parading around with her, and you know damn well that woman wants to sleep with you, and you know damn well that if given the opportunity, moment, and circumstance that you would. SO STOP PLAYING THIS GRADE SCHOOL GAME AND BE A DAMN MAN! Geesh!!! Grow some damn nuts so your wife can cut them off.
Your friendship with your female friend needs to subside to your wife. Your friendship with your female friend, the one who is in love with you, the one whom you find attractive, the one you told your wife that logically she is your perfect mate because you have soooooo much in common, well, no, you two can’t be friends. Stop kidding yourself, your wife, and your female friend. All three of you have this unsaid and uncomfortable tension brewing between you but refuse to address it. You’re the jackass in the room who is standing between your wife and your female friend, but trying to act like nothing is going on and everyone should just get along.
I’m certain as an intelligent and smart woman that your wife is, she knows the games your female friend is playing, and has peeped her card that she is in love with you, and “if” you two haven’t slept together, then she is biding her time until the two of you do.
You say that your female friend and you never discussed your attraction for one another, and never been intimate or had an emotional or physical relationship. Do you think I’m as stupid as you are? The hell you talking about. The both of you knew, and know, damn well that you’re attracted to one another, but for some reason you just didn’t or haven’t made the most of the moment. Well, she did when she called your ass at 1 am and confessed her undying love to you. I’m surprised you didn’t jump your ass out of the bed and rushed to meet her at her house.
But, let’s address those “miscommunications” (Really! Really? You’re just as silly and stupid, I swear). Let’s address some things you’ve done to contribute to all of this: 1.) Your dumbass left a text message on your phone from your female friend which stated, “if we both were single at 33, then we would get married.” And, your fiancé saw it, but you’re going to sit here and tell me that you don’t understand why she doesn’t trust you? Hmmmmm, okay.
2.) Then, 5 years ago you told your female friend to buy you expensive tickets to a stage play that you wanted to see for your birthday. Your “girlfriend” flew into town unexpectedly and asked you not to go to the play, but you went anyway. With your female friend. And, you think she has gotten over this? Hmmmmm, okay.
3.) But, hold on, numb nuts of the week, you go on to say, “When I first met the woman who would become my wife, I carried it in a manner as if I wasn’t really tripping off of her (plus we lived 10 hours apart and saw each other like 2 1/2- 3 months), so I told her about my female friends, especially this one. I mentioned things like although we never had any type of physical or emotional relationship, that logically my friend would be my perfect mate as we have much in common, but we always were in relationships at the same time and we just never saw each other in that way; I basically called it Erica Badu’s, “Next lifetime.” I told my wife this almost 7 years ago.” Now, I want you to use the comprehension skills that you should have learned in elementary school and you tell me what did your wife hear when you told her this. I’ll wait while you read, re-read, and re-read it over to yourself.
I swear y’all retarded asses don’t read or pay any attention to what you say, do, or think before you say, do, or think when you’re doing it.
What if your wife told you that logically her male friend would make the perfect mate for her because they have so much in common, and you saw a text from him to her stating that if by the time they were 33 years old and if they were still single, then they would get married? Would you trust her? Would you trust him?
And, did you seriously sit up here and type, “I have a welcoming personality, so I have plenty of friends, many are female.” Uhm, that’s code for “I’m charming and know how to get women in bed, and many of my female ‘friends’ are ex-bed partners.” Sooooo, again, the man who has a penis-shaped head, you’re going to ask why your wife doesn’t trust you, and tell me that it’s cool that you’re friends with your female friend who told you that she is in love with you, whom you find attractive, and you told your wife that logically your friend would be your perfect mate because you have soooooo much in common. Let me ask you this: Why did you get married? That’s the real question.
There are some things you need to work on, and number one is YOU! All of this would not be going on if you had really let go of the man you used to be, and the people who contribute to that life of who you used to be. A drug abuser can’t fully be healed or recover from their drug addiction until they get rid of all of the vices that put them in situations that will tempt them to use again, and it means getting rid of all the people, and things that are part of the problem or their addiction. So, in essence, your female friend has got to go! Plain and simple, and end of story. No more partying together, going out together, hanging out together, or talking on the phone and texting. Let her go and tell her that it’s over. It’s time to move on with your life, and begin a new life, chapter, and beginning with your wife. Make her your best friend, your soul mate, your confidante, and the one whom is logically the perfect mate for you because you have soooooo much in common. So, don’t try to stay true, just be true! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!