Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Make An Effort To Be With Me, But I’m Hopefully Optimistic He’ll Change

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I met this awesome guy a little over 2 years ago when we sat next to one another on a flight.

We had great conversation and shared many laughs by the time we reached our destination. Upon saying our goodbyes, we exchanged email addresses and said we would keep in touch. This would probably be a good time to mention that he was ending an on-again off-again 5-year relationship when we met, and he was actually returning from visiting her.

I didn’t contact him after our meeting because I lost his contact information. We finally ended up speaking after I Googled him and found his work email address. After conversing via email, we exchanged phone numbers and continued corresponding. Now, this is where my dilemma starts. When we started talking on the phone, I began to notice how unavailable he was. We rarely spoke and although I desired to speak to him more, I didn’t call him a lot. He said his work load as a teacher and coach was very demanding and the occasional spare time that he did have was devoted to his family (i.e. mother, father, etc.; he doesn’t have kids) and rest.

After a month and a half to two months in, I thought it was best that we end things because I didn’t like the feeling of being ignored. There was no communication between us for several months, then out of the blue one day I started getting sporadic texts from him just asking how I was doing. I resisted his efforts initially, but soon succumbed. He began calling and after explaining to him that I didn’t like nor appreciate being #265 on his “To Do List,” he said he had the time because his busy coaching season had ended. Although the contact between us still wasn’t ideal, it was far better than before. We eventually decided to meet up and our first date ended up being 2 ½ days long. The sex was AMAZING!! He was super attentive and very accommodating.

Since that time, things have slowly gone back to the way they were when we first met. His job consumes a great deal of his time, and the remaining time is spent with family. The distance between us is a huge obstacle. We live approximately 2 ½ hours apart. He has come to visit me a couple of times, but when we began traveling to each other’s respective cities, I drove to see him three times before he even came once. Each time he’s come, it’s only due to me kicking and screaming and threatening to leave the “relationship” altogether.

I’m so confused because I know he is an awesome guy and I’m hopefully optimistic that one day he will get it together, and realize we could cultivate a wonderful relationship if we both commit to making it work. I’m 31 and he’s 35, so I’m ready to start working towards a permanent relationship with whoever the guy may be. I’ve had several failed relationships and I’m honestly tired at this point. I do realize I am playing a waiting game, and the fate of us is resting solely in his hands. I don’t like giving someone that much power when they haven’t necessarily proven they are deserving of it. I feel we are at the same place we were 2 years ago with the exception of introducing sex in the picture. Should I stay and continue hoping that things will improve or should I leave and continue my search of finding the right guy? – Ms. Hopefully Optimistic

Dear Ms. Hopefully Optimistic,

I love how you all start your letters with, “I met this wonderful guy, and he is amazing. He is everything a girl could ask for. But, this is my dilemma…” LBMAO! I can’t with you all!

In a tribute to rapper Jadakis, I’m going to ask “Why?” (Clears my raspy weed filled throat) If he is so awesome and amazing then WHY are you not in a seriously committed relationship? If he is so awesome and amazing then WHY are you the one who is doing all the work in the ‘relationship?’ If he is so awesome and amazing then WHY are you only having sex with him? WHY hasn’t he introduced you to his parents or family? WHY did you make three trips to his city before he even made one trip to see you? WHY do you think he let several months go by without any communication after you ended it? WHY do you think he only wants to smash? WHY do you think his schedule has now become busy again? WHY! WHY! WHY!

And, you can sit your ass over there and be Hopefully Optimistic all you want, because that is all you’re going to get from him – OPTIMISM! And, you can hope all you want, too, little dreamer. Hope for a relationship. Hope he will open his eyes and see that you are a good woman and he will leave his job and life and move to where you are and make you his wife. Hope he will stop playing games and become a man and do right by you. Hope he will stop making you #265 on his “To Do List.” Maybe he will upgrade you to #264. LMBAO!  Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope, hope, hope, hope! Girl, just stop. Really! Just stop!

If he wasn’t that available before, trust and believe that he is not available now, and never will be. Think about this, please dear, and I really need for you to think for once in your damn life! If this man texts you out of the blue (not call, but text), and he’s inquiring what you’re up to and how you’re doing after several months of no communication, then do you honestly believe that he is interested in you, or was he sitting at home going through his phone and happened across your number and said to himself, “Self, why didn’t you smash that chick from the plane? She seemed cool. And, the great thing is that she is 2 ½ hours away, which makes her far enough away to get to for some ass, and far enough away that she won’t know what I’m doing here, and who I’ve been doing. Let me text her and see if I can get that.”

And, lo and behold, it didn’t take too much effort, did it? After you rolled your head, smacked your lips, gave him some attitude and a piece of your mind, he apologized and invited you over. He apologized and blamed his schedule and told you that he was a different man and he that he would make it up to you if only you would give him another chance. LMBAO! Y’all rabbits be falling for these silly ass games over and over again. Nothing changes with men. Especially a man who didn’t smash you when he had the chance. The objective and goal is and will always be is to get shorty, chick, woman, girl, lady or whatever he chooses to call you, into his bed and hit that a few times until you become addicted (meaning he can’t shake you and you’re calling and texting incessantly when he doesn’t respond), or you want to define the relationship, (which is only sex, but for some reason you all equate sex with love and that you are in a relationship) and as soon as you start talking defining what you’re doing, then he is out of the door.

The man is not interested in you. And, he is not interested in a relationship, well, not a relationship with you. Please stop drinking that, “Dumb Lady Juice,” they sell in Wal-Mart. It will f**k you up for life. It has already started to cloud your judgment.

I want you to notice that three times you drove 2 ½ hours to go see him in his city before he came to visit you. (@  @     ) Giving you the side-eye. He has slowly gone back to the way things were when you initially met. Uhm, sweetie, he didn’t slowly go back to his old ways, he only slightly adjusted his schedule because he wanted to get into your pants. Any man will adjust his schedule for some ass. Notice he didn’t adjust his life altogether for you. He simply made some time for you. Well, some time for some ass.

And, how many hours did he spend with you outside of the bedroom? How many hours did you all actually engage in some serious conversations? While you were in his city did he introduce you to his family, friends, or any important people in his life? Did he even take you out while you were in his city? I’m not talking about a movie or restaurant, I’m talking about his favorite spots, or places where he hangs out. Did he show you, or introduce you to any aspects of his life outside of the bedroom and his home? If didn’t do any of those things, then ma’am, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you don’t have a relationship with him. You are only someone he is smashing from time to time when his other chicks are not available. Remember, you met him while he was traveling from ending an on-again off-again relationship of 5 years. HELLO! THE MAN TRAVELS FOR HIS P***Y!

I swear that you folks don’t think, use common sense, or even consider going to prayer for guidance or revelation before you jump in the bed with someone and get to know them. How about you take some time and get to know you. Get to loving you, and adoring yourself. Respect yourself and hold a higher standard of what you are willing to do, put up with, and expect. This is what I don’t understand, why would you let the fate of anything happening rest solely in his hands? You have some say in this as well. You don’t have to give all your power over to him. Stop letting him dictate, or lead you some place you don’t want to go. If it’s not working for you, then leave. STOP LETTING THIS MAN DECIDE FOR YOU. HE IS NOT YOUR GOD! UGH!!!! And, you should have followed your first mind when you dumped him after you realized that he didn’t have time for you, and never made any attempts to come see. And, the biggest clue should have been when he texted you out of the blue several months after you broke it off. GIRL, HE DIDN’T EVEN CALL YOU! HE TEXTED YOU!  He didn’t have the decency, nor respect for you to even call you. If you don’t respect yourself, then why would expect him to respect you? – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

    

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