First I want to say that I L-O-V-E all of your advice.
And at this point, I could really use your brutal honesty.
My friend is being dumb (although I know she isn’t, she is acting like an idiot). She keeps asking me for advice about her current love dilemma, but I want to make sure I give her the right advice.
She and her husband are young, and her husband is a Marine currently deployed overseas. He visited his ex-boo before he deployed and wondered if there was anything still there, and decided to tell her. She decided right then and there to get a divorce, saying that she respected his honesty but didn’t know if she could trust him.
Now here is where I feel conflicted: She met another man, and he is a looser in every sense of the word. And I’m not even exaggerating. He told my hubby that he was (at one point) addicted to prescription medication, and my hubby swears that he’s homeless. I made my hubby dinner when my friend brought him to our house and my man swears that the man looked like he was ready to tear into his bowl of chili! Plus, I think it’s a little too weird that he is suddenly facing deportation back to Denmark if he doesn’t get his citizenship together before the end of the year. Hmmm…
Anyway, after talking with my hubby, I think that it would be a good idea for her to give some effort in trying to work out her marriage, as opposed to getting into a new relationship with someone she obviously does not know. Plus, she made the decision to divorce her hubby while he was deployed. I want to tell her to stay with her hubby, but then again, I want to just stay out of it. But it’s hard to do that when she keeps asking for my opinion.
So, before I slap some sense into her, can you give me some advice that I can give to her that would follow up my reality smack? Thank you in advance for your time. – Conflicted Friend
Dear Ms. Conflicted Friend,
Honey, mind your business. Mind your business. Mind your business.
I learned a long time ago to stay out of my friend’s relationships. Chile, they will come to you with all their problems, issues, and challenges concerning their relationship. How much they hate their mates, and they don’t know why they don’t treat them well. And, how come they bend over backwards to make it work, and yet their mates are running the streets, or treating them dirty. And, don’t let their mate curse them out and call them everything but a child of God. You are ready to fight their mate for them! They will have you so invested in “their” side of the story that you will be giving their mate the side-eye every time they come around.
And, guess what happens after you console your friend, keep giving them advice time and time again, letting them know that you have their back, and you tell them that they should leave their mate? Them two fools are back together, in love, and working out their issues. Oh, yeah, and your friend will tell you that you don’t know their mate like they do. You don’t understand them. SMDH! So, my advice to you is stay out of her relationships. She will work it out, and she will learn her lessons.
You’ve already given her some advice, and she hasn’t heeded. Therefore, she is not interested in your opinion or thoughts. If she wants to be a donkey, then let her be a donkey. Don’t you get in that pen with her. She’ll have you grazing and running around that field looking like a big ole’ jackass. Besides, she just wants someone to justify what she is doing. But, I’m sorry, and you should be too, but I don’t co-sign bull-ish. If you’re wrong and trifling, then I’m going to tell you that you’re wrong and trifling.
I give my friends one time to vent about their mate. I listen, take in what they are saying, and I encourage them to work it out. Although I love my friends, I also know that they are giving me their side of the story. I am not with them and their mate 24-hours a day, or hanging out with them all the time. So, I don’t know what my friend’s could be doing to instigate something, or over-blowing a situation. And, I know my friends, so, therefore I listen very cautiously, and tread with ease. Because I know that every relationship has rough patches, and it’s not always easy being in a relationship. It takes lots of work. Lots of listening, lots of communicating, lots of understanding, and lots of patience. And, when folks get upset in relationships they run to their friends for consoling and advice, all while they are sharing their mate’s negatives. They may throw in some positives, but that one negative can be SO OVER THE TOP! And, then you become wrapped up in it and their relationship.
Don’t do it! Don’t get involved! It will come back to bite you in the ass. Mind your business. Mind your business. Mind your business.
When my friends don’t work it out, and they want to keep running back to me asking for my advice, I stop them in mid-sentence and let them know: “I love you dearly, and I truly appreciate our friendship, and I hope you do as well. And, in order for us to remain friends I don’t want to hear about your relationship problems, challenges, and issues. I gave you some advice before and you didn’t listen or take into consideration what I had to say, so therefore, I am not going to waste my time or yours by repeating myself, or getting wrapped up in your drama. Y’all are some grown ass folks, and I am sure you can work out whatever it is. Now, unless your mate is going upside your head, or threatening you with violence, then I don’t want to hear it. But, I love you, though! Now, did you watch Basketball Wives last night?”
You see how easy that is? You see how you can control the situation, and not get caught up in someone else’s drama and mess? We all want to have pity parties, and want a house full of folks sipping on bottles of Pignot listening to Mary J. Blige and Keyshia Cole. But, after that first pity party, I am done! Chile, you’re not going to keep inviting me back and getting all sad and depressed, and falling out crying and –ish! No ma’am!
So, let your friend do her, and you continue to do you! I know it’s hard watching people you love do crazy, ass backwards, and stupid –ish, especially when they know better, but sometimes you just got to let them fall and bump their big ass heads. It’s their lesson. It’s their journey, and it’s up to them to learn from their mistakes. You can’t keep bailing them out, and trying to rescue them every time they come running to you whining, and complaining. Especially, when it comes to relationships because you’ll become so invested and wrapped up in their drama and bull-ish that you’ll take that mess home, or neglect your own relationship. Then, when they get back together with their mate, you’ll be going through things with your mate and your friend won’t be nowhere to be found. MIND YOUR BUSINESS. MIND YOUR BUSINESS. MIND YOUR BUSINESS. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!