I have struggled with writing this because I am a very private person.
But, you seem to be the only one on the net that keeps it real when it comes to advice, harsh at times, but all the way real. I don’t know what you may say to this email or what your response may be, but I am ready for some real not watered down advice.
So here goes: I met a man when I was in college, there was an event at my school held for the homeless and he was a volunteer. He was in the military. We hit it off well and began dating. He was truly one of the kindest men I have ever met. He was a single father of the cutest little girl. We dated for a year and I got to know him as well as his child, whom I grew to love. She let me practice on her hair and I fined tuned my mothering skills with her. It was a beautiful time in our lives.
We dated for a year and he asked me to marry him, and I did. I looked forward to being a stepmother and a wife. I didn’t marry him until I finished school, that was a goal I set for myself, and he was very understanding of that. We married and had a wonderful life; vacations, trips to see his family, and cookouts. Everything we did we did we did together. I worked all throughout the marriage. I took a break when we had our kids three years into the marriage. We had two little girls, two years apart, and I couldn’t have given my kids a better father.
I went back to work when he was about to retire from the military. Now, here is where things go bad. He had a very hard time finding a job, and he became withdrawn and depressed. He got a job offer in the state he was from. We lived in my hometown. He asked me if I would consider moving so he could work and be closer to his family. I agreed because he was happy and I wanted him to be happy. He was my husband and I trusted his decision-making. So, we sold our house that I truly loved, packed up the kids, and we hit the road. We quickly found a home. I started working, and he started working. He, myself, and our kids never wanted for anything.
His family members were very jealous of us. None of his sisters had a man, let alone a husband, so needless to say they gave me a very hard time. But, I did try to get along as best I could with his family. They were a group of mean-spirited people. So, I did keep my distance. They were not the type of women I wanted our kids to be around. Although I met them in the past, they never treated me that way. It changed once we moved there. So, my stepdaughter decided to follow in her dad’s footsteps, and she joined the military. She graduated and we brought her a cute modest car to get around in, and threw her a huge party. We were so proud.
The next day he was to drive her to see her mom’s side of the family. I got up, kissed her goodbye, kissed my husband, dropped the kids off at school, and I went to work. A few hours later my stepchild calls and said her dad told her that he was going to run an errand and he would be back shortly. I told her that I would call him. He didn’t answer his phone it went straight to voice mail. I began to worry, but I told her something must have come up. Then I get a call from the kid’s school saying that he didn’t pick them up. So, now I am in panic mode. He never deviated from our normal routine. He left my kids at school.
I get home, trying to keep myself calm, and I called the police, his job, and no one has seen him. So, I went looking for him, and couldn’t find him. A few hours later some woman calls my stepdaughter’s phone thinking it was mine, and told her to stop looking for her man and that my husband is her man now! My stepchild gave me the phone and the heffa repeated it! I told her to put my husband on the phone and she hung up. So, I called and called, and he answered. And, in the coldest voice I ever heard, he said stop calling I am not coming back! And, he hung up!
I was crushed and our children were devastated. We all cried. It was the worst moment in my kid’s young lives. How could this man do this to his family, and have no heart with no goodbye? Nothing! He was just gone. And, he didn’t care who he was hurting. I pulled myself together long enough to get my stepdaughter to her mom’s, and then I broke down in front of my kids at the airport.
I didn’t hear from him for two months. He gave me no money, and never called to so he could speak to his kids. I heard from him when he got the divorce papers and he was upset that I was asking for child support. I asked him why did he leave, and he said the lady he was with had a lot of money that her husband left her. She was an elderly woman. Yes, elderly! And, that he should be able to enjoy his retirement, but as long as he is with me he would always have to work. Now, at that point I let him have it ‘til he hung up! That low down dog! I divorced him and got a really good settlement. It was like taking candy from a baby. He did not know the law, but I did. I got half of his retirement plus child support, and I got to keep the house and my car. The list goes on. She then threw him out because his money was coming to me. He tried to come back, and I laughed in his face and called the police because he was acting a fool when I wouldn’t let him back in my home.
So, here is my question: Although I may have gotten the final Tee-Hee-Hee! I feel lost, and sad, and depressed. The life I built for my family, the man that I was in love with is gone. My kids don’t have a father anymore. His own child hates him. She messed around and got pregnant by a dead beat! I could go on, but this letter is long enough. I have watched this man destroy the light in our kid’s eyes that they once had. How can I move pass this? I don’t even have the strength to try and love again. He is trying to destroy me and my kids. I also want to mention that I am at the end of my rope and ready to pack my girls up and leave this place. But, I know it would be so hard to start over. I need to protect my kids from this man. I don’t know if you will post this, but I do hope you will share this with other men and women who have gone through something similar. Your advice is needed. – The Abandoned Wife
Dear Ms. Abandoned Wife,
Bravo! Clap! Clap!
Bravo! Clap! Clap!
Bravo! M’fing! Clap! M’fing! Clap!
Girl, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so proud of you. Everything’s adding up, you’ve been through hell and back…That’s why you’re bad as f**k and you know you are!
You did the damn thing! You didn’t play victim or let him ruin you and your children’s lives. You filed for divorce, got child support, and knew the law well enough to get half of his retirement, the house, and the car! You better work, damn it!!!
Thank you for sharing your story, and being so brave and open. And, I hope every woman will read this and take note of what you did and how you handled your business. You may have cried and went into a depression, but, Ms. Honey, you snatched that wig back into a fierce Beyonce pony tail, and went into action! Yes, your situation is jacked up! What he did to you and your girls, ba-by, he needs to be castrated and hung by his little ass d**k! I’m sorry, but a man who walks out on his wife and children, and doesn’t say anything, nothing at all, and had you worried about him, and he calls you so blasé talking about he’s with another woman, an elderly woman for her money!?! Uhm, yeah, I would have fixed his ashy narrow ass! But, I’m glad you handled it the way you did. I bet he didn’t see that coming. I bet he didn’t think you were that smart and intelligent to know how to hit him hard, and for a long ass time. Chile, every time he looks at his monthly retirement check and see the massive deductions for child support, he will always be reminded of how much of an asshole he is, and that you don’t f**k with a bad bish who got some sense and knowledge. HELLO!
Now, to move pass this, and reclaim your life, and help your children to move on, I agree that Ms. Honey, that you need to pack you and your children’s –ish and move. You can do it! Yeah, it may be difficult and hard to start over, but in all actuality you don’t know that. Honey, if take one step toward God and have faith, He will take three steps toward you. So, move in faith, and don’t let anything prevent you from moving on. It’s already worked out, anyway! Besides, there is no need to stay there, in his hometown, with his ungrateful and bitter ass family members who were unkind and unwelcoming to you. Let them all kiss the inside of your ass as you drive out of the city smiling and waving. And, I would send your ex-husband a Thank You card every year for being a blessing and walking out of your life, and for the nice retirement payment you get from him. (Naw, don’t you do that. But, I would!) :)
This is a new chapter in your life. A new beginning for you and your daughters. Start fresh and new and move on. You don’t deserve, nor any woman deserves, to be treated with such disregard and deception. And, I wouldn’t expect you to be so loving and welcoming to that trifling, lying, low down son-of-a-bish after a he deserted his family with no kind of reason or remorse. Chile, just like he left you and your daughters without a call, or note, or some form of goodbye, leave him and his family members with no call, note, or some form of goodbye. Close the damn door, lock it, throw away the key, and don’t look back. It’s a wrap! You’re better, smarter, wiser, and stronger. Don’t let what he did to you and your daughters make you feel inferior, defeated, or depleted. You have a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. Let God handle him, and let God guide your heart and spirit.
It appears that you have a strong sense of self, and conviction. Use it to move past this situation and be a pillar of strength, grace, and love for your daughters. And, don’t talk negatively about him to your daughters either. Show them that you are better, you are wiser, and you are stronger. Let them know that no matter what anyone does to them, no one can destroy them. Let them experience the love you have for yourself, and for them. Let them see the light of love in your eyes, and it will return to them. It will take some time to rebuild, and replenish yourself, but keep surrounding yourself with wonderful, empowered, and inspired people who lift you up, encourage you, and love you. Don’t let love out of your heart and life. And, don’t let it destroy your daughters. Nothing can stop you and your daughters from the love you all so deserve. You can move on from your husband, just as he moved on from you. Again, surround yourself with powerful, empowered, and loving people and that will help you grow and strengthen your spiritual muscle.
I also suggest some counseling and therapy so that you can release any hatred, negativity, and hostility toward your husband. Talking with someone about what you went through, and are going through will help you heal your soul and spirit. You did state that you feel lost, sad, and depressed. And, I totally understand your feelings. And, you have every right to feel those feelings because you did plan for a long life with this man. You didn’t think he would ever walk out on you and your daughters, and never say anything, and then to be so cold and callous about it. Honey, grieve the relationship, and get it out of your system. There will be bouts and waves when you will burst out crying, or not feel like doing anything. But, don’t let it prevent you from the love you deserve to have, and the love that you are of. Get it out of your system! Let it go. Don’t hold on to all that negative energy. It will drain you, and keep your in a dismal darkness of despair. That is not you.
Keep reminding yourself of how special, loved, and important you are. Remind yourself that what he did is not a reflection of anything you did, or anything you didn’t do. No ma’am! He lied, manipulated, and deceived you. He is the worse scum of the earth, and there is a special place for him in hell! Also, find a spiritual center, or place of worship to get back to the center of your being. You and your daughters need lots of positive affirmations. And, lastly, I believe in the power of words, and I want you to stop referring to yourself as “The Abandoned Wife.” Abandoned is defined as deserted and forsaken. Honey, you are not abandoned. You are fulfilled, whole, and complete. And, what God has created, no man can destroy. Your husband may have left you, but he didn’t break you! And, know that God will never forsake or desert you. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!