I am a 25-year old female who has been dating a 42-year old man.
We have been dating for about a year and a half. I am also a mother of two children. When me and this man first saw one another we knew we had to get to know one another. A little in to our relationship my youngest child developed some health issues that as a result, I lost hours at my job. And, in the end, I left my job, which my boy friend wanted me to leave any way. He wanted me to stay home and be a full-time mother.
All my extra money I had saved I put toward paying my bills some months in advance, because I didn’t know how long I would be out of work. Every thing was good for a couple of months. He would spend money on us when we went on trips, and paid for expensive meals for me and my kids. I am so thankful to have experienced things like that. But, after a while my bills were beginning to come in. My boyfriend, who now lives with me in my home, had his own house, but only went home 2 weekends out of the month. Push came to shove before I asked him to help pay a bill. And, when I asked him to help me he said that he had his own home and could not afford to pay bills for 2 homes. Then a week later he moved out.
I was unable to keep bills paid and had to move out of my home. We did not contact or speak to one another for 5 months. I assumed the relationship was over. And I was prepared to move on. Then, a month ago, he shows up out of the blue like every thing was ok. I admit I love him. But, I am not quite sure how to go about him and the situation. He now is doing better. He paid for me to get a new apartment. And, got my car fixed. I truly don’t know if I should trust what he is doing or just think maybe he now knows my worth. -Young and Dumb
Dear Ms. Young and Dumb,
LMBAO! I can’t! I can’t! I won’t!
So, because he paid for your deposit on your new apartment, and helped you get your car fixed, everything is copasetic now? Girl, really! Yes, you’re right, he does know your worth now – a deposit on an apartment and getting your car fixed.
Honey, he disappeared for 5 months (no contact or speaking with you, though you were in a relationship for a year and a half) after you asked him to help with a bill, and he told you that he could not afford to pay bills for two homes, yet, he basically lived with you and your kids in your home? (I’ll let you ponder that for a moment and let it marinate).
Diverting from you and talking with my Bossip readers – Here’s a lesson for you ladies: When you want to play house with a man and let him come live up in your house, and he’s eating your food, using your electricity, watching your cable and Pay-Per-View, and expecting to be treated like a king, or Mr. Mustafa-Swing-The-Ding-A-Ling, but he’s not contributing to the household in any fashion because you don’t want to ask for anything, and he doesn’t offer, then don’t get upset when you ask him to put something toward a bill and he shows you his ass to kiss, and then walks out on you because, “I can’t afford to pay bills for two homes.”
This is when you stop being Ms. Superwoman-Who-Don’t-Need-A-Man-But-I’m-Going-To-Let-His-Grown-Ass-Mooch-Off-Me, and let him know that when he returns you will be accepting admission into your home. Because when you go to the movies, you buy a ticket. When you go to the sports bar, you pay for drinks. When you go to the club, you pay for admission. When you go to a restaurant, you pay for your meals, and you leave a tip for the waitress. When you want to be treated like a king, or made to feel special, you got to a spa and pay for massages, pedicures, manicures, and if you’re lucky, you get a happy ending, but, you have to pay for it. So, your home is no longer a place to lounge, and kick your feet up, and get anymore free amenities. If you want special treatment, and you can’t contribute to a bill when I ask, then take your happy-go-lucky-narrow-ass to your own damn house and enjoy the free services in the comfort of your own home (wait, you pay for cable, electricity, groceries, and a mortgage).
Let me ask you this: When your boyfriend wanted you to quit your job and be a full-time mother, did he tell you that he would take care of you and your children? Did he lead you to believe that he was going to wife you, and move you and your kids into his home? Or, did you assume that when you quit your job that he was going to take care of you and your children? Did you draw your own conclusion that he would marry you, and move you and your children into his home? What type of conversations have the two of you had regarding the future of your relationship? Is it casual, monogamous, or are you working toward building a life together?
Let me answer all of those questions with this one answer: HE’S ONLY USING YOU FOR SEX, AND TO LAY UP IN YOUR HOUSE (FOR FREE), AND USE YOUR HOME AS HIS HOME-AWAY-FROM-HOME. If he spends the majority of his time at your home, then do you think his electricity bill is higher at his home or yours? When he eats at your home, does he have to buy groceries for his home, because he’s certainly not buying any for yours? When you do the laundry and wash his clothes and dirty ass underwear at your home, he is not utilizing his water, electricity, or appliances at his home, therefore, you’re his maid. I’m sorry, but maids get paid for their services, correct?
I’m going to reiterate this for you: The man left you and your kids when you asked him to contribute toward a bill, and because you couldn’t afford to keep up with the bills, and rent, you were forced to move out of your home with your kids. This same man didn’t communicate with you for five months, didn’t check in on you to see how you were doing, if the kids were okay, and if you needed anything, but yet, you let him come back into you and your kids life despite him showing you what type of boy he is?
Hmmmm…..Okay. And, you’re laying up with this man, again, letting him do whatever he wants to you, and with you? He’s back in your apartment, spending more time there than at his own home, and expecting you to cover the bills. You don’t see a repeating theme happening here? Can you tell me what do you expect will be different this time around? Because basically what he has told you is that he is not going to take care of you and your kids. He is not trying to be with you for the long haul. He is not interested in being a family with you and your kids. HE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING MORE WITH YOU OTHER THAN SEX, AND A FREE PLACE TO LAY UP AND MOOCH OFF YOUR ASS!
Look, sweetie, you don’t have to be Young and Dumb. You can be Young and Smart. Young and Intelligent. Young and Wise. Young and Don’t Put Up With Bull-ish From Grown Ass Men! Get this man out of your life, and go back to school. Get you some education so you can get a career and take care of you and your kids. This way you don’t have to have grown ass men mooching off you, and thinking they are doing you a favor because you’re a single mother with two kids. Girl, bye! If you invest in yourself, (books and education can carry you a long way), a man will find that more attractive, and more appealing and will want to be in your presence, and take care of you and your kids, and treat you like a real queen. Not some fake ass man who took you to Niagara Falls, or to Disney World and made you think that was a fancy vacation. Or, he took you and your kids to Applebee’s or Olive Garden, and spent a little over sixty dollars on your meals. LMBAO! Girl, that is not fine dining. Don’t you believe it, or let him fool you into thinking it is. You don’t need that man in your life. Remember, he left you for five months, high and dry, because he didn’t want to help with A BILL (a single bill payment), and he didn’t check in on you and your kids to see how you were doing, yet, he wanted to lay up in your house for free. That is an asshole. And, that lesson alone shows you that if you decide to stay with him, and y’all get married, he will have no problem getting up and leaving again if times get rough, and he can’t afford to take care of you and your kids. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!