I have been with the same man for the last 10 years. We lived together for 6 years and have been engaged for 2 ½ years.
I recently found out he has a one year old son, which I found out from a stranger. And, when I confronted him he said it was true. His whole family knew about the child and they have seen the child.
I am still in love with him, but we are not together now we have separated because of this. I feel betrayed, but I know the child is innocent in all of this. He claims he is not in love with the mother of the child and that it was just casual sex.
I never had a great relationship with his mother because she was always in our business and she was very overprotective of him. She encouraged me to move on and leave her son alone, but he is very frustrated and has lost his job. I am trying to be a friend to him because he is going through a very rough time. He insists we remain friends, but I still love him because I knew the feelings he had while we were together were true.
Should I abandon him when he needs me because of what he did to me and move on with my life? Or, should I just ignore him and let him feel the karma which came back to haunt him? I know it is impossible for us to be together in the future because my family hates him and I cursed his mother when I found out she knew about the child. Please help. – To Be His Friend Or Not
Dear Ms. To Be His Friend Or Not,
Chile, as much as you and his mother hate each other, and despite your tumultuous relationship with her, she is right about one thing: Be encouraged, and leave her son alone!
Honey, he’s trifling, no-good, a liar, manipulative, and deceitful. You mean to tell me that if a stranger, someone you didn’t know, hadn’t told you about his ONE YEAR OLD SON, then you wouldn’t have never, ever known about this child. Because he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell you. This man, your ex-fiance, the man you’d been with for 10 years, and lived together for 6 years, and was engaged to for 2 ½ years, laid up with another woman, had unprotected sex, lawd knows how many times, but he claims it was casual sex, and then came and laid with you and had unprotected sex. (Really, really, really think about that for a moment. Let it marinate and sink in.)
Then, she got pregnant, carried the baby for 9 months, and I’m certain that during the time she was carrying his baby that he introduced her to the family, and they all felt compelled to keep it a secret from you. (Okay, taps finger to my chin). But, hold up, for a whole entire year everyone in his family, including your fiancé, the man you were going to get married to, continued to lie to you, play you like a trick bag, and laugh behind your back every time you came over, never once thought that you had the right to know about his secret love child?
Girl, they played you! They had a plan and it included no one saying or mentioning anything to you. They conspired together and plotted on when to bring the child over to the house when you were not there. And, if you happened to be there when the child showed up, it was someone’s else’s child – probably Shaniqua’s baby. Or, Tyquan’s baby from his other baby momma. And, for a whole year it was working until some stranger, who wasn’t in on the plan, slipped up and spilled the beans. SMDH! And, you want to know if you should be his friend because of what now? (Yeah, be his friend. Y’all be the best of buds and hang out and laugh). I wish you would! I’d snatch you by the pony tail and drag your ass up the street!
If he couldn’t be honest with you as a fiancé, potential husband, and your partner, whom you’ve known for 10 years, then how the hell is going to be a friend to you? He couldn’t uphold his end of the bargain when you were intimately involved with another. The man put your life at risk as he laid up with another woman, and lawd knows if there are other women he was “casually” having sex with without any protection. So, every time he stepped into your home, the one you were building as your home to be filled with love, and your own potential children, and to be your own family. The home you where thought you had some sanctuary from the outside world, and could trust one another and encourage one another, was really all a damn lie. A big fat lie. And, he sat up in your face, ate your cooking, y’all watched television together, you cleaned up behind him, and he laid with you as if nothing was going on and he didn’t have a whole other life happening right under your nose.
No! No! No! You can’t be friends. Get the “F” out of here! Girl, there is no need for him to contact you. For what? He’s sorry now. Sorry because his secret was revealed and he was caught? Sorry that his trifling no-good ass was busted, and now he knows that he had a good woman and has thrown it all away? He wants you to remain in his life as his friend because of what again? Oh, I get it. He wants to ease his way back into your life with the hopes you’ll start sleeping together again, and that will lead you to slowly welcoming him back, and y’all start over, fresh, new, and let the past be the past? Chile, tell him to kiss your ass from the inside out!
You don’t need him in your life. He’s shown you who he is. You deserve so much better, and so much more. You know that you are a good person, and he knows it too, that is why he wants to remain “friends” with you. He got himself into the mess that he is in, hell, tell him he can figure it out with his family since they love to plot and plan together. Honey, go and get your life! Live and have fun. You can’t erase those 10 years you had with him, but you can sure as hell start a brand new life of new, fun, and exciting memories of how you got over and started living your life for you! There is a beach calling you in the Caribbean. Honey, go and get your groove back with some sexy island tender. Let your hair down and wash that man out of it. Hell, get a new look. It’s time to shed some pounds, all one hundred something pounds of him. LMBAO! Do you and let him rot in his own misery. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!