I’ve been with my wife for 13 years (off & on), married for 3 years, and now we’re all the way off.
I’ve given this girl any and everything a wife could ask for from our two beautiful kids to traveling to just throwing her paper for no freaking reason. I’ve bought her new homes, and it’s just never enough. This broad complains about everything and I’m tired of hearing it. We are the complete opposite of each other, which is cool sometimes.
But, let me get to why I’m writing you homie. My wife has stepped out on me with other men ever since we have been married, and I don’t trust her anymore. My feelings towards her are wicked. The thing is she’s the type that if she thinks you are cheating on her then she will go out and give up some p***y out of spite, even though she has no proof of anything.
Recently, I was going out with my homies and she thought I was going to see some honey, so she started a fight with me physically and called the cops on me. She said I beat her when the cops arrived. I told them what happened and then she told her side. They basically ended up taken her ass to jail and not me because she said that she started it. I could’ve lost my job over this -ish. But, my thing is, I put her out of my house and we are getting a divorce.
But, I need your advice big homie. I can’t seem to get her being with another man out of my head. I’ve done all I can. I even went with her to marriage counseling to try and save our marriage, which didn’t help one bit (sad but true). So, there’s no chance in hell we will ever get back together. She wants to, but I’m too far gone from her. I still love her, but I’m just not in love with her. But, for some reason I can’t stop thinking about some other dude smashing. Help yo’ boy out, man. – Fed The F Up
Dear Fed The F Up,
Let it go. Let her go. And, stop harping on some dude smashing your wife. The only person keeping this alive is YOU! The only person thinking about it is YOU! Your wife truly doesn’t give a “F.” And, the man who smashed doesn’t give a “F.” They have moved on with their lives. You’re sitting there in the dark room in your dirty ass boxers rehashing the thought of this dude smashing your wife, thus, you are re-creating it over, and over, and over again. LET IT GO! UGH!
I swear you folks won’t get out of your heads and start living. Where is this thought existing? In your big ass dome! Where do you keep this thought alive? In your big ass dome! How long ago did it happen? Yet, you’re still holding on to it and thinking about it. Get out of your head!!
And, your wife’s a MF’ing trip! I feel for you, but if your wife has been stepping out on you ever since you’ve been married, I don’t think it began within those past three years, it began 13 years ago when you first started dating. You can play dumb and act stupid all you want, but I know better.
People’s behaviors are not instantaneous and out of the blue. Who they are is who they have always been. You just overlooked, ignored, and hoped things would change once you made her your wifey. And, I’m sorry to say, but she, and her behavior, did not change, won’t change, and isn’t interested in changing. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. And, you certainly can’t turn a John into a husband!
Your wife, and her behavior, is who she is because something happened to her prior to you, something that she hasn’t worked on, or hasn’t shared with you, and unfortunately she is taking it all out on you. You are the casualty of her anger, hurt, and pain. And, you can be all the man, love, joy, hope, and money bags you think she needs, but it cannot, and will not, replace whatever happened to her prior to you. So, the counseling is in vain because the root of the problem is with her. For her to casually go out and sleep with random men because she thinks you are out doing something with some honey is a deep-rooted trust issue that she has. And, she doesn’t value her worth nor herself if she allows any man to lay up in her, and she freaks him with no remorse or consideration toward you, and her own family. That is a trifling ass hoe! Sorry, but I call them as I see them.
Now, you’re sitting your ass up here worrying and thinking about some other dude smashing your wife, but, this is the same woman that you say is ungrateful for anything you do for her, she’s called the cops on you with the hopes of having you arrested for assault, she’s slept with other men because she’s assumed that you were out having an affair, ANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD, you’ve gone to counseling but it didn’t help. I’m sorry, but how much of her p***y kool-aid have you been drinking? And, why are you really thinking about your wife sleeping with another man?
Is it because you are the nurturer in your relationship, and your wife is the needy one in the relationship, and thus, it is hard for you to understand how you could have done so much for her, and she doesn’t recognize your efforts, and love? You see, as a nurturer you have to find someone who needs help. You have to be with someone who is hurt, angry, and feels unloved because it gives you a sense of power, and worthiness that someone needs you. A nurturer will go out of their way to do everything for someone who is needy. And, a needy person, despite their need for love, attention, and affection, and although they get it, will always make a nurturer feel guilty. If you don’t give a needy person what they need, then they think, and feel, that you are cheating, lying, manipulating, and deceiving them, which is their M.O. (Method of Operating), and so the very thing they are good at (cheating, lying, manipulating, and deceiving) they make you feel guilty about.
In essence, she doesn’t feel guilty about her behaviors, or how she’s treated you because, well, through her eyes of hurt, and anger, she’s the victim. And, you can’t seem to let go of what she’s done because you feel you’ve gone above and beyond for her, and how can she do you so wrong, and be so evil and trifling. But, pay attention here because I’m not going to repeat myself, as a nurturer you’ve helped to create her into being the person she is. Instead of getting to the root of her problem or issue, you’ve compensated her with material things, and affection, but that doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t resolve the problem or issue. It just exacerbates what’s been wrong with your marriage from the beginning – HER! BOOM! BAM! POW!
Honey, if you were with your wife for 13 years (off & on), but you were only married for 3 of those years, which means you waited 10 years to marry her. You knew what you were getting from the beginning, and now you want to fall out, whine, and get upset because she was doing what she was doing all along, but you chose to ignore the tell-tale warning signs? Get the freak out here, homie! Miss me and those sob crocodile tears.
Chile, if you want to get over this, and move on with your life, then stop thinking about it and let it go. She did it. She gave up the punany and there is nothing you can do about it. All this questioning, pondering, and wondering is doing nothing but driving you crazy. You’ve already put her out of the house, and filed for divorce. Now, it’s time for you to focus on you, get to the root of your nurturing behavior, and why you feel the need to allow someone to abuse you mentally and emotionally for 13 years. You have 13 years of undoing and it requires extensive therapy. Talk with someone. Get some help! Find a spiritual institution with a strong spiritual leadership, and perhaps a men’s group where you can talk and grow with other men who are seeking inspiration, and empowerment. And, I don’t recommend jumping into another relationship so quickly. You need time to heal, and cleanse your spirit. You don’t want to cleave to another unhealthy spirit and go back down this same path. LEARN! LIVE! And, GROW! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!