Dear Bossip: I Take Care Of 90% Of The Bills, Yet, He Wants Us To Be A Family

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I’m in my 20’s and have a 1-year old child, and I just recently kicked the father of my child out the apartment.

Now, he wants to make things work. I wouldn’t mind taking him back, but every time we get into a fight or when -ish hits the fan he decides he wants to make things work and he loves me and wants to get married and that we should have more kids. Everything some women would love to hear. I wouldn’t have a problem making it work, but he has a history of cheating, and every time we get into a fight he has something nasty to say about my family, myself, and our child.

I’m not the type to forgive and forget things easily, and once we are done fighting all he says is, “I was mad. I didn’t mean what I said.” It’s one thing to bring up my family and to say things about me, but it’s another thing to bad mouth your own child. It gets better -Over the past year I have been the one paying for 90% of everything from clothes, diapers, daycare, formula, jar food, shoes, etc. You get the hint. I have also taken care of all of the household items like making sure we have food, and that the bills are paid on time.

A part of me wants to make things work because he is the father of my child. We’ve been together for 4 years, and from growing up in a single mother household I would love to have a somewhat normal family for my child. At the same time I feel like I can do so much better for myself and my child and if he’s not ready to grow up then so be it. I feel like I’m a great catch. I graduated from college with my BA. I have a job, a car, and my own place. I cook, clean, the whole nine. I don’t understand if you have something good why mess it up? – I Don’t Understand

Dear Ms. I Don’t Understand,

You say that you want to have a somewhat normal family for your child. Uhm, ma’am, could you please explain to me how your relationship is normal? Where I come from the type of relationship you have and what you are going through is not normal. That is asinine, stupid, and childish.

But, let’s be clear about something. You are not taking care of one child, you are taking care of two children – your 1-year old and your grown ass boyfriend who is acting like a damn child. If you pay 90% of everything, and you take care of the household items to make sure you have food on the table, and that the bills are paid on time, then please explain to me how you are in a committed relationship with a man? From what I know about relationships, a man who has a child with a woman is the one who should be taking care of his woman and child to make sure they have food on the table and that the bills are paid. A man should be contributing more toward the clothing, diapers, formula, food, and shoes for his child. But, if you are doing it, then, again, please explain to me how your man/boy is contributing and being a man in the relationship? And, how can you dare sit up here and say that you are considering being a family with someone who can’t even take care of you. Hell, he can’t even take care of his damn self.

The only reason he is with you is because you, like so many other women in your shoes, have enabled these boys and don’t hold them accountable for –ish! You won’t make them be responsible for their obligations as a father. You coddle them, hold their hands, baby them, and let them get away with this damn foolish ass behavior! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE A HOME FOR SOME GROWN ASS MAN WHO CAN’T EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOUSEHOLD, LET ALONE FOR HIS OWN CHILD???? If he can lay with you to make a damn baby, then he sure as hell can get take his narrow ass and go get a damn job to take care of the baby!

Stop enabling him. Stop being a crutch for him. Stop carrying him. Stop letting him suck off your tit. Stop feeding him. Stop cleaning after him. Stop letting him drive your car. Stop letting him lay up in your house while you work. Stop buying things for him. Stop letting him take advantage of you, POINT BLANK SIMPLE!

And, if he can’t contribute to your life, the household, or his own child’s life right now, then please know that marrying him IS NOT GOING TO MAKE HIM DO IT, NOR WILL HE CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR. He is who he is!!!

Do you people even hear yourselves, or read your own damn letters before you press the send button? If you are in a relationship with someone and you are the one with the job, car, and home, and you’re the one paying 90% percent of the bills in the home, then how is your relationship balanced or equal? (This is where you pull out your bull-ish calculators. I’m going to start selling them this week. A lot of you need them).

Now, let’s do some math right quick:

1.)    You pay 90% and he contributes 10%. So, is that equivalent? According to my bull-ish calculator 90% is greater than 10%. Who is benefiting from this?

2.)    You make sure food is on the table and that the bills are paid on time in your home. He just lives there. Hmmmm, add “simple” to “dumbass” and what do you get?

3.)    He lives in your home, eats your food, you clean behind, allow him to come and go as he pleases, he’s cheated on you multiple times, and he gets out of pocket and verbally attacks you, your family, and his own child. Now, multiply “desperate low self-esteem” by “brainless donkey.”

Do I think you should be in a relationship with him? HELL TO THE MF’ing NAW! He doesn’t have anything to offer. He’s cheated on you. Bad mouths you, your family, and his own child. He’s abusive. He’s a little ass boy. And, he doesn’t have anything to bring to the table financially, mentally, or emotionally. Yes, you can keep screwing his little ass d**k, but eventually that will get old. So, what do you have left? What does he have to offer you? NOTHING! NADA! NOT A GOT DAMN THING! Honey, you can do bad all by your damn self!

I tell you what – make a list of the pros and cons of staying with him. Make a list of all the things he’s done and can do for you right now in this very moment. If your pros list outweighs your cons list, then you have your answer. If your cons list outweighs your pros list, then you have your answer.

If a man verbally abuses you, and then he turns around and says, “I didn’t mean it. I was mad,” uhm, sweetheart, he meant it. He meant every word he said. Actually, anger doesn’t make you say things you don’t mean to say. Anger makes you say things that you have penned up, and in your fit of rage you feel you can say whatever you want. So, just take note, and know HE MEANT EVERYTHING HE SAID about you, your family, and his own child. He has a problem, and you are not the anecdote, fixer, clinician, or therapist. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!!!!

So, move on with your life. He is only hindering you from progressing, and you are hindering him by not allowing him to grow into a man. He’s not responsible, mature, or accountable for his actions, or life. If he doesn’t care about his own life, and wants someone else to take care of him, then you tell me how can he possibly care about you and take care of you and your child? Yeah, ponder that Ms. I-Got-My-Education. – Terrance Dean  

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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