I truly and extremely enjoy your advice. You’re honest, sometimes brutally honest, but I love and respect that.
I’ve been married to my husband for two years. He’s got 3 older kids with his ex. We have one toddler and another on the way. This is the first marriage for both of us. I always dreamed my first marriage would be my only marriage because of my Christian beliefs, but now not so much.
To make a long story short, after we found out I was pregnant, he was happy, but then arguments came. In my 1st trimester he told me to get an abortion during every argument, which was about 7 times. I said very, very ugly things as well (i.e. deadbeat, bum, bish, etc). Then I broke my own cardinal rule after he started putting his phone on vibrate at night and I went through it. I found what I knew would be there, and so I stopped having sex with him and moved out.
My final straw is the ex recently got out of jail and we’ve had altercations, and in one argument he stated he’s going back to his real family (they were never married or engaged). She also texts/calls him begging for sex, and for them to get back together. He says he ignores her. I don’t believe him and I don’t feel ignoring certain actions are good enough.
I’ve filed for divorce. In the midst of all of this are the apologies from him and the promises to do better, and that he will not maliciously hurt me again. But, as you can see he kept doing it. He says he loves me (eye roll), but I don’t see it. Everyone that I’ve tried to talk to about this says I’m the bad guy and I shouldn’t give up and abandon him. Marriage isn’t good overnight, etc, etc.
I do not agree with any of these people and I just want an unbiased opinion and to make sure I’m not crazy. Oh yeah, he also has never helped me with any bills that are mine, and before I stopped letting him use my car he would run out all my gas and only put back $20 worth. I’m no saint, but I have done right by him and I respect my marriage vows. I don’t talk to other men or my exes who still try to keep in contact. My past doesn’t affect him, so why do I have to deal with his? His ex has done/is doing ratchet stuff and it’s too much to name. He says get over it and let’s start over. I forgive him, but I don’t feel like I’m supposed to pretend to forget words that can never be taken back. Please help. – Husband’s A Jerk, Now What
Dear Ms. Husband’s A Jerk, Now What,
So, you married a man who has 3 other kids from another woman, and, for obvious reasons, they have to remain in communication/contact with one another (I digress), but, she’s asking for more, ANNNNNNNNDDDDDD, you went through his phone and discovered lawd knows what (you didn’t say what you discovered), he’s said to you on numerous occasions that you should abort his child that you are currently carrying, ANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD in an argument he’s said to you that he’s going back to his real family. Hmmmmm, why didn’t you pack his bags and help him move? If he’s so miserable and unhappy with you, and thinks he’s better off with his ex, then let him go. If he wants you to abort your child, and I’m certain it’s because the other 3 he has with his baby momma are kicking his butt in child support, then let him know (this is where you hold up your hand) that he now has 5 kids he’s responsible for. So, take his narrow ass and get a second job, and step up to the plate and take care of his responsibilities.
But, let’s reflect on your letter. The issues with your marriage are several things which include miscommunication, disloyalty, mistrust, money, and unresolved issues with his baby momma. And, those key elements make a marriage, and unfortunately I wouldn’t say that you have a marriage. You’re just two people living together, and going through the motions of relationship drama like every other couple. You’re acting like little ass kids with one another and both of you are stomping your feet and pouting trying to get your points across. Instead of communicating with one another, like grown adults do, he’s trying to belittle and demean you with his tactic of spewing hateful things, and you up the ante with your name-calling trying to belittle and demean him. Each of you is trying to outdo the other. And, at the end of the day, what is this proving? What have you two accomplished? Yeah, just as I figured, not a damn thing!
This is what I want you to do: Sit down with him and ask him what is a marriage? Ask him to describe it, and what it looks like. And, I want you to do the same thing. Let him know what your idea or thoughts are about marriage, what it looks like, and your expectations. And, it’s imperative that you listen to one another because arguing and trying to prove a point doesn’t work between you two. So, listen and if his definitions, expectations, and outlook on marriage are not your definition, expectations, and outlook, then you will have your answer.
But, I want to know why didn’t you two go through marriage counseling before getting married? This would have resolved all of those issues before you walked down the aisle, and I’m quite certain that you wouldn’t have made it down the aisle if your husband hadn’t resolved the issues with his baby momma, his exes that he remains in contact with, and his need to demean and belittle you. So, why are you putting up with it now? Why would allow yourself to be made to feel less than, and from the man who is supposed to make you his queen, his woman that he protects, uplifts, and celebrates? I don’t believe in being with someone who is going to talk negatively about me or to me. That is a no-no! If you feel the need to call me out of my name, talk to me like I’m some damn child, and demean or belittle me, then you can sit there and talk to your own damn fool self. I’m out! DUECES!
So, get into some couples therapy and speak with a marriage counselor. The root cause of your marriage is some unresolved issues that neither of you are putting on the table, and one of them happens to be his baby momma. If you don’t want her in your marriage, or your husband communicating with her other than to talk about his kids, then you’ve got to let him handle that with her. You knew what you were getting before you got married. So, that issue should have been resolved from the beginning. Now, he’s got to take care of business and put things in check. You and her are not going to be on the same page, and she definitely is not going to respect you and your marriage. She made that obviously known. So, your husband has got to get his damn balls out of his stomach, and be a man and let her know what’s what! And, hopefully you two can work out the other issues of communication, loyalty, money, and trust through marriage counseling. Don’t be afraid to open up and speak your mind. But, do it lovingly, and with an open heart. Don’t give up so easily on the marriage, not until you’ve exhausted all the resources. Besides, you did state that your first marriage would be your only marriage. Then work it out! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!