Well, Terrance, here is the story let’s just dive in. My story is that of wanton stupidity. Let’s start from the beginning.
After being incarcerated for 10 years, from age 19 to 30 years old, I moved to a city I have never been to, mainly to get a new start. I just wanted something better than the outs that my life had been affording.
I met a woman and the fear of being alone again made me move faster than I truly would have done before in my life. We were married on some, “Surprise,” we have the paper, and I know a preacher type deal. Let me back up and say that I loved this woman, but now know we were better friends than anything else. I was working and making a good living, but my home life was not what I wanted. I was able to do what I wanted – pay no bills and basically jack off my earnings while she paid the bills. A dream life for most of the men I know, however, more of a nightmare for me.
The reality of my situation is that prison had given me a sense of accountability and the need to take care of self. I met this woman at work, and she just had a child, and we were instant friends. After 7 months of getting to know this woman and her son, I was totally in love and it seemed complete. As it gave me a sense of taking care of me, and that someone needed me was great and a blessing. The child’s father just wasn’t there in any sense of the word, more so in the way of true progress. Life was good and we started experiencing things that I thought were way out of my realm of possibilities.
Now the true story begins when this woman became my wife and from the beginning the problems arose with her sisters, who both had men out of jail, and their situations were night and day. So, imagine the bull-ish going on in our lives. Well, to be short, the sister let me know that not only could I have sex with her, but she had a girlfriend and that she and her would put on a show for me. Well, after the show I did the unthinkable and slept with the sister. The worse mistake of my life. After much agonizing we decided to bury this information and not speak of it again. Well, 10 years later when her marriage of less than a year is in shambles, due to her husband’s crack problem, and the fact that she was responsible for the kids, and she has 6 of which are by four different men, she decided that she would let him know. I didn’t mention that her husband was my best friend.
Well, because of his addiction and his need to ok with his absences to deal with his problem, he decided that not only does she need to tell what happened 10 years ago, but the whole family needs to be made aware of this. So, they spoke with the Pastor and the Pastor had a meeting with my wife’s whole family, which excluded me and my wife. So, now her whole family knows of this and no one says anything for a couple months. Now, after that you can image the state of my marriage.
Well, we have been hanging on by a thread. For the past 3 years our marriage has taken a backseat to anger, humility, non-trust issues, and just all out a 180 degree turnaround. I have taken all that I can, but due to this being my fault I have absorbed all the punishment I can take. I advised my wife that we needed counseling, so we went as it was my idea. But, that didn’t really help her hurt because it is too embedded. Although, things are getting better, but for obvious reasons is not the same. My question is can we make past the past, or have I been a part of something that will never go away? I love my wife and she is my best friend, but her pain has wiped away our lives and our happiness. I just don’t want to waste anymore of this brief life we have if this can’t be fixed. There are so many twist and turns with the story that it could be a book. In my defense, although no excuse for my behavior, I am a great provider, and a wonderful father. I have adopted our son, and I’m the only father he knows. We have another child, of which I have never missed a doctor’s appointment, school visits, afterschool activities, parent teacher conference, and any and everything they do that I can be a part of. I am stuck and really am at a loss. So, everyone beware whatever is done in the dark will come to light. – Trying To Live In The Light
Dear Mr. Trying To Live In The Light,
So, let me get this straight, just because your ass fell for the ole okey doke with your wife’s sister, and your dumbass went and had sex with her, you want some repentance, and for your wife to get over it and move on so that YOU can be happy? You want things to go back to the way they were, and you’re accusing your wife’s pain of wiping away your lives and happiness? Really! Really? You slept with her sister!!! You brought your Just-Released-From-Prison-Horny-Looking-For-A-Threesome-Ass to a new city and took advantage of your wife. You destroyed your marriage. You destroyed her life, and you are responsible for the unhappiness, anger, and betrayal she feels. So, yes, you do deserve the rightful punishment that you are getting. And, I clearly do not believe that it’s enough.
Sending you back to prison wouldn’t resolve anything, because you obviously didn’t learn anything while you were there, and you stated that it gave you a sense of accountability. So, in the words of Celie from “The Color Purple,” the very jail you made for your wife is the very one you’re going to rot in! Freaking douche bag bastard!
And, you clearly stated early on in your letter that you made a mistake and got married, and that you moved to fast, and for fear of being alone you married this woman, but realize that you are better as friends. So, why are you trying to save this marriage? You also stated that your home life was not what you wanted. As a matter of fact you said it was a nightmare. So, why are you trying to save this marriage?
You, Mr. Retard, were in prison from 19 to 30 years old, thus, you missed your entire youth, prime ages for most men who are sowing their oats, and instead of taking things slow and getting your life together, and perhaps dating a few women, your donkey ass meets this woman, takes advantage of her niceness, her situation, and marry her, then after some careful thought of your former prison life and the sense of accountability it gave for YOU, you have this “Ah ha” moment of knowing that you made a mistake. Hmmmmm, but instead of rectifying this mistake, you sleep with her sister, conspire to keep it a secret, and 10 years later after it’s revealed you’re shocked that your wife is hurt, angry, humiliated, and that your marriage is on the rocks because of the mistrust, disloyalty, and deception. WOW! You people truly are special. I bet there is a farm where you all live on in some backwoods.
Chile, your wife deserves to be upset, angry, and feel humiliated. You slept with her sister. You deceived her into believing that your marriage was this happily-ever-after fairytale, and I know that you haven’t been honest with her about your true feelings of being just friends, and not a married couple. So, again, why are you shocked, and why are you trying to save this marriage?
And, no, Ole-Criminal-Ass-Trying-To-Use-Your-Prison-Psychology-In-The-Real-World, you don’t have a defense. This is not a court of law, and we all object to you trying to claim how great of a provider and father you are to your children. HERE’S A NEWSFLASH: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROVIDER AND FATHER. THAT’S WHAT REAL MEN DO. So, that pat you want on your back, reach over and touch your toes, I’ll let Bubba and ‘em pat you on the backside!
I’ll give you some credit, some prison credits, for attempting to get counseling for your marriage, but you can’t undo the pain, hurt, and humiliation that you caused your wife by sleeping with her sister. And, the fact that you two conspired together and hid it from your wife for 10 years. What else are you hiding? What else have you not told your wife? I’m sure there are some other things you’re keeping a secret. And, I don’t believe that you chose to move to another city after you got out of prison because you wanted a new start. I’m not buying that. I think you were, or are, running from your past of where you came from, and whatever you did there, well, guess what? It is showing up where you are now! BOOM! BAM! POW! You didn’t change, you just changed your location. So, whatever issues, demons, or dirt you’re trying to hide, you better resolve those and be truthful with yourself first. And, the relationship with your wife is going to have to run it’s course. You’ve deceived her. Lied to her. And, misled her. I’m surprised she is still there. She needs to divorce your ass quick fast and in a hurry. So, be prepared for whatever outcome you get, and if it means ending the marriage, then rightly so. You created this problem, so be man enough to deal with the consequences. And, you’re absolutely right, what is done in the dark will always come to the light! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!