I am a 22-year old female who just graduated from college.
I was involved in a relationship with a 25-year old man for two years. Initially we started talking on the phone before we met in person. My dad went on a business trip to my country (West African country), and came back telling me his friend’s brother saw a picture of me and really liked me. At first I was confused and really didn’t care, but a few weeks later I started receiving phone calls from a random guy all the way in Africa. I picked up the call because I thought it was one of my family members, but when I didn’t recognize who he was, he introduced himself, and told me he was in fact the guy that liked me.
I asked him how he got my number and he said my dad gave it to him. I was very reluctant to talk to him, but being a polite person I would make small conversation with him whenever he called. I didn’t talk to him for long because I wasn’t interested, but like I said, I didn’t want to be rude.
A year later, I decide to travel to my country to visit my family, and somehow, someway, we ended up at his family’s home for a get-together. I’ve never seen him before and didn’t know what he looked like, but I knew I was at his home. All of a sudden, a man walked up behind me and asks me if I’m the person he’s been talking to all this while and I said yes. He introduced himself again and asked me out on a date. I was a little embarrassed because I wasn’t expecting to see him. I thought he was cute and was instantly attracted to him, but I didn’t care to know him since we lived two continents away. Once again I didn’t want to be rude so I agreed to go on a date with him. He picked me up and took me to random places and then back to his house and we hung out and talked. He gave me a phone to stay in contact with him since I left my phone in the states.
I started to develop feelings for him and really started to see his personality. For the rest of the time there, he took me to different places and even started to tell me he loved me, all within a span of three days. I was overwhelmed but I didn’t know what to think. When I got back to the states, we stayed in touch and regularly talked on the phone. I became bored with the relationship since he was so far away and had no way of coming here, unless I married him, and filed for him. I wasn’t ready for marriage and decided to break things off. He wouldn’t hear of it and constantly told me he loved me and wants to marry me. I didn’t want to break his heart and decided to tough it out. I was beginning to fall in love with him, but I wasn’t ready for marriage. I didn’t know what to do.
One day, he wrote me on Facebook and gave me the greatest news, he was coming to the states on a student visa. I was ecstatic about the news. When he came he landed in Virginia. I was angry, again, because I live in California and he lives in Virginia. I asked him why he didn’t come to Cali and he said because he thought all the states were close to each-other. We decided to do the long distance thing and would regularly fly around to see each-other. He would tell me how much he loved me and how much he wants to marry me every single day. I became convinced that we were meant for each other.
On Christmas day 2010, I called to wish him a merry Christmas, and a woman who referred to him as baby asked him to pick up the phone. Blood rushed through me. I kept saying, “Hello, hello,” and the phone went dead. I called and called and called but no answer. I then went on Facebook to his page and saw a girl he once told me about and wanted to help him get his green card by marrying him. I went to her page and there were pics of them together and she was calling him her boyfriend. I was devastated, how could he do this to me after everything. I didn’t understand it and I contacted the girl. She was bold enough to tell me to check my man and blah blah because she has him. I thought about our family, my father, how close we all are. From the same village in our country, and the shame that comes with it.
I decided to end it right then and there before it gets too deep. After two weeks, he calls me acting normal. I cursed him out and broke up with him. He begged me and begged me saying that the girl is crazy, a liar and likes him, but he loves me and wants to marry me. I didn’t believe him, but he wouldn’t stop begging and begging, so I decided to give him a chance. For the whole year of 2011, we decided to start over and I would regularly go on the girls Facebook page.
In September, I went to her page, clicked on her pics and saw more pictures of them together as a couple. I wasn’t shocked, but I was angry and felt played. I called him again, cursed him out and told him never to call me again. I told him that he didn’t deserve me and everything I did for him, and that I did them from my heart and not because he used me. I cut off all contact with him and after about a week of me crying and sobbing uncontrollably, he calls me telling me that the girl is still crazy. The pics were taken at a party with other people and she cut them out and only left him. I asked him if she was so crazy, why are you still hanging around her? Why is she still your friend on Facebook? And, if you love me and know she’s trying to break up our relationship, why are you still communicating with her? I don’t remember the answer to these questions. I kept hanging up on him and asking him to leave me alone. He kept calling and calling, and telling me I need to be strong because other people are out to destroy what we’ve built and I’m letting them.
After about two weeks, I relented and gave it another try. After we moved on again, I wasn’t stupid, I knew something was going on, but I didn’t want to break it off just on circumstantial evidences. I wanted to have the real proof and know that I wasn’t crazy. So, I went to visit him for Christmas. This was the make it or break it trip for me. I booked a one-way flight after he begged me for two months to come visit. He didn’t want to come to Cali because I still live with my parents and he didn’t want my family intruding. He promised to pay for my ticket back and I believed him. I went, and the first two days we had a blast. Then he had to go to work. He worked at a nursing home as a counselor and did multiple shifts in one night. He decides to go for the night shift and promised to come back in the morning. He came back and then went for another shift and this continued for the rest of the trip. I became annoyed and hung up on him when he called to check up on me. After that, he never came back for three days. I didn’t see or hear from him even on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day.
I was distraught, heartbroken and scared. Here I was in this state, no money to get back home and nowhere to go. I called him and asked him to pay for my ticket to return, and he blatantly told me he had no money. I was shocked and realized right then and there that he was the devil’s son. I called him that and hung up on him and borrowed some money from a friend to go home. After I left he called me twice, but I never answered and that was the last I ever heard from him, and it has now been a few months. I still think about him from time to time and cry about the situation a lot because I loved him and still do. But, I refuse to go back to him. All I want to know is why, what was his motive after all these years. Please don’t crucify me because I decided to give love a chance. I just want your opinion as to why he was so adamant on being with me and marrying me and then doing what he did. – Annoyed
Dear Ms. Annoyed,
It’s really hard to not crucify you after this man has shown you that he is the devil’s spawn, and doesn’t give two cents about you. Because, in the midst of it, you kept putting yourself in the situation even after you had proof that he was cheating on you, lying to you, and only using you so that he could get into this country. YOU HAD BLATANT PROOF, YET, YOU OPTED TO NOT TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. YOU OPTED NOT TO FOLLOW YOUR GUT, AND YOUR LOGICAL REASONING THINKING MIND. YOU LET THIS FOOL TRIP YOU UP WITH THE OLE OKEY DOKE, “I love you. That girl is crazy, and she doesn’t mean anything to me. She’s a liar. You’re the one I want to be with. They are just trying to break us up, and tear us apart from one another.” Really! Really, girl?
His motive after all these years was to use you so that he could get into this country. That is it. That is all. He didn’t want anything more with you.
Chile, men will say anything, and you women will fall for it every single time. Even after you have all the proof, all the evidence, and even catch them in the act, you will let him say those three words, “I love you,” and everything goes out of the window. SIGH! Please, please, please women stop letting a man tell you how much he loves you, yet, he is doing everything completely opposite of what love is. He’s lying, manipulating, deceptive, cheating, abusive, and using you. D**k comes a dime a dozen. And, the man attached to it will make you think his is special, unique, and one-of-a-kind. Chile, it, nor he, isn’t!
Now, let’s move on. First, I hate to tell you this, but, err, uhm, you were not involved in a relationship for two years. You were mislead and deceived for two years. A relationship involves two people who are committed to one another, and they both are contributing to the relationship. Your African lover was not. Basically, you were in a relationship with yourself with the hopes of it being a mutual exchange. Your African lover did what so many immigrants do when they want to leave their home country – They solicit young naïve women into believing they were meant to be together, and their undying love crosses continents and the oceans keep them apart, and in order for you two to be together, because he will do anything to be with you, it is you who must risk marrying them and bringing them to the good ole U. S. of A. so that you can live blissfully in love as his queen. LMBAO! And, you fell for it. SMDH! You’re from Africa, so how could you not see this one coming?
That damn man saw a picture of you when your dad was visiting your country. Two things happened: Your dad was there on business, which meant your African suitor saw this as an opportunity to come up because he assumed your dad had money. Then, when he saw your picture and he had a light bulb moment, “Feign interest in this woman because it will get me into the country. It’s a win-win for me. I get to marry a rich man’s daughter, and I get into the United States.”
Now, he comes to the United States on a student visa. Uhm, boo boo, what school is he enrolled in? He got here on a student visa, yet, you never stated which school he was in, or planning to attend. Thus, this should have sent bells off in your head. He has been, and is, thirsty to be in this country. And, the woman who answered his phone on Christmas Day, the woman who called him baby, the woman he told you about and who wanted to marry him to get him here, and the woman you contacted on Facebook and she told you to check your man, uhm, sweetie, DING! DING! DING! Let’s do some deductions and equations to this situation, and what do you have? Awww, yes, he married her to get into this country, and never told you, but, he keeps you around because, I don’t know, what do you think?
Honey, when you learned of this woman, and she answered the phone saying, “Baby,” that should have sealed the deal right then and there. No more contact. No answering the phone. No discussion. No nothing. But, then, this fool didn’t contact you for two weeks, and you picked up the phone?!?! Chile, it wouldn’t have been me. No ma’am. There would have been no more going back and forth. Honey, you should have casted some roots on that man!!!
But, this is what I don’t understand. You bought a one-way ticket to go see this man who had been lying to you, constantly making you look like a fool, filling your head with manipulative and deceptive stories of his undying love for you, and you bought this? Yeah, I see the dumb gene is universal. No matter what part of the world you come from, there is one born every minute. And, one born every minute refers to a “Sucker Ass Trick.”
But, hold up, this fool disappeared for three days when you got there, and then told you that he wasn’t buying your ticket to get back home? WOW! WOW! WOW! I would have burned all of his clothes, trashed all his belongings, and then went through his drawers and found his visa and took it! He would never be able to travel in, or out of this country, EVER AGAIN! (But, let me repent, and do some whoo-sas! That’s the old me! LOL)
Please stop crying over this man. He used you. He lied to you. He didn’t want anything with you other than to use you to get into this country. He found another woman who was naïve and dumb enough to marry him and bring him to this country. If I were you I’d call immigration and report his ass and the scheme he did. That’ll teach his ass!! You’re too smart, and young, to be crying over some man who ain’t –ish, and doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. He can’t afford to take care of you, or be with you. You did all the spending on your relationship. You invested in the relationship. He didn’t invest anything. Not one damn thing! Please re-read your letter, and take notice to the lies, the work, and effort you made each and every time to make it work. Then, I want you to consider the plethora of men who are in this country, who are available, mature, relationship-driven, and are not trying to use you or take advantage of your heart. Yes, my African Queen, it’s time to open your eyes, and recognize where you come from, and the power, beauty, grace, and intelligence you possess! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!