My ex recently went to jail for a domestic charge, but he still wants to be a part of our daughter’s life.
Let me rewind for a second. You see, we’d been together for 3 years. He is 23 and I’m 21-years old, and going to school for nursing. He is a high school drop-out. We met through mutual friends. Things started off okay, but then they became rocky. He doesn’t know how to hold his liquor, nor does he know how to keep hands to himself; which I found out the hard way.
I’ve been through a lot with this man – I’ve had his child, and as well as being choked, and dragged by my hair. Pretty much to him I’m his equal in strength. I was his enabler, and the couple of jobs he’s had they were never stable. He’s also very insecure. He told me to get an abortion twice, not to mention him cheating on me when I was 3 months. Before him I had a lot of confidence. Now, I don’t know.
So, now we have a 5-month old. When I was pregnant he acted as if he was so happy. But, he stressed me out my whole pregnancy. Thankfully my baby was born healthy. We bring her home and he starts screaming at her to stop crying, swearing at her and what have you. Mind you, he was already no help (I had a C-section) and couldn’t do much, so I had to end my recovery to be able to care for our child because I didn’t want things to escalate. Due to our relationship I don’t have many friends or family.
The situation at hand is that I got a restraining order on him where I was awarded full custody. I let him come by to see the baby, and when I asked him to help bring the baby down the stairs for me (he brings down the carriage & stroller combined), the baby tipped over. His excuse is that he thought I had the other end. I know I’m stupid for letting him come by, but that is his child. I feel it was on purpose, although he was crying crocodile tears. I called the police because I was concerned for the well-being of my baby. Now, he wants me to hold him down. Puhhleeaase. My question is should I even let him be a part of her life? I didn’t have that male figure. I so want her to have that bond, but not under those circumstances. Or, if it costs her safety, sanity, and innocence. Please help! – Ms. Helpless
Dear Ms. Helpless,
You know what I can’t stand – anyone who calls themselves “Helpless.” It makes my blood boil when I hear people say, “I’m helpless.” NO THE “F” YOU ARE NOT! Stop claiming helplessness. You are not weak. Stop saying that! You have the power of your life, and your child’s life. You have the power to decide what happens to you. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow them to. So, stop being a victim and become a victor!
Girl, this man has repeatedly whooped your ass over and over again, and you’re considering putting your daughter’s life in this predicament with a known abuser? Please help me to understand this. Please help me to see what reasoning can you possible have in allowing your child to be with a man who attempted to knock your dumbass down the stairs while carrying his child?
Not only does he need help, but your ass needs some help as well. Who will knowingly remain in a relationship with a man, as an enabler (I’m glad you admit your part), who beats on you, and then have a child with this man? What????!!! Why??!!! You continued to lay down with this man and procreate? He shouldn’t have had any nuts to produce any sperm after the first time he laid hands on you. That would and should have been his last time putting his hands on anybody. Chile, I wish a man would drag me by my $2,500 lacefront. He wouldn’t have awakened after he went to sleep. You should have waited until his ass was good and drunk, then tied him up (I’m talking about hands and feet bound with duct tape, rope, and cord), and then you should have tortured his ass! I’m talking about razors, salt, vinegar, rubbing alcohol, bats, clubs, brass knuckles, and an electrical cord.
Honey, let me break this down for you: There is nothing he can do for you or your daughter. Yeah, yeah, you want your child to have a relationship with her father because you didn’t have one, but Ms. Honey, he is not a father. He is not a man. He is a sperm donor. He cannot teach your daughter anything other than how to run from a man who is abusive! Keep your child away from him! If you want your child to make it to age 1, then do not, and I mean DO NOT allow him near your child. You even stated that you are concerned for her well-being. Then, under what pretense are you giving this any type of consideration? Please, dear Lawd, let me contain myself before I come to your house and knock some sense into your big ass dome.
But, let’s look at his credentials: He’s 23-years old, a high school drop-out, can’t maintain a stable job, a cheater, manipulator, liar, ABUSER, an alcoholic, and is currently in jail for a domestic violence charge. Hmmm, does this sound like a winner to you? Looking at him on paper does he make a suitable mate or father? Does his pedigree scream Father of The Year, or a man who is capable or able to care for his child responsibly, and with maturity? I’ll let you ponder that for a moment. I know it may take a moment for it to sink into your head. I’m sure the damage from him dragging you by your hair has shifted your brain, thus, impairing your judgment and cognitive thinking skills.
Girl, please move, and I literally mean, MOVE, and go someplace far away. Don’t have any contact with him. There is no need to have any conversations. There is nothing to discuss. He has repeatedly shown you who he is. He is not going to change. Nothing will be different. This is what you need to know: Once an abuser, always an abuser. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Make sure to go to court, and get child support payments set up. Have them make it possible whereas the payments are deducted from his pay, and put into an account that you set up. Then, let the court know that you feel threatened and afraid for you and your daughter’s safety. Show them the paperwork from his domestic charge, and that he’s been arrested and in jail. Honey, you go in the court and you perform! You hear me, damn it! You let the court know how scared you are, and that you are in hiding. Show me your petrified face. No, not that ugly ass face. A petrified face! Girl, start practicing on looking scared, nervous, and petrified. Now, when you move, he doesn’t need to know where you live, your phone number, email, or any means of contact. Block him out of your life, and make sure that restraining order remains in effect. You say that you had a lot of confidence before him, well, girl, it’s going to take you digging deep within yourself and finding it again. Get it back and get your Wonder Woman strength! Don’t ever relinquish your power to any man. Don’t ever allow yourself to be some man’s punching bag. And, don’t you ever let a man drag you by that fierce hairpiece. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!