I need some help! I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now.
During the first year or so of our relationship we were in that honeymoon stage where everything was perfect. Neither of us spent much time with our friends because we couldn’t get enough of each other, but after awhile the newness of the relationship died down (like it does in all relationships), and I began wanting to spend more time with my friends. I started going out about once a week (usually on Friday’s after work for happy hour) and it started causing problems in the relationship because my boyfriend would get jealous and worried that I was speaking to other guys.
After about another year and a half of dealing with his insecurities, I told him that I needed a break because I couldn’t deal with the arguing that would inevitably happen just because I wanted to spend a couple hours with friends. We broke up for a couple months and he begged me all the while to come back. We finally started speaking again and taking things slow and I told him I couldn’t get back with him until he showed me he had learned to trust me. I’ve gone out quite a few times since we started seeing each other again and he has definitely shown major improvement! He doesn’t argue with me anymore and he seems to have worked on his insecurities.
The problem I’m facing now though is that now I’m the one with the insecurities! Every couple of weeks he’ll go out and grab a few drinks with his friends, but he doesn’t invite me along, when before he would invite me to go everywhere with him! He doesn’t stay out late or act shady. It just worries me a little that he doesn’t think to invite me at all. Do I have reason to worry or am I just trippin?? – Mis-Trust
Uhm, excuse me, boo boo, but weren’t you the one complaining that you were spending too much time together, and when you wanted to go out and do your thing with your friends his insecurities irked you, thus, you broke up with him because of it? And, now that you’ve gotten back together, and he goes out and spends time with his friends, and doesn’t invite you, your insecurities have set in because of what???? Hmmm, inquiring minds want to know. Is it because when you were out doing your thing, and flirting with guys, or looking at guys, or doing lawd knows what that you feel that perhaps your boyfriend is doing the same thing?
Girl, miss me!
Why would he extend an invite to you every time he goes out to hang with his friends when you don’t or didn’t extend an invite to him when you were hanging out with your friends? It’s because that time is for you and your friends. And, that time is for him and his friends. Let him enjoy himself and have fun without you for a few hours. Geez! You even said that he doesn’t stay out late or act shady. Then why start putting these insecurities into your relationship over your own self-doubts or your guilty actions! BOOM! BAM! POW!
This is why it’s important to set boundaries in relationships. Y’all folks get all lovey dovey in the first few months of the relationship, and like you said, it wears off, and then you want your space. You want some time alone. That’s when your mate starts acting suspicious and jealous because you’ve changed the rules of the game. He’s mistrusting of you because for all those months you were together, ALL THE DAMN TIME, and then when you got tired of him, you decided to switch things up because you realized that you were devoting all your time to him and not giving yourself any time to be with your own thoughts or self. You stopped hanging out with your friends, neglecting yourself and personal space because all of sudden you got somebody. Acting like you ain’t never been with nobody before. LMBAO!
So, when someone changes the dynamics of the relationship it’s expected that their mate is going to think something is going on. Because, why all of a sudden you want some space, or time alone, or to hang out with your friends without them? Hell, I would be suspicious, too!
Don’t start your relationships all up under one another, and acting like you can’t breathe without each other. You need that space and time to maintain a sense of yourself, and who you are.
Honey, I’ve been in relationships, and I let my partners know, “Look, you had your friends before you met me, and they will be there after me. And, I had my friends before I met you, and they will be here after you. I don’t mind meeting your friends, and hanging out every once in a while, and vice-versa, but I’m not trying to be best friends with them, nor do I want to hang out with them all the time. They are your friends, not mine. So, I’m going to hang out with my friends, and you continue to hang out with yours. And, please don’t feel obligated that you have to invite me to come along all the time. I’m not going to feel any type of way because you don’t invite me. Hell, I’m not going to invite you every time I go hang out with them. Now, if it’s some place out of town, or a concert, or a movie I’ve been expressing I want to see, then let me know. I may not want to go, but extend the invite.” And, you know what, sweetie, it works.
Look, stop worrying, wondering, and stressing over what he may or may not be doing without you while he’s with his friends. He’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless, and you can’t stop him. Just like when you hang out with your friends, and you do what you do. He can’t stop you because you’re grown, and you’re going to do what the hell you want to do anyway. Let him have his fun, and you go and get you some business and enjoy yourself. Then when he comes home you continue to have more fun! Remember, the space and time apart allows you both time to decompress, let your hair down, laugh, and enjoy some time with others who are part of your life, and they want to celebrate you and your love life as well. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!