I have just found out my fiancé had a baby with his ex-wife while I was pregnant.
He came home drunk one night, and I found the pictures of him with the kid in his phone. Should I mention that he had been through a similar experience where his other ex-wife lied to him about a child being his?? So if he understands the pain, then why would he do this to me??
Anyway, since I found out, he has been working to get me back, and apologizing for doing it and not telling me about the situation sooner. But, I don’t care to hear it. He’s lost ALL my respect and trust. He says he doesn’t know why he did it, and this makes my respect level dip deep into the negative. He had been separated from her for years and never touched her. Even dated other women for years. But, when he filed the papers for divorce, she and his family flipped out and told him he was doing the wrong thing. You see, she and his family are very close, and his parents are very involved with their love life. According to him, the mother and father would call and keep in touch with her, plus she would extend herself to his family in any way she could, all the while he was struggling to get his parents to pick up the phone. Anyway, according to him he went over to her house to straighten it out, and that’s when “it” happened. I feel so hurt and distraught that I am stuck with this MoFo for at least the next 18 years. However, this is not the first time he has not been forthcoming.
We’ve been dating for over 2 years, and we fell in love and wanted to spend our lives together. However, I became suspicious because I didn’t meet his parents (which he told me they’ve had issues, which I could understand) even though we talked about marriage. Soon it was revealed (through my own investigation) that he was still legally married but apart from his now ex-wife for years (a.k.a. a Black divorce). I mean again, he was dating other women before we met. We became pregnant, he filed for divorce, all hell (on his side) broke loose, and he ended up impregnating his Precious look-a-like ex-wife. I was very angry. He didn’t talk to me about what was going on, but instead ran to her to “talk it out.” He said he just frustrated at the harassment and wanted his family to accept us, but I let him know that was not a good way to do it. During all this he could have harmed me and our unborn child. That’s just dirty!! And what upsets me also is that while he was going through all this, I was pregnant and clueless.
This has been an absolute mess. I’ve introduced him to my family, friends, and co-workers. Now, I have to deal with the embarrassment of the situation, plus the generational repercussions. How do I break away while allowing him to have a relationship with his child? I don’t wanna stay with a deceiver plus be stuck with the ex-wife and child (who both have health issues) for the rest of MY life. In your opinion, what do I do?
What bothers me also about this is that he’s got no reason as to why he did it. He just doesn’t know. So, I just say he’s a snake. He has been begging begging, pleading and praying that we work it out and saying we can still get married and follow through on our life plans, but it’s falling on deaf ears. We were getting back to decent and respectable, and he went and took us further down. I’m seeking counseling for the anger and hurt and my own reasons why I got into this. But, in your opinion, how can I distance myself away from him while allowing him and our child to keep a relationship? – Coming Out Of The Dark
Dear Ms. Coming Out Of The Dark,
WOW! WOW! WOW! This is a hotassmess.com! Why didn’t you punch him in his face with a skillet, clip his nuts, and throw some hot grease on his behind! He is just trifling and low-down dirty.
Chile, there is no amount of begging, pleading and praying that he can do to make you return to that situation. This asshole let you go through your entire pregnancy knowing he had another a child with his ex-wife, and didn’t even bother to tell you?!?! Was he hoping you would never discover it, and you just lived your lives in blissful happiness and peace? Is that fool that dumb to believe that you would have never discovered or learned about this other child with his ex-wife? I swear some men are just as stupid and retarded as their little heads in their pants.
I’m happy that you are receiving counseling and working on your issues, hurt, and anger. That is the first step to healing yourself and moving on with your life. And, as much as it may hurt right now, but you’re going to have to forgive him and his ex-wife. They are only doing what they know how to do because they don’t know any better. Remember, their relationship was filled with drama, cheating, misconception, deception, and lies. Therefore, he didn’t heal from his relationship with her despite him moving on and dating other women. He was just trying to find someone to replace her, but no one could replace the pain and hurt she caused him. Therefore, you came along, and though you are a good woman, understanding, loving, and kind, it cannot undo the hurt caused by the woman who did him dirty. That is why he returned to her, and was easily able to sleep with her because they had some unresolved issues.
My only wish is that you would have been in counseling prior to getting engaged to this damn fool once you learned that he lied about being married, though separated from his wife. If you’d been in counseling you would have learned that he harbored some feelings for his ex-wife, and that you two should have ended your relationship then, and never gotten engaged or discussed marriage.
So, here we are, and he’s used you, because I truly feel that the only reason he wanted to marry you is to use you as a way to get over his ex-wife. He has two children with two women, and he’s the jerk who isn’t man enough to admit that he has no control over his life, and when folks are out of control they will only bring destruction in other people’s lives. He couldn’t control his relationship with his parents and their relationship with his ex-wife because he’s not a man. He doesn’t have a backbone, or any nuts. I’m surprised he was able to produce any sperm to impregnate you and his ex-wife. LMBAO! Anyway, he should have introduced you to his family as the new woman in his life, and that his ex-wife should not, does not, and cannot be a part of his life, nor should she be allowed access to his life with you. But, he didn’t do that because he’s spineless, and his family knew that he still wanted his ex-wife, which is why they helped to facilitate their infidelity. And, yeah, they are some assholes as well because they knew that both of you were pregnant and no one pulled you to the side and told you what was up. They are just as guilty as he is. And, I don’t have any respect for them.
Honey, be glad that you didn’t marry this fool, and then you found out everything. This is a saving grace, and you should thank the lord that you didn’t walk down that aisle and his family was sitting there snickering and laughing behind your back. Yeah, it may be embarrassing that you introduced him to your family, friends, and co-workers because he sold you on this idea of being a good man, but I’m sure they will all support you in this process, and help you move on. You’re not the first, or the last, to experience someone lying to you, deceiving you, or manipulating you. Everyone has experienced someone like that jackass. You’ll be amazed at how many people have been duped and mislead.
So, take his ass to court, get child support set up, and arrange for visitation with his child. The only relationship you need to have with him is to discuss your child. Outside of that there is nothing else to discuss. There are no discussions on getting back together, talking about your personal lives, or hanging out and spending time together. Nope. Sorry. He’s shown you who he is, and his heart isn’t with you, nor was he serious about being with you. A real man would stand up for his woman, stand up for his relationship, and stand up for himself. He wouldn’t let others run all over him, and dictate his life. But, then again, you don’t, nor didn’t have a real man. So, maintain your counseling sessions, build your spiritual muscles, and recognize him as a learning lesson. He taught you something, along with the false pretense of a relationship you had. Learn from it, and him, and start anew. You’re worth so much more than him and his ex-wife. You don’t need them in your life, and there is nothing they can offer you but their lips to kiss both of your butt cheeks. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!