Hello Terrance! I always enjoy your articles and your honesty. I’m having problems with my marriage.
I don’t trust him and I am fed up! My husband and I have been together for three years, but married for one. We have one son, and now I am pregnant with our second child. When we first met everything was perfect. He is in the military, and in our first year he had to be away for five months. When he came back we moved in together. After moving in I became pregnant with our son, and the first month of my pregnancy I found Facebook messages of him flirting with other women. I was ready to leave him, but he begged me to stay and deleted his account. So, I did.
Then 6 months into my pregnancy I found in his phone that he had a website account with Mocospace and was flirting again with other women. Once again he begged me to stay, and stupid me I did. I found other things such as pr0n and him messaging females. He had a really bad car accident and almost lost his life, so he promised me he was a changed man. We began going to church and everything was going great. I was beginning to trust him again.
So, recently I haven’t been getting a good feeling whenever he leaves for his military trips. He is always texting and he rarely calls, so my gut feeling was telling me something was not right. I was always told to go with that gut feeling. I downloaded a texting app and decided to pretend to be a pretty female he knows. I found this random girl that went to his high school, and I began texting him. He knew the girl and I found out he knows her sister as well. He said him and her sister was planning to chill and that they chilled the last time he was in town, which was before our son’s birthday. He also said he used to mess around with her sister in 2007, even if we weren’t together in 2007 why would you as a married man hang out with a woman you messed around with or even be friends with her?
But, to make this short, I got him to flirt and send a picture of himself and he wanted to see a picture of her body. So, when I confronted him and told him I set him up he said him and his friend was making fun of the girl, but I don’t believe it. This is the second pregnancy he has done this to me. I know I don’t deserve this because I am a good faithful woman. Right now we are separated, but he wants to talk to our pastor to see if we can work it out. I agreed to talk to our pastor, but depending on how I feel afterward is if we stay married or not.
Do you think I shouldn’t give him a chance? Or, should I talk to our pastor to see if we can work it out? I am confused because I feel like he will never change, but I love him. I really need help with this. – Ms. Fed Up But Confused
Dear Ms. Fed Up But Confused,
Here we go with that classic line people say, “He will never change, but I love him.” SMHD! If I had a dollar, hell, even a quarter, for every time I heard that line I’d be a paid MoFo right now and living on some remote Caribbean Island sipping, dipping, and getting crunked off that island juice! LOL!
Look here, if you have to go through all of this madness and drama of setting your OWN husband up to find out that he is doing what he’s been doing ever since you’ve been married (cheating, lying, playing you for a fool, getting it in with other women, being a hoe, and probably have other children running around) then why are you confused? If you’ve caught him doing it during your first pregnancy, and then your second, AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD, when you set him up you learned that he was doing it in 2007 before you met, then why in the hell do you think he will change? (Pulls up chair and perches right in front of your face). HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE, BOO BOO.
In your own words, and your own admission you stated that you feel that he will never change. Now, Ms. Bright-Eyed-And-Bushy-Tailed, having this information, and having caught him in the act on numerous occasions, and him telling you that he will not do it again, but he does, AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, and knowing he will never change, then what do you think talking with the pastor is going to resolve? As I’ve quoted before from one of Ms. Lauryn Hill’s songs, “If every day people lie to God, what makes you think they won’t lie to you?” If this man can sit up in your face and lie to you, then I’m certain he will sit up and lie to the pastor’s face. He is a professional liar with much game. He’s on one right now, and, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
My question is why are you playing these games (By the way, in case you didn’t notice, but, err, uhm, you’re losing) and going through all of this to prove what you know to be true, but then you question and doubt what you should do next? It’s not rocket science, Chile. This is basic elementary math (pulls out bull-ish calculator). Now, add asshole lying plus asshole getting caught, and that equals yous an asshole who cheats. Now, multiply asshole lying by asshole getting caught again and again, and that equals yous a dirty dog asshole who don’t give a freak about me. Now, the square root of dirty dog asshole who don’t give a freak about me, and that equals you got the wrong one and I’m taking all your military benefits in this divorce (Dougie’s out the door with kids in tow).
While you’re sitting up in the pastor’s office, and your husband is apologizing and crying saying that he won’t do it again, and he is going to be a better man, you should keep smiling, nodding, and saying, “I know, honey. I know you love me, and this will all blow over. We’re going to get through this together.” And, you reach into your bag and pull out your cell phone and let the divorce lawyer know that, yes, he can proceed with drawing up the paperwork, and that you want all! Not a third, not a quarter, not half, but ALL!! Then you turn back to your husband and stroke his face, and keep smiling and say, “I know this won’t happen again. I know you’re going to change.” Then, when you get home you make love to him like you’ve never done before. I’m talking about some toe-curling, sheet ripping, name calling, and some 3 times in a night –ish. Afterward, and as he prepares to go out of town for his next military trip, you wish him well, and send him off. Then you start packing all his –ish and ship it to him. You change the locks, your phone, email, and other means of contact. You have your lawyer send him the paperwork, and let all communication transpire between your lawyer and your soon-to-be-ex-husband. When he’s begging and pleading to come back, because he will, you tell him, “Well, since you couldn’t and refuse to change, I did. I’m wiser. I’m stronger. I’m better.” BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!