Dear Bossip: I Asked My Man If He Was Gay Because Of Some Things I Found, He Said Yes, But Retracted

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

First and for most, let me start of by acknowledging the books you have wrote. I enjoyed them.

In addition to your books; I take pleasure in reading your response to articles on Bossip. The straight forwardness you have when convey your message. So, let me get to my question. I would like to know if I have come across an undercover brotha. I have known him for two years, and now we are both in the military. He has been deployed and so fourth. So, now that we’re stationed in the same area we have been seeing each other more. I refuse to commit to him because he is a ladies’ man and his past sends me red flags. So, why not have little fun here in there and on my terms.

However, he has always voiced to me that he wants to be more than just a friend, and he stopped talking to me for little while because I won’t commit. My point to him, show me you have moved on from your past then we can talk. He has yet to fully show me, but he did introduce to his baby mama brother. So, I don’t know if that was an effort, but it was not good enough for me.

Now, I have an even BIGGER issue. The other day when I was over his place, and I was bored and started snooping on his lap top. Well, I came across some “He/She” Pr0n, and Gay pr0n. Also, he had some Trans on there too. So, that got me to thinking. He does have all female friends with the exception of his brother, cousin and a couple of home boys. Initially, I contributed that to him being a ladies’ man. Then I got to thinking, what straight man would have gay porn and Trans on his PC? Also, he always wears colored rubber bands when he is regular clothes. All this is running through my mind.

So, the next day we meet have lunch and I asked him to walk and talk with me afterwards. I brought it to his attention what I found and asked if he considered himself bisexual or gay. His response baffled me. He said, “I’m gay,” and quickly retracted his statement. He said, “No, I’m not gay, honestly.” I then proceeded to ask him that if he wasn’t then why he is so calm and his reaction seemed more like he was ashamed and then mad. Like, wouldn’t a straight man be offended that I questioned his sexuality??? So, Terrance, am I reading too deep into what I found and the way he responded. I have not spoken to him since because I feel disgusted and that he didn’t take my feelings into consideration if that may be the case. Also, besides my finding are there signs if you are dealing with a undercover brotha? – For Future Reference

Dear Ms. For Future Reference,

Let me pull out my bull-ish calculator right quick. Let’s see here, adds straight man plus Gay pr0n found on his computer equals HE’S GAY. A straight man multiplied by Trans found on his computer equals HE’S STILL GAY. Now, divide the colored rubber bands he wears (if they are all red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple) and do the square root of HE’S GAY, and that equals HE’S GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY!

Girl, you discover all this information on his computer, and then you confront him and ask him if he considers himself bisexual or gay, and his response was “I’m gay,” but, he retracts it quickly. Uhm, was that supposed to be funny? Was he being sarcastic? Or, perhaps it was a Freudian slip, and he realized what he said and quickly responded with, “No, I’m not gay, honestly.” I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I’m not going to joke around and say something I know not to be true, especially if someone has some damaging or irrefutable evidence. By the way, you missed a golden opportunity to ask him why did he have Gay and Trans pr0n on his computer? Why was he visiting those sites?  Is he interested in it? Has he ever done it? Is he interested or curious in it?

It’s too late to go back to him now because he’s had time to think about it, and will come up with some explanation like, “One of my boys was playing on my computer.” Or, “One of my boys sent me this link and I was like, ‘Oh, hell naw!’ because I had never seen anything like it.” Whatever excuse he uses, he will have one because he’s had the opportunity to come up with something.

I don’t understand you ladies, and when you find incriminating information about your men, yet, you still won’t trust your instincts, and the blatant information you have. Are you waiting to catch him in the actual act? Are you waiting until you see him doing it and then you’ll have your ‘ah-ha’ moment? But, you know what, it won’t matter any way because he’ll come up with some lame excuse of why his d**k is in another man’s a**, and you’ll say, “He’s right. I didn’t see what I thought I say. They were just playing around. He was just experimenting, and he wasn’t the one being penetrated, so he’s not gay.” And, you’ll welcome him back into your bed and life as if nothing happened. SMDH!

And, I’m sorry, sweetie, but what was the point of introducing you to his baby momma brother? What did that prove? That they are in cahoots together, and he prepped him on what to say and do when he met you. Why not introduce you to the baby momma? Hell, why even introduce you to any of them? If he has moved on, then they should be in his past, and not a part of his future. Why is hanging out with his baby momma brother anyway?

You say that he has all female friends (HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOO!) with the exception of his brother, cousin and a few home boys. Well, what about his baby momma’s brother? You forgot to mention him. They are friends, too. Hmmmm, how you doin! (In my Wendy Williams voice).

But, there is a saying that I live by, “Everyone knows except you.” If everyone suspects you of being gay, and you keep saying you’re not, well, I’m going to go with the general consensus. And, you’re in denial because you haven’t come to terms with yourself. There are obviously some things you are demonstrating and displaying that causes folks to assume you’re gay, and one of them, oh, I don’t know, could be the fact that you have Gay and Trans pr0n on your computer.  LMBAO!

Just as you stated that he seemed ashamed and mad after he retracted his statement, I feel he knows he was busted. He was caught, and you were pulling his card, and he’d never had anyone to pull his card, so you noticed all the emotions he was experiencing of anger, shame, guilt, and hurt. I truly think he’s not comfortable enough to identify with his sexual identity, desires, and interests just yet. He may just be discovering who he is, or may have been struggling for years, thus, his need to be a womanizer, and sleep with lots of women. Many men who are struggling with their sexuality will overcompensate by having a slew of women to prove their manhood. Or, it’s an attempt to fight his urges, and he’s trying to prove to himself that he still likes and finds women attractive. There are many men who fight, and deny their sexual identity, urges, and desires. They don’t, and can’t understand why they have the feelings they have for the same sex. It is peculiar for them. It is difficult and a long process of accepting themselves for who they are. He may feel he will be judged, criticized, and ridiculed, and doesn’t want to deal with the possible rejection, challenges, and obstacles gay men and women experience with family, friends, and co-workers who may not be accepting. Besides, he is in the military, and it’s only been recent that the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has been repealed. Yay, President Obama! However, I’m certain that he’s probably seen and heard some offensive things said about openly gay men and women serving in the military, and doesn’t want to be ostracized by his fellow military brothers.

Look, there is no way to know if a man is on the down low. Sorry, but despite what you heard there are no clues, hand signals, secret words, colors, codes, or looking into a man’s eyes to tell if he is on the down low. But, what I do feel that you women need to ask questions of your men like, have you ever had a sexual encounter with another man, or someone Trans or Trans in your life. Have you thought about it? Have you ever had the desire? And, yes, ask him if he’s gay, or considers himself bisexual. But, don’t ask him if he’s attracted to men, he will flat out and say no. Most men who are discovering their sexuality, and most men who are down low or bisexual do not think or feel they are attracted to men, not in the same sense of having an attraction for a woman, however, it’s more of a sexual act. Also, ask your man if he has a fantasy of enjoying both male and female genitalia from someone? Does he like having his a** played with, and the idea of a woman with a penis pounding him? Is he into sucking d**k and breasts at the same time? Does he want you to use your sex toy on him often, and penetrate him? Does he hop on his knees and arch that back and want you to plow him? Chile, you women better ask these questions.

Honey, you’re in the military, and I’m sure you’re a smart cookie, but if you’ve discovered all this information, then what confirmation do you need from me? Don’t they teach you to follow your instincts in the military? If you suspect something isn’t right, or come across an area, or place, or some people whom you know are lying, and your radar is telling you something’s not right, then SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT! If your gut is telling you something about that man, and it’s making you unsettled despite what he says and does, then follow your gut! If you start running through your mind and start noticing all those little things that you overlooked previously, and now it’s all adding up because of some new information, GIRL, TRUST YOUR GUT! HE’S GAY! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     

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