Dear Bossip: We’ve Been Dating 4 Years & Lived Together, But I’ve Learned He’s Been Married All This Time

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

OK, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years.

We met when I was 21 and he was 22-years old. We have been together ever since. We moved together at age 23 because he was deploying and we wanted to spend the last few months together. I agreed to move 7 hours away from my home to be with him since he got stationed somewhere else. We stayed together for about the last 5 months that he was in the states. Once he deployed, I moved back home to continue school.

All throughout his deployment he called me almost every day he sent me money whenever I needed it. He basically took care of me during his whole deployment because I didn’t have a job since I quit my job to move with him for those few months. Before I moved with him I found his deployment papers and I saw that he had a dependent on it and it stated WIFE. Me being the idiot that I was I confronted him about it and he told me he was divorced and that they didn’t correct his info yet. I believed him.

So, months after that, and he had been deployed for 7 months, he came back and spent some R&R with me. We flew to his home and I met his family and everything. He had already met mine. He went back to finish his deployment for the next 6 months and throughout that time his mail was coming to my house. And, yeah, I opened some. He filled out his taxes and I saw that he was married and filled separately. Another RED flag. I didn’t ask him about it because with him being in the line of fire every day, I know that’s something soldiers don’t need to go through while there are going through killings and deaths every day.

I waited until he came back from deployment. It slipped my mind once he came back because I was blinded with all of the gifts and good treatment he gave me. I felt like a queen. He came back and drove 3 hours to see me every week because I moved to the ATL to be closer to him and finish school. Every week he was there to see me or I was at his apartment. About 6 months after he was back, we decided that I should move back in with him and transfer schools. I agreed and moved in, but I didn’t transfer schools yet.

About after 2 months I remembered the married situation. I found more papers saying he was still married and they were all dated as recent. Turns out that his entire family knew he was still married, but kept that secret away from me. I confronted him and he finally told me when I was about to leave that he was married and that he lied about it because he didn’t want to lose me. He told me he hasn’t seen his wife in almost 5 years. He then went to show me his divorce papers he had filled a few days before I confronted him about it.

I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it because I was so embarrassed about the situation. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Now, I’m still here living with him and it’s been about 6 months since he showed me the papers. It seems as if he’s not putting any effort in trying to get divorced and it’s making me feel like I don’t need to be in this position. Every day I’m out with him I know that I’m holding the hand of a married man. He’s not my man, he’s someone else’s.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be as committed to him as I am because it’s just not right. I know there has been some unfaithful things done to me during these years and I have done some unfaithful things to him to get back at him, Which has happened when we were about 23 and 24 years old. We are 25 and 26 now. I can tell now that he’s changed and I have changed as well. I know right now that he loves me more than I love him. I don’t feel the way I used to feel about him because I think he’s lying to me about everything since he’s lied to me for all of these years. Am I trippin????

The more time goes on, I think I’m falling out of love and it seems he’s more in love with me as time goes on. If I didn’t think he was lying to me all the time I wouldn’t feel this way about him. This divorce thing hasn’t moved since it started. I just feel wrong for staying with him. Please tell me what to do. This is a man that tells me he loves me every 5 minutes. He does crazy things for me that let’s me know he loves me, but once all of that is done I think about the fact that he’s still married. I don’t think it’s right for me to love a married man. I keep thinking about the fact that he’s lied to me for all of these years about not being married. It makes me not trust him at all. I’m too much of a good person and a good girlfriend to feel this way. I just think it’s wrong of me to stay with someone else’s husband.

I’m still embarrassed about it so none of my friends or family knows about this. All everyone sees is a very cute and happy couple. I don’t go out much because he doesn’t want me around other guys. So, sometimes I’ll sneak out with my girls, but I start to think, “Why am I sneaking? We aren’t married.” He doesn’t go out because he knows I don’t trust him like that. I used to go out with my girls and he went out with his boys and we would meet up afterwards and go home. He showed me once that he could “F” up a good thing by getting numbers because his boys were doing it, so since then, I didn’t trust him. That was when he was 24 and I was 23 years old.

I was a good girlfriend so that changed me a little. I didn’t trust him since then to let him go out so he trips when I want to go out. Now that we are older, he says he doesn’t want to go out. He feels that clubs are for single people and he doesn’t have the urge to do it. I still want to go out and have fun with my girls SOMETIMES not all the time like I used to. I’m starting to feel like I don’t owe him –ish, so I can do what I want because he’s married and I’m not. Am I wrong?

He’s about to deploy again in September of this year, so I got my apartment back and I’m back and forth between his apartment and mine in ATL because I’m finishing school. I have school two days a week and stay at my place during those days and I’m at his place on my days off or he’s at my place on his days off. So, we pretty much see each other 5 days out of the week. I’m afraid of where I will stand in this relationship once he leaves again. I’m falling out of love and my mind has become more reckless because of my thoughts on me being so faithful and the fact that he’s still married and I think he’s a liar. I’m having trouble with myself because he was my first. I lost my virginity to him and with me feeling like I shouldn’t be so faithful to him. My mind wonders from time to time about other men. I can be faithful, but sometime I wonder why should I be. With the men that approach me daily and I continuously say no, I’m having second thoughts. I’m starting to feel like I need to get out and have that fun that I never had. (Not only sex). My friends make it seem like they are having so much fun doing the things that I can’t since I’m in a committed relationship. Me feeling the way I am is causing me to go crazy. I just need some advice. Should I or should I not stay? I’ve given him lots of time to get this marriage thing situated and I’m working on trusting him again. – Over It And Him

Dear Ms. Over It And Him,

Chile, I swear you wrote this long a** letter only to repeat your damn self every other sentence. Ugh!

Attention folks: Please, if you’re going to write in, just get to the point and don’t write a long a** letter repeating yourselves. It wastes my time, the readers time, and the page space here on Bossip. So, please keep it sweet and to the point. Give us just enough information to get the idea about the situation, a little background, and what your question is. It should be no more than 4 to 5 paragraphs. Short and sweet, people. Just short and sweet.

Now, back to the regularly loving lashings of Terrance Dean’s, “Why You Ask That Dumb A** Question?”

Ma’am, I swear some of you don’t know you’re a** from a hole in the ground. But, err, uhm, if every other line in your letter is, “I don’t trust him. He lied to me. He’s married. I don’t feel comfortable being with a married man.” And, then in the letter you ask me and yourself, “Why should I stay with him, and I don’t owe him anything, and I want to do what I want.” I’m sorry, but you’ve already answered yourself repeatedly over and over and over again in YOUR OWN DAMN LETTER!  LEAVE HIS A**!!!! It’s that damn simple. Geesh!

Girl, you folks don’t read what you write, and then you repeat yourselves over and over in your letters answering your own foolish questions. Look, I know when you’re writing your letters you’re really close to the situation, and you’re pouring out your heart, thus, you’re unable to detach yourself from it and the situation. Therefore, have a friend read your letters after you write it, and if you don’t feel comfortable with a friend reading it, then ask a stranger. Let them read it. I’m sure they will point it out to you, “Damn, heifer, you’ve said the same thing over and over again in your letter. You can delete half your letter, but also, as I’m reading this I see that you’ve answered yourself.”

You say he’s married, and you don’t feel comfortable being with a married man. Well, stop dating a married man. See how easy that is.

You say he lied to you all these years about being married, then on top of it all he asked you to move in and build a relationship on a lie. Well, no relationship can last if it’s built on a lie. And, like you said, you’ll always question everything he says because you will think it’s a lie, and wondering if he’s being honest. Honey, if he lied about being married and let it go on for years even after you questioned him about it, then he will lie to you again and again. Remember, the first time you asked him if he was married and he lied and said he was divorced. The second time you confronted him it was a different lie. How many lies are there? Honey, once a liar, always a liar.

You say you don’t trust him. Well, no trust in a relationship equals no relationship. So, leave!

You say that he doesn’t want you going out because he doesn’t want you around other men. Uhm, sweetie, two things: 1.) A man who tries to isolate you from doing things, and hanging out with your friend, well, he’s controlling and eventually he will abuse you. 2.) He’s afraid of you being around other men, well, that’s the sign of an insecure and jealous man. And, it’s a sign of a man who is guilty of doing the very thing he doesn’t want to happen.

You say you don’t love him any longer, you don’t feel the same for him, and you’re thinking about other men. Well, it’s because he betrayed you and your trust. Once the love is gone, so is the relationship, especially since you’re thinking about other men and considering stepping out. Again, why are you still there?

Lastly, he’s married. Though, he’s filed the papers for divorce, he still has not sent in the papers. What is he waiting on? What’s the delay? If he was so sorry for what he did, how he lied, and he hasn’t seen his wife in five years, then why not expedite the paperwork and get it over with? Oh, yeah, it’s probably because he’s still seeing her. For years he blatantly lied to you to your face, and each time you believed him. That’s your own damn fault when you had the damn proof sitting right there. But, anyway, the fact remains he lied. You don’t trust him. And, he’s married.

HE’S NOT YOUR MAN.  HE BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE. AND, YOU DON’T WANT TO BE THERE. BESIDES, YOU JUST WANT ME TO CONFIRM WHAT YOU SHOULD DO BECAUSE YOU REPEATED IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR LETTER. SO LEAVE! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     

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