Let me begin by saying that I absolutely love you!
I get a thrill from reading your no-nonsense advice! You are truly my best friend in my head!
Anyway, I have been dating this guy for nearly 7 years. He’s funny, smart, and an all around good guy. I have a 10-year old daughter from a previous relationship. After my child’s father and I decided that we couldn’t work as a couple, he basically broke up with the both of us even though he lives less than 5 minutes away! I moved on and started dating a guy I knew from high school 2 years after we broke up.
He has been extremely active in my daughter’s life. He attends her dance recitals, honors programs, and every one of her softball games. He does the father/daughter Girl Scout outings. He even took the time to teach her how to shoot a basketball and the game of softball that she absolutely loves. They have an awesome relationship. We discussed marriage and agreed that we needed to live together first. We’ve been living together for the past 5 years.
He has a great job and my family loves him. His family loves me as well. Our sex life was amazing in the beginning. Now, we have sex maybe twice a month which is fine with me because we’re both so busy. And trust, the sex is still the bomb just not as frequent! I’m the Youth Director at my church so that keeps me quite busy and he does shift work. I also have a great job that I’ve had for the last 14 years. Additionally, I have a Master’s Degree in Public Administration. My boyfriend hasn’t quite completed his undergraduate degree yet. During his junior year of college, his mother suddenly passed away. This caused him to flunk out of school. Several years later, he decided to get back in school and finish his degree but this turned out to be disastrous for him because so many of his credits were no good. He basically had to start all over. So, he’s taken a few classes here and there but he has yet to finish.
Over the last couple of years I have been pushing the issue of marriage. I am 32 and he’s 33. We have both expressed on numerous occasions how committed we are to each other. The problem is according to him it’s just not time yet. He wants to do things in his time. I didn’t push the issue of marriage prior to the last 2 or 3 years because so many of our “married” friends were either sneaking and cheating, going through divorces, separated, or married for all the wrong reasons. I was afraid that once we tied the knot, everything would change. Both of our grandmothers are adamant about us getting married right away. They often say, “It’s better to marry than to burn.” I believe that whole heartedly now but he doesn’t.
That brings up another issue. He does not go to church. NEVER! NOT EVER! Granted, he will roll over on a Sunday morning and catch T. D. Jakes or some other well-known minister on television. I’ve always wanted to attend worship services together as a family. I do realize that there are some things that we have to sacrifice in relationships. I do not doubt his love for Christ! Not one bit! He believes in God, this I am certain of, but is it wrong for me to want my man in somebody’s church on Sunday mornings when he’s not working?
Is this something that I have to just accept because we are truly in love, and besides me wanting to get married right now and wanting us to attend church as a family, every other aspect of our relationship is great! We split every household bill 50/50. We also rotate cooking/buying dinner, purchasing household supplies, gassing up both vehicles, getting my daughter to all of her different activities, laundry, chores, etc. (Yes, I do take out the garbage). Is this one of those stereotypical cases of buying the cow when the milk is free? Or is there some deep rooted issue that I am missing? There are times when I feel like the losses he’s suffered (losing his Mom and not being able to finish school) greatly affect his decision on marriage. FYI, him not finishing school is not because of financial reasons. More so because of his unwillingness to accept the fact that he has to start all over and stick with it! I’ve asked him this numerous of times but the answer is always the same, “I love you and we will get married when the time is right.”
My question is when will the time be right? I would like to have at least 2 more kids before I’m 40. Should I hold out for the proposal or cut my losses and start over from scratch even if it means losing my best friend and the only REAL father figure my daughter knows?!?! – MS. PUT A RING ON IT!
Dear Ms. Put A Ring On It,
Welp! You got what you wanted so why are you complaining. You both agreed to live together before you got married, and therein folks lies the problem. This playing house and acting like a family is some bull-ish!
Honey, that man wanted to get a test drive on you and the relationship, yet, got comfortable, and things are working out so why interrupt the groove? He’s getting the benefits of a woman at home, in-house p***y, being a so-called family, splitting the bills, yet, he doesn’t commit to you and marry you. Hmmmmm, you said it best, why buy the cow when the milk is free.
But, I want to point out that you answered your entire letter with this statement: “There are times when I feel like the losses he’s suffered (losing his Mom and not being able to finish school) greatly affect his decision on marriage. FYI, him not finishing school is not because of financial reasons. More so because of his unwillingness to accept the fact that he has to start all over and stick with it!” And, there you have it! He will not commit to anything and stick with it, thus he won’t marry you because it will require a commitment and him sticking with something and seeing it through.
I don’t understand why you would you agree to move in and test drive a relationship? You don’t need to live together to know if you want to get married. Chile, that man just wanted some place to rest his head and someone to split the bills with because his little shift job is not allowing him the opportunity to live the life he really wants to live without being financially strapped each month.
It doesn’t take five years to know if you want to marry someone and it doesn’t take five years to figure out if this is the right time. Uhm, boo boo, take him to the calendar and ask him to point out “The right time.” I dare him to find it on the calendar. Hell, you sit your a** over there waiting on “The right time,” all you want. It doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as “The right time.” Folks always want to use that as an excuse for why they don’t want to do something. They will hold off on doing things and making things happen in their life because, “It’s not the right time.” That is nothing but a code word for procrastination. Get off you’re a** and do something!
Then, on top of it, you’re the Youth Director at your church, and your man is sitting his behind in the house watching televangelists on TV. Bedside Baptist is not a church. How the hell are you able to get up and go to church, but he is unable to make it out of bed? No ma’am. As my grandmother would tell me and my grandfather, “You will not lay up in this house on Sunday morning. You’re getting up and going to church.” But, you don’t say anything because you don’t want to start an argument, or make him uncomfortable. Yet, you will make your own self uncomfortable for the sake of him. You will make yourself angry and mad, and get upset with yourself because you didn’t say anything to him. Get a freaking back bone, lady!
And, ma’am, you’re the Youth Director at your church! You know better. You know that being unequally yoked in your relationship will not work. He is not rooted in the word. So, how could he lead a household? He’s not even getting fed. Hell, he doesn’t even understand his role as a man, so he definitely won’t understand his role as husband. I’m confused why are you putting up with this and writing in. What is the problem??? UGH! I swear you women with all your education, independence, and getting your –ish together will talk a lot of game of what you won’t put up with, but refuse to back it up and have some self-esteem and self-worth.
I’m going to point something out and you let me know what you see: You have a Master’s degree. He hasn’t completed his undergraduate degree. He’s dropped out, and won’t go back. You’ve been on your job for 14 years. He works as a shift person, meaning, he works various shifts and his schedule changes. You volunteer with your church. He doesn’t volunteer. You split the bills and rotate on dining out, and other activities. You have sex twice a month because you say you’re both busy. Uhm, sweetie, what is he busy doing? I’ll wait why you look over these assessments.
He has several issues, and he needs professional counseling. He’s dealing with abandonment issues after the loss of his mother. He can’t commit to anything, i.e. he stopped going to school and hasn’t gone back. You even said so in your letter that he doesn’t finish what he starts. So, again, if he won’t commit to school, and he won’t commit to anything, including you, then why are you waiting on him to put a ring on it? He needs therapy to deal with his issues. He has a lot of unresolved things in his life. And, you are included in it! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!