Dear Bossip: We Met On A Hook-Up Site, But He Never Made Me Feel Wanted Or Needed

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I met a guy a year and a half ago on site STRICTLY for hooking up.

So, we meet and kicked it off.  The first time we had sex he used a toy on me (which he made me pick out from a sex shop), and it was only oral sex. I was like okayyyy. After that first time we started talking on IM every day, and hanging out a lot. He works very close to me so we used to go to lunch once maybe twice a week, going to the movies, trips to the beach, happy hour, dinners, etc. I eventually met pretty much all of his friends and have hung out with everyone on numerous occasions.  He met my friends, hosted parties and gatherings at his house.  The next time we had sex was almost 4 months later and it was anal and I almost had to FORCE him to even do it. In between the times we have sex there was NO intimacy. I mean he would barely put his arm around me.

A girlfriend of mine came across a profile he made on Match. I was like err?  LOL! He is on “the hook up site” and Match!? And, on both profiles he says he is looking for a black woman.

Fast forward to present day, it’s been a year and a half, this person has not kissed me on the lips ONCE, (he has kissed everything else though… including toes). I can count on both hands the amount of times we’ve had sex, majority of the times its anal sex. I only stayed around because he is a very cool, interesting person and by not having sex often we developed an actual friendship bond with each other. He has been there for me on numerous occasions when I needed help. I just don’t get it.

I see him looking at other women of other races. I am a black woman and he is mixed with black and white. I see him staring at Spanish/Asian girls almost every time we go somewhere tripping over himself even to look at them. So, I am just really confused. I asked him straight up what he wanted from me, what he wanted out of this “thing” of ours. If we are going to be “FB”’s then we need to be having sex, if not then we need to just be plutonic friends. He will NEVER give me a straight answer, but at the same time he won’t accept us being “plutonic” friends. I’ve mentioned it 3 times and every time I mention it he all of a sudden wants to have sex with me!?!?

He just dusts it off and tells me I’m crazy and that he is VERY sexually attracted to me! And, gives all kinds of excuses. I don’t buy it. He is 41-years old and I did some research on erectile dysfunction where guys over 40 lose their sex drive and aren’t very intimate with their partners and it causes rifts in the relationships. This year, 2012, we have had sex 1 time, anal of course. So, I pretty much had to wipe my hands of this situation. I told him it was really eating me up inside and that I couldn’t continue to have this “relationship” with him. It was breaking me down as a female, and as much as I like him I couldn’t do it to myself anymore I need for my man to make me feel wanted.

I’ve deleted him from my phone and contacts etc. I CAN’T. I talked to a girlfriend of mine and she said have you heard of a “Beard?” I was like no, so she proceeded to tell me that a beard is a male or a female that is used (knowingly or unknowingly) by a gay person to fool his friends and family into thinking they are straight.  I have LOTS of male gay friends and he does not “act gay” in ANY way shape or form but it could be a guise. I just wanted your opinion on this guy, what do you think? – Ms Confused

Dear Ms. Confused,

Chile, some of y’all truly don’t read your own letters, or even have a damn clue about the simplest of things. You make things so complicated when in actuality they are quite simple. SMDH!

Ma’am, why are you confused?! Really! Really? You are confused by meeting a man on a “Hook Up” site, and because he only wanted to “Hook Up” and get his freaky kinky kicks off you’re upset that he didn’t want to be in a relationship you? SMDH!

If you meet someone on a site that is strictly for the purposes of HOOKING UP, then I don’t understand why you are trying to make it more than a Hook Up. Do you not understand the purposes of the site? Do you not understand the dynamics of casual sex and meeting people from said sites who may have specific fetishes, desires, and needs? Perhaps that’s his thing. He’s probably into anal, using sex toys on women, performing oral, and sucking toes. Or, maybe it was his thing with you! BOOM! BAM! POW!

Did you even bother to ask him what he’s into? Or, after seeing his picture, and how handsome he was, you figured you wanted to have sex with him without bothering to find out if he had any specific fetishes?

See, where you went wrong is that you started hanging out with him, getting to know him, going to dinner, movies, lunch, and letting him meet your friends, and you meeting his friends. You crossed the line of “FB” and “Hook Up.” That’s a no-no. A true taboo. If you are a FB, or Hook Up, or Jump Off you do not cross the line of sexual relationship in getting to know the other person. You will confuse the sex with like. You confuse the sex with love. And, the other person will only ever see you as a FB, Hook Up, and Jump Off.

But, you hit the nail on the head when in your letter you stated, “It was breaking me down as a female, and as much as I like him I couldn’t do it to myself anymore. I need for my man to make me feel wanted.” You began to like him, and you needed for a man to make you feel wanted. Therein lies the problem. HE WAS NEVER YOUR MAN! Duh!!!!  And, he liked you, but only for his purposes and to fulfill his sexual fetishes and desires. You liked him and wanted a relationship. You both wanted two different things. It will also explain why he never kissed you or put his arms around you and showed any type of intimacy. YOU WERE A JUMP OFF, and didn’t stay in your lane. If you wanted a relationship and to feel wanted and needed then you should have been on Match instead of being on a Hook Up site.

Yes, he may be on Match, and looking for women, but you didn’t meet him on Match. So, in his head he had already put you in a category based on where he met you. You are a jump-off. You are not a woman he will consider dating seriously because of where he met you.

And, here’s another clue, well, it’s not a clue, but something he said so poignant. But, like most women you don’t listen and want what you want despite someone telling you something and you refuse to listen. You wrote that he said, “He tells me that I’m crazy and that he is VERY sexually attracted to me!” HELL-FREAKING-LO!!!! He is very sexually attracted to you. He didn’t say he wanted a relationship with you. He didn’t say he was attracted to your personality, mind, intelligence, or anything else about you. He said he was sexually attracted to you. Let me spell it out for you: He is S-E-X-U-A-L-L-Y attracted to you. And, let me make this plain and clear for all of you out there: A MAN WHO IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU DOES NOT MEAN HE WANTS A SERIOUS COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. IT DOES NOT MEAN HE LOVES YOU. IT MEANS HE IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU AND WANTS ONLY SEX WITH YOU!!!!

Ma’am, please get off my computer and go fix your wig. He keeps you at bay and at arm’s length because you’re the type to get clingy and want a man to commit to you after sex. Therefore, he has kept you just where he wanted you, as a simple jump-off. And, notice in your letter you said, “He will NEVER give me a straight answer, but at the same time he won’t accept us being “platonic” friends. I’ve mentioned it 3 times and every time I mention it he all of a sudden wants to have sex with me!?!?” Your relationship is what it is. It’s not going to be anything more. He’s not going to give you what you want, which is a man to make you feel needed. So, stop stressing over what happened, stressing over him, and stop trying to figure out why he didn’t give you what you wanted. Because, Ms. Honey, if you wanted a serious committed and monogamous relationship then you wouldn’t be looking for a man on a Hook Up site to give you that. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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