I would like to thank you first of all for being so real and for not being afraid to be yourself.
I honor what you are doing and wish I had to strength to do it also.
I’m a 21-year old female and I have been bisexual for as long as I can remember. It’s a struggle living on the low and not wanting to tell anyone because I feel so ashamed. I do have lesbian friends and we go out and I can really be myself, but having to keep all of my feelings locked up and having to lie is really becoming stressful.
I have been in relationships with women before and I must say, during those short times it did last, I have never felt so good about myself, and so in love with any other person. When I was with a woman I wanted to tell my family, and the world, about this wonderful person I had met and fell in love with, but I could not. I couldn’t find the strength to do it. Since my last relationship with a woman I’ve found a man, (“The man”), I think, I would like to spend the rest of my life with. He is not like the other men I have dated. He is so different from what I used to deal with, and I love him so much. He pleases me in every way except for one, and that is sexually.
You see, when we make love, I’m thinking of making love to FEMALES. When he’s away and I need to “get one off,” LOL, I think of females. I constantly think about the times I spent with them. I love this man and I never want to hurt him, but I’m so scared to tell him about my true desires. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him or that he doesn’t satisfy me, but the truth, Gay Best Friend, is that the urges I have for females, along with the want, desire, and passion that I hold towards women is becoming greater every day.
I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I mean, maybe, it’s because I’m so young and I keep telling myself I’m being greedy, and I can’t have both, and I keep hoping that one day the answer will just fall out of the sky. I doubt it, but, still every day I hope.
I have so much on my plate, and me being a down low female is not making things easier. So, if you can guide me in any way, be it a book, website, poem, or anything I would appreciate it GREATLY. Thanks in advance for the advice, and for being so uplifting, and for making a way for those like you and myself. – Young and Struggling
Dear Ms. Young and Struggling,
You’re hoping the answer will fall from the sky, well, POOF!
First, I want to thank you for sending your question. That, in and of itself, was very brave. It shows your strength and courage to find truth and answers.
You have to do what makes you happy in your heart and your life. It’s obvious you prefer woman, and it’s an inner turmoil because you want to please not only yourself, but those you love. So, you are continuing to date men, and lo and behold, you find a man you really enjoy being with. Ain’t that something? However, when you are having sex with him you are thinking of women. When he is away you are thinking of women. Well, honey, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. And, girl, you are a lesbian.
I hope you didn’t think I was going to let you off the hook. Let me get comfortable. If you are deceiving others, that is not good. The man you are involved with has a right to know. If you don’t disclose your feelings, and he finds out, it will not be pretty. Besides, you are not allowing him any say in the relationship. You are taking that away from him and it’s not fair. What if he chooses to be with you after you tell him your true desires? Then what? Just as I thought, you’re stuck, huh?
You stated perhaps you were being greedy. That is very selfish. Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it too. Imagine if someone did the same to you. Imagine if you discovered he was cheating on you. You would feel betrayed. You would be upset. And, you probably wouldn’t think he was “the man” for you.
Girl, I understand it’s difficult, and you are struggling within yourself because you don’t want to disappoint your family and friends. You want to make them happy. We all want to please our family and friends because those are the people we love, and they love us. But, what about you? Are you doing what makes you happy? Are you loving yourself? And, who are you living for?
Let me tell you something, and it may take some time, hours, days, months, hell, even years before you get it, but first you’ve got to accept and love yourself. If you love you for who you are and not beat up yourself because of your sexuality, then others will love and accept you. Second, DON’T GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU. If they are your friends, your true friends, then they will stick by you and love you just the same because you are still the same lovable laughable personable good friend. Your family will still love you. They will support you and embrace you like they did before. If your friends don’t stick around, then guess what? They were never your true friends from the beginning. True friends will be there regardless.
One thing I’ve learned in my long journey and process of accepting me, was loving myself, and being happy with me. I’ve learned you can’t please everybody. Nope. You sure can’t. So, stop trying. And you know who taught me that valuable lesson? My grandmother and aunt. They told me, “Boy, folks hated on Jesus. Look at how they persecuted him for what he did for others. Look how they talked about him. What makes you think folks won’t do it to you.” Ever since then I walked to the beat of my own drum. Well, that which God is drumming.
So, Ms. Young and Struggling I am saying to you, “Love you! Damn it.” Stop trying to please everybody. Girl, you are going to run yourself ragged trying to make everyone around you happy. Besides, who’s to say that this guy can’t be a good friend to you? Sit down with him lovingly and tell him your feelings. Explain to him what you’re going through. You stated he is different from all the other guys you have dated, so hopefully he really is, and if he loves you, he will understand.
And, thank goodness we are in a new day and age where there is a plethora of information for people who are struggling with their sexuality. You can read any of E. Lynn Harris’s books. His books changed the landscape for many men and women who were unaware of down low men and women in this world. You should also check out author, Laurinda Brown. She is a phenomenal and fabulous lesbian writer. And, I am certain there is a Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender (LGBT) Center in your area. Many have counselors who will speak with you over the phone, and you can remain anonymous until you are comfortable to share more information.
Honey, you are not alone. There are more people in the world like you than you know. You’ve made one courageous step, now take another! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!