I enjoy the advice that you give in letters, so I am coming to you with my issue.
I was with a man for a year and a half. This man was an ex-con who was honest with me about it up front. I believe people can change and in giving them a chance, so we began dating. He was such a gentleman. He didn’t even kiss me or try to have sexual relations with me until I was ready. I had never met a more thoughtful, caring man in my life.
About 3 months into our relationship some anger issues began to show. This man had been wronged by his own family for so long, he could not bring himself to forgive, and the anger, hurt, and distrust started bleeding into our relationship. I believed he could change, so I stayed. Over time, the angry outbursts and arguing got further and further apart, but they were more intense.
Now I must explain the background. We had an arrangement that (since it was so difficult for him to get a job) he would stay home and care for my son while I worked and paid the bills.
I was struggling when we met, but I made it work. Now, things have changed and my income is 3 times what I was making when we met. He grew madly in love with my son and since there was no father present he wanted to be his father. He has been a father to my son since 3 months of age.
The last outburst he had (2 weeks before we were going to get married) ended with him breaking anything of value in my home and emptying our joint bank account. It was joint, but the money in it I had worked for.
Now, I can’t help but think that he knew my reaction would be to never let him near my family again. After showing disregard to my children by emptying the account, leaving us with nothing, breaking our things, and glass on the floor with a toddler in the home.
He surprised me and actually had the nerve to call (he calls from different numbers and I immediately hang up on him, but he left a voicemail once when I didn’t answer). His voicemail was asking what was going to happen with him and my son. I can’t help but feel that he forfeited any right to give a damn after trying to leave us all with nothing. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I feel like at the toddler age, my son can forget about my ex and move on.
I also feel like he might use my son to manipulate me in some sort of way and I don’t want to put myself, or my son in that situation. However, I feel my feelings aren’t the most important thing, and want what’s best for my son. Please enlighten me with your wonderful advice. – Broke, But Not Broken
Dear Ms. Broke, But Not Broken,
Well, hot damn! I’m glad you put that S.O.B. out of your house! The hell is wrong with him. See, this is why I keep telling you all the importance of listening and paying attention to when people tell you who they are, and they show you who they are.
But, before I move on I want you to notice how you signed your letter, “Broke But Not Broken.” Just like he broke everything in your house (the manifestation of how you feel about yourself), you brought him and this madness into your life. You put that energy into the universe and attracted him to you. And, I’m sorry Miss Thang, but two broke people does not make a whole. It only makes two broke people.
Now, let’s do a quick recap here: 1.) His anger issues and problems he has with his family. I know you were trying to be the good girlfriend and be supportive of him, and think that he could change. But, err, uhm, anger issues are to be handled by a professional. All you girlfriends, and wives out there dealing with men who have anger issues there is nothing you can do for them. They should seek professional help because one day, if they haven’t already, they will take their anger out on you, and instead of smashing things, and punching holes in the walls you will be their punching bag. I hope you learned a lesson from this.
2.) The hell is wrong with your a** setting up a joint bank account with a man who doesn’t work!?!? What the hell! How is it a joint account if he can’t deposit into it, but only withdraw? Ma’am, he was a customer at your bank, the bank of “Superwoman Financial Institution.” And, you gave him an ATM card to withdraw money as he pleases. SMDH! Thirsty women will do thirsty things.
3.) The relationship he developed with your son is cute. But, don’t move a man into your home, a man you barely know, and leave him with your children. Nor, do you keep a man in your home with your children once he displays signs of anger and lashing out. PUT HIM OUT IMMEDIATELY!!! D**k over kids is not an option!! And, that’s really nice and all, that he feels close with your son, but after he showed out and broke all the valuable things in your house, withdrew money from your account, and left you and your children with nothing you should have let him stay just one more night. Just one more night. While he was sleeping you should have boiled some grits in that big black pot….and I’m sure you would have known what to do next!
4.) He’s calling you asking what’s going to happen between him and your son. The operative word is “YOUR” son. He stepped in to be a father figure, but is his behavior what you want your son to learn from him? Don’t let your emotions get the best of you, and stop trying to think for your small child, who will probably forget about him in a few months. That man is a danger to you and your son. KEEP YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM HIM! Did you see the move, “For Colored Girls?” Yeah, your man with his psychological problems will get mad at you one day, and the next thing you know he will have your son dangling from the window because you got him upset. DON’T BE A FOOL! You were already the fool once. Don’t be the fool twice!
I’m wrapping this up because this is a non-MF’ing issue since you’ve already put him out, ended the relationship, and stopped answering his calls. He is an ex-con with no job and anger issues. Even if he got a job what will happen when someone pisses him off at work, or he gets upset with his boss or co-worker? Will he act out and trash his place of employment? Will he threaten his boss and co-workers with bodily harm? Girl, you don’t have time for this man and his foolishness. Keep it moving. Don’t be his door mat, or let him use your son as bait. It’s time that you become whole, and recognize that you are no longer broken. Stop trying to piece him into your life. HE DOESN’T FIT! Be wiser and smarter. Seek therapy for yourself to resolve whatever issues you’re dealing with that make you feel “Broken But Not Broken.” Until you let go of this defeatist attitude you will keep attracting other broke people in your life. It’s time to change your language, so then you can change your life and situation. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!