Hey Terrance Dean, I’m a big fan of your work on Bossip and I’m desperate for advice from someone outside of my family and friends.
I’ve gotten myself into a pickle. It began when I started seeing a guy that plays for a semi-pro basketball team. He’s from another city and we met through a dating website. From the jump we hit it off and began being intimate. The only issue was that he was in a serious relationship with his long-time girlfriend. He told me about how much he didn’t want to be with her and how he felt trapped, and how good it made him feel to make love to me. This has been going on for the last 7 years, and to this day he is still with his girlfriend.
He told me that regardless of what happens that he doesn’t want her to suffer and be heart-broken because of his choices. Basically, in the last couple of years I’ve found out that he was sleeping with other women too, not only in his city, but in the cities he travels to when he plays basketball. Even though we never made our relationship official, I fell hard for him, and it makes me jealous knowing that he still continues to sleep with other women.
Alright, so here is my predicament … I’m pregnant! I’m only a few weeks now, but I don’t know if the best choice would be to keep it. As soon as I told him I was pregnant he became distant and didn’t want to discuss it. I care about him a lot and I don’t want what we have to be tarnished because I brought a baby into this world that he doesn’t want. Please Help! – In A Baby Bind
Dear Ms. In A Baby Bind,
Chile, this is when chicken heads come home to roost! I swear! Y’all been watching Basketball Wives too much. That -ish is not real, and honey, you are not about that life!
And, thank you for being a fan of my work, but you know I’m going to break you off a little something something.
Mistake #1 – Sleeping with a man whom you met on a dating website and he lives in another city. A big no-no! You don’t know his sexual history, sexual habits, or his sexual health status, yet, you are letting him run up in you raw dawg. Chile, this is beyond community d**k, this is internet d**k. Y’all gone learn about spreading your legs for random men on the internet and you don’t know anything about them.
Mistake #2 – He told you he had a long-time girlfriend, yet, you continue sleeping with him. Why, ma’am? And, then he told you that he didn’t want to be with her, and felt trapped, and that he enjoyed making love to you. Really? Really! You fell for that? Dumba**! And, on top of it all he is still with her after 7 years, though he feels trapped. SMDH! What game do these men say to you women to get you that wide open? Your self-esteem is that low that you lower your standards and stoop so low to sleep with another woman’s man and think you’re getting over on her? He’s trifling, and you’re just as trifling for creeping with him, and being a secret. Why be a lie, live a lie, and stay a lie? That’s all you’ll ever be.
Mistake #3 – He plays for a semi-pro basketball team. Ma’am, and all you ladies out there, let me tell you this, dating a man who plays any type of sport, semi-pro, professionally, or random street ball, and he is traveling from city to city and state to state for his games, uhm, just as he met you on a groupie, jump-off, and side chick tip from the internet, or in the bar, he has met other random women in the same manner. You are not the first, nor will you be the last. You are not special. You are just new p***y. Until he gets tired of you, he will keep you around as his chick to hit up when he is in town, and then he will meet another random jump-off who will replace you as his new p***y. But, you enjoy the role you’re in because you’ve been doing for a number of years, which means you don’t require much, and you’re just a basic bish.
Mistake #4 – You’re pregnant by him, and you’re going to sit up here and say, “I care about him a lot and I don’t want what we have to be tarnished because I brought a baby into this world that he doesn’t want.” SMDH! You need some damn help! Some professional help. You’re more concerned about him and tarnishing the relationship rather than the unborn child you are carrying. WOW! Let’s be clear, you don’t have a relationship. He is not your man. You even said so in your letter. So, if he is not your man, then how can you be concerned about tarnishing a relationship? How can you be concerned for a man who is not even concerned about you? Oh, Ms. Donkey-Of-The-Day, I hope you don’t think he is thinking of your well-being and your health as he sleeps with other random women in his city, and as he travels, as well as his girlfriend, and then comes to lay up in you RAW! That is concern? That is consideration? That is love? Girl, you must be the neighborhood bird.
I want to you to know this: You are not the first girl he’s gotten pregnant. And, you won’t be the last. You are also not the first girl he became distant with and didn’t want to discuss the pregnancy with. That is his game. He runs every time he is confronted with the reality of his actions, and he can’t handle the responsibility, thus, he leaves the decision up to the woman, making you feel guilty for getting pregnant and trapping him. I’m curious to know this, but, do you know how many other children he has? Do you know how many other women are currently pregnant by him? Do you know how many other women who have gotten pregnant by him and considered what you are considering doing? Yeah, you’re a bird.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you have to consider this life-long choice. If you keep the baby, just know that the dynamics of your relationship will forever change. He will remain distant, and out of your child’s life. He will resent you, probably keep running, and you’ll only hear from him randomly. Or, perhaps, he’ll keep you around as his jump off, and keep running up in you RAW, along with other women, and you’ll probably get pregnant again. He’s not going to leave his girlfriend. Sorry, but that is the reality. He is not, never, ever going to be your man. And, if don’t keep the baby, again, the dynamics of your relationship have already changed. He is blaming you for this situation. He is blaming you for trying to trap him. He is an a**hole, and a bigger donkey. He needs to have his nuts clipped. He is not a man. He is not mature, and he is not capable of being trusted or being “concerned” about.
Find yourself a group of nurturing women who can support you and lift you up. You need to be in a space of self-love and self-worth. Ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to put up with someone elses man for this long, and continue to be his lie, live a lie, and be a lie? Are you a lie? Are you a secret? Once you recognize your power, you will recognize your truth. Live in honesty. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!