Dear Bossip: I Messed Up & Treated Her Badly, But I’m Changing & Want Another Chance

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

This is my first time ever coming to someone about this situation.

By reading some of your other messages on Bossip, I feel that you aren’t biased and that is was I need because I’m soooo lost right now.

Ok, me and my girl have been together for 4 years. This is an interracial relationship. She is white and I am black. She is 33-years old and I am 29-years old. This girl has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean everything; ranging from my crazy baby momma keying her car, to me cheating too many times to count, which is the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

A little of my background: I have never been faithful to anybody, never in life. I have only had maybe like 3 or 4 girls that I could even say I have cared about.  This is no excuse, but I simply don’t know how not to flirt. I had the mindset that I could be with any girl I wanted, which in all honestly has been mostly true, not saying that I’m God’s gift to women or anything, I just never had a problem getting the one I wanted or getting what I wanted.

Back to the topic at hand, I have taken my girl for granted for tooo long. Actually, I am surprised she has stayed around this long. She has caught me numerous times. Once, she set up a fake Facebook account with fake pictures and everything. She acted like some girl trying to holla and I fell for it. I did claim her as my girl, but showed her absolutely no respect on the matter.  She has caught me walking a girl upstairs to my apartment, and the cell phone is its own story in itself.  Yet, through all this she has stuck by my side and never left.  The cheating wasn’t the only problem though. I’m not a woman beater or anything, but we would get into fights sometimes, fist fights, but mostly just arguing about my “F” ups. Then, I would get mad, pull her by the hair, then leave her house or kick her out of mine. Like I said, honestly I don’t know why she has stayed around so long.

We have had like week-long break ups and stuff like that, but most of that was me not wanting to be with her. I don’t know what my logic was. I know I have been stupid, selfish, and very immature, but I have never stopped loving her and actually her staying around has made me love her more, and even though it seems like it took forever I only want to be with her.

So, like 10 months ago, which isn’t that long ago, I decided that I wouldn’t cheat on her anymore, which actually has been going very well for me. Our relationship seemed to be getting better. We have had maybe 1 or 2 big fights in the last 10 months, but nothing related to cheating, but that’s because we stopped disrespecting each other with our talks and actions. But, it has gotten better. We are madly in love. The problem is that she knows exactly what she wants but I still got some growing up to do.

So, the relationship has been the best it has ever been for some time because I started communicating more, taking her out, and I stopped cheating. But, I still had a flirting problem and I still need to show her more respect in every aspect. Like three months ago, I came into a financial problem and after everything I was trying to do failed, I asked her if we could move in together.  Now, before you start thinking I am a moocher or something, I have always had a job and have never batted an eye at doing whatever I could for her or her child whenever I could. I think that’s how she knows when I’m doing something wrong because that is like the only time that I get distant.

But, anyway, she said I could move in. I didn’t really want to but it was the only choice I had to make ends meet.  So, the weekend comes when I am moving in.  She goes out of town with some of her friends.  I get everything moved with no problem. But, I had spent just about all my spending money.  I do odd jobs on the side to make extra money.  I needed some money, so I had some computers that I had fixed for some people and I decided to return the computers to the people so I could have some money. The only problem was that I took this one female her computer real late that Friday night, which was an idiot move, but in all honestly all I wanted was the money. The girl that I took the merchandise to already knows about my girl and knows I love my girl. She even encourages me to be faithful and honest and tells me not to hurt my girl.  Me and her are good friends, but my girlfriend doesn’t trust me around her because we used to have sex like 8 years ago.

So, I go over there, my girlfriend was out of town. I should have told my girlfriend what I was doing, but I thought I would be in and out, no harm done.  All we did was talk, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t even see this girl as someone I would have sex with anymore. She is just a friend, but my girlfriend is insecure with me around any girl and I don’t blame her. While I was over there my girl called. I didn’t answer the phone, which was another idiot move. But, I thought it was best because I didn’t want to upset her because I knew that nothing was going to happen, and it didn’t.

So, that night my girlfriend had one of her friends ride by our house and I wasn’t there. I called my girl back a little while after I left and told her I was busy moving the last of my things. This wasn’t a lie, it just wasn’t the whole truth.  When my girlfriend got back from out of town she went through my phone and found some texts and a call log that showed I had went to the other girl’s house. I tried lying to her about it, but that only pissed her off more. We stayed together after that, but this is where things got very sour.

From that moment on it was like my girl just wants to fight with me. It’s like she wants to push me away. I have a temper and we got into one bad fight. I have kicked a whole in the wall, but I fixed it. And, one day, I was looking for a quick way to make some money, so I was looking to sell something that I wasn’t using. I was putting it in my car and she decides that she wants to start fussing. She closes the garage door, I forced it open and messed it up. But, me and one of her friends fixed it, and at the time I didn’t know dude was trying to get her, though. I almost forgot while all this was going on.

We hadn’t had sex in like a week or two, and I still had not cheated, so I was very proud of myself. So, from then on out she would come home late or not come home at all, or just leave in the middle of the night or whatever. I still have been faithful through all this, but a time came when I was like, “Look, I know you don’t want me anymore, so let me stay in the guest room for a little while so I can save some money, then I will be out off your hair.” After that we had a talk, she said that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that she has no trust in me and I understand this. So, we broke up. We still live together and sleep together most nights. She even gave me some the other day which was great!!!!

I have been trying everything I can think of to get her trust back. Like I said, we still live together and sleep together some most nights. We still call each other pet names and tell each other I love you. I have been trying to do everything to make her happy. I want to be her husband. I want to be faithful. I truly love this girl and want to be with only her and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. I just don’t know what to do because I have never felt like this before. She says if you love something you have to be able to let it go, but I don’t want to let her go. When I moved in with her I knew what I wanted, and I want our family. I just don’t know how to get it back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. – Want Her Back

Dear Mr. Want Her Back,

I love these conversion stories where folks are in relationships doing dirt, dogging their mates, freaking everybody but them, cheating, and lying, and then you have this aha moment and think that they’re supposed to forget everything you did and be happy you turned your life around and act like nothing you ever did mattered. Get the freak out of here!

And, Whoop-to-MF’ing-do! You feel bad for treating her horribly for four years, and now you want to be the man she’s been hoping you’d had been from day one. Whoop-toMF’ing-do! You want to be a family now after she’s bent over backwards, stood by your side, fought for the relationship after she’s caught you cheating time and time again, and now you don’t want to cheat anymore and be Mr. Faithful-Who-Loves-To-Flirt.

Let’s get something straight right now. And, you need to start being honest with yourself. YOU ARE A LIAR. Say it to yourself. Admit it to yourself. YOU ARE A LIAR. That’s it. That’s the plain truth. You can’t be trusted. You went to another woman’s house on a Friday night because you wanted to get some money because of your bleak financial situation (That’s whole other issue right there). This is a woman you had sexual relations with in the past, and you claim you’re good friends. Chile, please miss me with that bull-ish. You are not good friends, as you experienced that night. She is old p***y that is on reserve. That is all she is. But, when your girl called you that night you ignored her call, and decided to call her back later. WHY? If you weren’t doing anything, and you were simply there to get some money, then why lie to your woman about the truth? Oh  yeah, it’s because you’re a liar and you felt guilty.

Why didn’t you think to call your woman in advance, or while you were in en route and explain to her what you were doing and where you were going? Why couldn’t you wait until Saturday morning or afternoon to go to her house? Why didn’t you arrange to meet her in a mutual location instead of going to her house? It’s because you don’t think. You just do, and think about the consequences later. And, as a result you keep lying on top of the lie you told. SMDH! You are definitely not the brightest. And, this is obvious.

But, know this, your past is indicative of your present and future. For four years you took this woman through it all, and you expect her to forget everything because you’ve been on your best behavior for the past 10 months. Really? Really! You’s a do-do brain. Ole doofas a**!

And, I don’t care what you’re arguing about and how intense it gets, YOU DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN! Don’t grab her hair, shove her, mush her in the face, or pick her up to move her out of your way. YOU JUST WALK AWAY! LEAVE! GO AND SIMMER DOWN AND LET THINGS CALM DOWN. But, don’t put your hands on her.

Now, let’s address the fact that you moved in with her to save money because you couldn’t live financially on your own. That is the only truth you have. You didn’t move in with her because you loved her, or because you wanted to be a family. You wanted to save money. And, the sad part is that you still have not saved any money because you’re still trying to hustle money. So, what’s the underlying issue you have? Oh, yes, you’re a liar and cheater. Thus, this issue will play out in all aspects of your life: financially, mentally, emotionally, physically. When you’re real and honest with yourself, all those things will fall into place. But, ask yourself, “Why do I lie? What am I getting out of lying? What will this lie accomplish and am I ready for the consequences behind the lie? And, how has lying served me over the years? Look what lying has gotten me.”

By the way, this whole relationship is all about YOU. Re-read your letter and hopefully you will see this. YOU cheated on her for four years. YOU moved in with her because YOU wanted to save money. YOU lied to her. YOU did what you wanted to do, and now YOU want to act like nothing happened and that she should just get over it. Sorry, but if you want to get her back, and be a family, then start acting like a man. Start being proactive in the relationship, and give her everything she deserves. Make her feel loved. Make her feel desired, wanted, and needed. Buy her flowers. Take her out. Cook dinner. Treat her like a queen. And, instead of playing house, and you want to be a family, then get married. Be that man, and she will be that woman! But, you’ve got to make the necessary steps and strides to making her feel that she can trust you. And, it’s going to take some time, but you’ve got to earn that. You want her back, then grow the hell up, stop lying (be honest even if you feel a lie would be easier to tell, don’t do it. Tell the truth), and start working on earning her trust and love. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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