I’m a 32-year old woman working in corporate America and I’m doing really well for myself.
Ok, I met this guy (let’s call him ‘Andy’) in 2008 through a dating website and we hit it off really well, until I found out through a mutual friend (talk about six degrees of separation), that he was “unhappily” married. I broke it off immediately, despite the fact he said that he was separated and living in another state from his wife. (Thank GOD I didn’t sleep with him). My gut told me to break it off and I did.
He tried calling me, sending me flowers, and showing up at my job unannounced for almost 3 months until he gave up. I moved on with my life and focused on myself. I left the dating websites alone after I kept having one bad date after another.
In late 2010, I leave my company for another company who’s offering me a much better position, better hours, and a very much better salary. But, there’s one problem: I’m going to be Andy’s manager (Can you say awkward?). He’s now seeing this woman at our company who works in a different department. Every time he gets a chance he talks about her to other people around me. I’m not going to lie, it kind of hurt because I do have feelings for him but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing. About 9 months later I start to receive flowers, candy, and jewelry from a secret admirer and I’m sure it’s him because he’s the only person who knows my favorite kind of jewelry and flowers. Plus, the flowers came from the same company he used back in 2008.
He finally admits it’s him and I lied to him and said I had no feelings for him, plus he’s seeing someone else and we work together, so it’s not going to work. I told him if he brings it up again I’ll be forced to let HR know. Let’s just say he stopped everything all together.
About another 6 months later he quits his job and as soon as he quits his job he tries to pursue me yet again. Foolishly, I’ve been accepting his phone calls and text messages. He’s no longer seeing the other woman at my job and admitted to her that he has feelings for me. He also tells me his divorce became final in the middle of 2009, but he’s since had a son by another women (let’s call her ‘Robin’) that he’s not with. We start seeing each other again and I’m having the time of my life. He takes me everywhere. He’s very attentive and he never once pressured me for sex. He introduced me to everyone in his family, including his adorable son who I absolutely love. I feel he’s the man of my dreams.
I decided to take the relationship to another level by getting physical with him and I’m not going to lie, the sex is absolutely phenomenal. Just as soon as our relationship is doing well I get a call from Robin and she tells me she’s 8 months pregnant with his child. I’m upset, but at this point in time we’ve only been seeing each other for 7 months, so it’s not like he’s cheated on me (at least not that I know of).
I confronted Andy about it and he admitted to me that he knew all along she was pregnant, but was too scared to tell me in the beginning because he knew I wouldn’t want to be with him. Robin admitted that their relationship is non-existence and that Andy has never slept with her during my relationship with him. She only called me because Andy was taking too long to tell me he was having another baby. I’ve met Robin 5 times, and all 5 times we have been very cordial even though she’s admitted to me she still has feelings for Andy.
Andy has since proposed to me, but I didn’t give him an answer because I’m not sure if he proposed to me because he thinks I’m going to leave him. I think it’s way too soon for marriage considering we’ve only been dating for almost 8 months. He’s assured me he has no feelings for Robin and their relationship was only a physical one.
I’m not sure if I should stay with him because this is not the first time he’s omitted information of this magnitude from me. I know he loves me and I love him too. My question is should I stay with him or leave well enough alone? – Confused And In Love
Dear Ms. Confused And In Love,
Is there a man shortage? Really? Is there?
Ladies, ladies, ladies – This is what happens when you have sex with a stalker with that bomb penis! He lays it on you and you lose all sense of sensibility because the “phenomenal sex” convolutes your judgment and you misconstrue love with sex.
Ma’am, this man has been stalking you since day one when you initially broke it off four years ago. Didn’t you say that after you broke it off with him, because he lied about his relationship with his WIFE, that he started calling you non-stop, sending flowers, and showing up at your job for three months? Ma’am, that is a stalker. He’s obsessive. And, it happened yet once again when you started working with him and you started receiving these mysterious gifts in the workplace, BY THE SAME MAN you broke it off with before. STALKER!
But, hold up. When you confront him about it, and you warn him about it he stops. Then, he quits, and starts the behavior, yet, again. And, you find this –ish flattering? You think this is cute? You truly are touched in the head. Why don’t you see what’s obvious and blatant? Why are you letting his nut juice damage the little brain cells you have left?
Wait, a minute, let me back the hell up a bit and address these freaking lies. Let’s go ahead and call a spade a spade. He is a liar and he’s been lying to you for the past four years.
1.) Lie number one – When you initially met, on a dating website, he lied about being married. He told you he was separated and that his wife lived in another state. You discover the truth and end it.
2.) Lie number two – You work together and you start receiving mysterious gifts. You confront him, and he finally admits it’s him.
3.) Lie number three – His baby momma, Robin, confronts you and tells you that she is pregnant with his second child. You confront him, and he admits he’s known all along but didn’t tell you because he felt you would leave. And, you’ve been with him for seven months. So, in those seven months he never once thought to tell you the truth? He never once felt it was important to let you know that he was expecting a second child while laying up in you raw? Yeah, you’re having unprotected sex with him because you’re not the brightest in the bunch.
So, now you’re asking me if you should proceed further with him because, in your own words you stated, “This is not the first time he’s omitted information of this magnitude from me.” So, let me ask you this, SMDH. In knowing he’s omitted very important, and key information, do you feel that you should proceed in a long term relationship with him? If he has a propensity to lie, deceive, manipulate, and omit information from you, and he’s done this over the four years of you knowing him, then what makes you think he is going to change now? Mind you, that two of those incidents involved two different women.
Here’s what I want you to do: Ask to see his divorce papers from his wife. Ask Robin if he ever proposed to her, or if he at one time ever promised her that he would marry her. Then, ask yourself, “Why am I dating this man whom initially in my heart of hearts knew that he was not to be trusted? Why am I trusting him when he’s lied not once but several times? Why am I claiming love with a man who has lied to me over and over again? Why am I dating a stalker who has shown the potential to be obsessive? What is it about me that my self-esteem is so low that I’ve allowed myself to be with a man who is divorced, and is expecting a second child with a woman he claims there is nothing between them other than sex?”
You claim you’re a professional career woman, but, yet your common sense clearly is something to be desired. You would actually consider being with a man who has continuously shown you who he is, and you are willing to overlook everything and dive in p***y first because he is blowing your back out? I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, d**k is addictive. It will make you lose your mind and do some asinine –ish just like that which you are doing.
My grandmother told me as a young boy, “Always follow your first mind.” And, it is something I live by, and has never failed me. So, I’m passing it along to you. If your first mind was to end it with him and eliminate him from your life, then FOLLOW YOUR FIRST MIND. There is a reason your instincts, your heart, and your intuition told you to end it and leave him alone. Follow them. Uphold yourself in a respectable and dignified manner. You’re better than this, and him. Why would you knowing put yourself in a situation where Robin has told you that she still has feelings for him, she’s carrying his second child, and she and those children will forever be in his life, and if you’re with him, then they will be in yours too? You don’t have time for baby momma drama. It can get messy, ugly, and stressful. Leave. Get out now. Save yourself, your sanity, and your emotional well-being. And, why would you knowingly be with a man who cannot be honest with you? This is indicative of what you should expect with him moving forward. Nothing is going to change. Trust me. He is not going to change. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!