Dear Bossip: He’s Separated & Wants To Be With Me, But His Family Doesn’t Like Me & His Wife Is Pregnant

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I have been seeing a man, “Calvin,” for about three months.

He is separated and going through a divorce.  He and his wife had been separated for a year and a half before we met, so I am not the reason for the separation. We started off as friends. We had a spiritual connection, but in a few weeks it moved it to a romantic relationship. As the months have passed there are several things that bother me about Calvin. 1.) There is a lot of interference from his family that is a major turn-off. 2.) He doesn’t have a permanent job and works temporary as of now. 3.) He is always ready to eat but he has never bought groceries into my home. 4.) Then to top it off his wife has threatened to hurt me if he has his child around me. She has even said she was afraid I may molest their child. WTF!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, Calvin does not possess all bad qualities. He does have great manners and treats me well. We are together all the time. The problem is I do not see Calvin as being a provider financially or mentally to me in the future.  He tells my family that he loves me and wants to be with me after the divorce is final. But, on the same note when Calvin goes around certain family members of his I can’t go because they do not accept me, and they do not want to meet me until after the divorce. Ironically, they still accept his wife who is currently pregnant. She has told them that there is only a 10% chance that the unborn child may have been fathered by Calvin.

Gay Best Friend, I may already know the answer to the question in my mind, but what should I do?  I know inside that God would not bless me with a married man!  LOL

Thanks in advance – Speak To Me

Dear Speak To Me,

I mean really!?! Really, girl? Ms. Honey, are you serious?

Yeah, I can tell you one thing you said right in your letter is that God will not bless you with a married man. In fact, in the tome of the church scene in The Color Purple where Shug hears the choir singing, ‘God is trying to tell you something.’ And, girl, He is saying THIS IS NOT THE MAN FOR YOU!!!

You said he doesn’t have a permanent job. He works temporarily. He is going through a divorce in which he has been separated from his wife for a year and a half. (Is he really going through the divorce or is that the line he is telling you?) He comes to your house to eat, but he hasn’t bought nor brought any food to your home. His family interferes in his relationship with you, along with his soon-to-be ex-wife (Girl, he is married!), and she has threatened you and has said she fears you may molest her child.

Wait a minute! Hold up! Before I go any further you said you had a spiritual connection with this man. Girl, come on now. Are you serious? You’re kidding me with that line. A spiritual connection that moved into a romantic relationship? All the drama this man has going on. His house is out of order and he is definitely spiritually unbalanced. Yet, you think you have a spiritual connection with him. Uhm, no, sweetie, you don’t. You know the biblical scripture: “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces” Let me tell you something. That is exactly what they are doing to you. You have given away what is sacred to you and they are trampling them under their feet and have turned against you. You are so blind and caught up in trying to be this man’s savior you don’t recognize the negative impact it is having on your own life.

I hope you are not wearing a lacefront wig because I am about to snatch it off.  Now, let’s reassess this. Why do you want to be with someone whose own family doesn’t want you around? Why are you inviting his drama and messy divorce into your life? You don’t deserve it. You don’t need it. God will not and has not brought this into your life. YOU have invited this into your life. Ask yourself why? Why are you so desperate to have a man in your life that you will put up with all this madness? Girl, no man, especially one who is still married, is worth it.

Then, Calvin, is in between jobs. He is currently working temporarily. Yes, I understand times are hard, and jobs are scarce, and at least he is working, but as you stated in your letter, “How can he provide for you mentally and financially?” Girl, his whole life is in transition. Everything in his life is temporary, including you. And, then, when he comes to sleep with you, because you allow it, he doesn’t even bring food to your house. He is eating up your food.

I remember when I was younger and I stayed out all night and then came home the next day and would go into my grandmother’s kitchen. She would say to me, “You better get out of my kitchen looking for food. Wherever you were last night that is where you should have eaten.” Don’t let anyone, and I mean no one, come into your house and lay-up and not contribute to the household. He is a grown a** man. So, you need to tell him to give you some money towards groceries, or bring some food with him, and if he can’t then like my grandmother said, “You eat where you sleep.”

Let’s not forget, Ms. Speak To Me, that Calvin is still married. Yes, you are sleeping with a married man. I don’t care how long he’s been separated from his wife. He is married. LET HIM GO! If he really wants to get himself together and if you really feel he is your spiritual soul mate, then tell him, “Finalize your divorce. Stop dragging your feet. Get a permanent job. And, we are going to start going to church together, and you are going to get your spiritual house in order.” But, keep in mind, his estranged wife, the one who threatened you and said she thinks you will molest her child, will always be in your life because they have children together. So, is that something you want to deal with for at least another decade? Uhm, NOT!!!

Look, Ms. Speak To Me, you need to revisit your spiritual values and know your spiritual worth and self worth. This man is up in your ear and telling your family he is going to marry you once his divorce is final with his wife. Girl, please! You’re the woman of the moment. His shoulder to lean on. His crutch. And, don’t believe for one moment he is going to marry you. Because if he ever does gets a divorce, and don’t think he won’t return to his wife and he tells you they have worked things out, he will dump you and find another woman who will be naïve enough to care for  him and deal with all his drama!

But, wait a minute, girl. His wife, who is pregnant, has said there is a 10% chance that the child she is carrying is Calvin’s! I just fell off the chair laughing. So, let’s do the math. That means there are 9 other men who could be the father.

Like Erykah Badu sang. It’s time to tell Calvin, “You better call Tyrone. And tell him to come on and help you get you -ish!” – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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