I have been with my baby daddy on and off for 6 years.
He is a great man. He treats me and his kids great, but his cheating is the reason we are on and off. I love him to death. He is the father of my children, and from time to time we fight. Yes, he puts his hands on me. I know that he loves me and he doesn’t mean to. I provoke him to do those things. I can deal with the fighting, but the cheating, not coming home and not answering the phone when I call at 4:00 am or 5:00 am, I CANNOT DO.
I left and was gone for about 3 months. One day I went over to pick the kids up (yes his car had gotten repossessed), and my oldest opened the door for me and told me their dad was in his room. So, I went to the back, and opened the door to find him and my FIRST cousin in the bed. TOGETHER! I must have lunged at her full speed and dragged her into the restroom. I beat the -ish out of her there. So bad that she had to be taken by ambulance. I got my kids and left. A few more months down the line, needless to say, I went right back to him.
After we got back together I found out I was pregnant again and he made me have an abortion. I started getting depressed. Then I found out that he was back sleeping with my family member again. AND SHE HAD THE BABY!!! But, I love him so much I can’t let him go! He’s even asked to marry me! I said yes, but I’m still not so sure about this. I really love him and I really don’t know if I want to go into a marriage with all this on my chest?!?!?! Will I be able to forgive him, and for all that he has done to me? He has another child by my cousin, which makes my kids and my cousin kid double cousins. I don’t know if I can take this, but I can’t see him with no one else. I really don’t know what to do. People talk about me behind my back. I don’t have many friends because they said that he has tried to talk to them. I never believed them I have no one to turn to. I’m so stuck in love. Please help me! I need advice. I love him but I know I can do better without him! – Confused Baby Momma
Dear Ms. Confused Baby Momma,
Chile! I thought birds flew south for the winter!
Look here you ole’ silly a** broad. Let’s get this straight: HE IS NOT A GREAT MAN! Stop putting him on some pedestal with that bull-ish! He beats you, cheats on you, and abandons you and his children. How does that make him a great man?
Then you sit up here and write that you fight and he puts his hands on you because you provoke him? WHAT THE HELL!?!?! Are you serious? You provoke him to put his hands on you? I’m sorry, but that is the victim in you speaking and saying this asinine bull-ish! That cheap ass synthetic wig you’re wearing is causing damage to your brain. I don’t care who, what, why, and how, but no man should put his hands on any woman! There is no excuse or reason for it. You don’t provoke anyone to put their hands on you, especially a man. He does it because he is weak, spineless, and he has no nuts! He puts his hands on you because he wants to control you. He’s out of control in his own life, therefore the only control he has and tries to maintain is that over you.
Think about it. His car was repossessed. Which means he has no control over his spending and doesn’t know how to manage his money. And, that means he can’t afford to take care of his children. HE’S A BROKE BUM BISH! Why are you being bothered with him? He then told you to get an abortion because he doesn’t want you to have any more children, and you do. But, your cousin, whom he impregnated, had his child. (* * ) Giving you the side eye. This community and family d**k sharing is getting out of control.
Then, you say that you can deal with him putting his hands on you, but not the cheating. WOW! WOW! WOW! So, him pummeling you into the ground is not a problem. It’s his community d**k sharing that you have a problem with. (Can you say D**k-matized? Where are my roots and voodoo cleansing ingredients? ) You really need some help. Please, for the sake of yourself and your children, I want you to call Social Services and ask them if they have a referral for a psychiatrist of psychotherapist. You need to speak with someone ASAP!
You say you love him to death. Ma’am, you will be dead if you keep loving this man. He is going to kill you. He has already done so emotionally and mentally. He has killed your spirit. Next, he will kill you physically. He is not worth it. Do you value your life? Do you value your children? Do you want to see them grow up? This obsession over a man who has no regard for you and your children will only drive you insane and you will end up in somebody’s mental ward. You are dying a slow death and don’t even realize it.
What’s so sad is that your children are witnessing all of this happen ghetto drama. They know daddy is sleeping with your family member. Your eldest child opened the door and told you he was in the room, thus, the child knew he was in the room with your cousin having sex. You beat your cousin in front of your children. So, what lessons do you think your children are learning? Not to mention that you and he fight in front of them. So, your children are constantly witnessing nothing but pain. Nothing but abuse. They will grow up to emulate your tumultuous relationship. SMDH! The vicious cycle will continue; repeating itself. This ole’ ghetto a** behavior has got to stop!!!
I’m curious as to why you would jump on and beat your cousin, but you did nothing, nor said anything to your children’s father? He is the one who has been cheating on you consistently. He is the one who is the reason for your on again off again relationship. You know he is a serial cheater, yet, you jump on the woman. And, you go back to him, start up the relationship as if nothing has happened, but then you discover she is pregnant because they continue to sleep with one another. So, how are you going to move forward with your own family member who has a child by your MAN!?!
Here’s what I need for you to do: 1.) Get into some therapy and counseling. You need some help mentally and emotionally. Your connection with this man is beyond obsessive, it’s madness. He is killing you, and you don’t even recognize it. You will be six feet under and he will continue doing what he is doing, raising your children, and your cousin’s child all in his house. Then what? Is it worth it? Is all of this drama, abuse, and anguish worth it?
2.) Find yourself a spiritual refuge. Get big momma and ‘em, and let them lay them hands on you. This man’s spirit has embedded into you and it has you shook. You need a spiritual cleanse and bath to get this man’s spirit off of you. Being amongst a spiritual family, and spiritual institution will help you reclaim your spirit, life, and soul. You can’t do this alone. You need some positive reinforcements to help you move on and get rid of this man.
3.) Move! It’s time to move to another city, town, hell, another state. You need to rid yourself of his existence. Your relationship with him is not healthy. If your friends don’t want to come around because he is always flirting and hitting on them, then that is a problem. If you can’t do anything without people talking behind your back, or you hearing about his affairs, and hell, this man may try to sleep with your momma. Move! Move! Move!
4.) Do not marry him! Why? What will that solve? He is not going to change. He is still going to do what he does now: He will continue to cheat. He will continue to beat you. He will continue to drag you through his drama. HE IS NOT WORTH IT! And, marrying him is not going to change anything. You are not going to be happy marrying him. You will be even more miserable. DON’T DO IT!
I hope you will take heed to everything and save yourself. Your sanity is not worth losing over some man who doesn’t care about you and his children. Your livelihood and well-being is not worth losing over a man who is not going to change. He is who he will always be A LOW DOWN DIRTY A** DOG! Get your life and reclaim yourself. Stop giving him power over you! Stop allowing him access to your mind! And, stop making him a priority when he has not and does not make you a priority in his life. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!