Dear Bossip,

I stumbled on your articles from a local radio website. You are GIFTED-LOL!

I love your candid, hilarious, and “Tell it like it T’is” commentaries. I’ve decided I will share my love “hopefuls” with you for your feedback. Here is a cut and paste copy of an email that I sent to this guy that I really like. It’s hard enough to find a good man, but a good match; even harder! Good Luck Ladies!

Background: Here is a guy I wish I could sprinkle dust on. He has been hurt by his EX (mother of his children) and getting to his heart is like penetrating Fort Knox. We met at a training session at work. We work in separate cities now. We talked, sexed, but a relationship never got off the ground the way I would have liked, or he runs sacred when he feels his emotions are beyond his control. He also weighs a lot on sex. Now, sex is important, but I know it takes so much more than physical satisfaction for a relationship to survive. I believe he is used to having wild hard core sex and lots of it. The last time we met he actually said to me, “I think you’re holding back on me in the bedroom.” I was shocked!! Now, if I do anymore I will be up there with Lil’ Kim! In spite of the bedroom episode he has never cum and says it’s because of me. WTH??

Anyway, we have the same level of education – M.Ed., taste in furniture, conversation is good, respect is mutual, and we really enjoy each other. He spends a ton of time with his family and kids. Cool, but he doesn’t invest time into a relationship at least not with me. In my opinion his social needs are being met by his circle of family, friends and his kids.

MY EMAIL TO HIM:

Hello,

I’m sending you this email as a final attempt to reach out to you because YOU are what I desire. I am also offering you the “Getaway Away Trip” I promised. It’s been 2 weeks (me texting and calling you to no avail) and that is certainly a long time not to talk to someone. I’ve poured out my heart to you. There is no need to reject or ignore communication with me. Just say, “I’m not interested or I’m not that into you.” I’m sure you can respect that.

We both know when you have passion for someone or something, you know how to make time to cultivate and feed that interest. And, since communication with you is limited and or void; I am led only to believe you lack of passion for me. Your investment towards me is minimal and quite different from mine. I am on a mission to please you, but that’s a two-way street. You must be on a mission to please, too. I thought I made it clear to you when we met at the park. I want an exclusive relationship with you. You stated you were offering me a complete package. That sounded like we were on the same page. Was I wrong? You did ask me to be patient, but you didn’t say a thing about not communicating or contacting each other.

Well, he never responded.

I read a book by Hill Harper that men don’t break off relationships with a woman if they plan on back tracking. Is that true or false? In the meantime, I’m starting a doctorate program and completing a book. I’m definitely not waiting by the phone for him to call (Even though I would break my neck to answer if he did call). I just want someone to share a meaningful life with. Am I asking for too much?  Help ME Please?? – Thought He Was A Match

Dear Ms. Thought He Was A Match,

SMDH! Let’s get a clue here. You’re a smart cookie. I doubt if anyone would be able to pull the wool over your eyes…but then again.

So, what I can deduce are a few things, but since he hasn’t communicated and has been M.I.A. for two weeks without any communication, then I would conclude that either A.) He has reunited with his ex (the mother of his children). And, I say this because you did state that he spends a lot of time with his family and kids. If she is in the picture when he visits, which I am sure she is, then he’s been making attempts to reconnect with her. Especially since you mentioned that she was the one that broke his heart.

A man who is heartbroken by a woman, especially the mother of his children, and a woman he is in love with, he will try to rectify and reunite with her to save face. He is not going to let her leave him.

B.) He is just not that into you, and he is not interested in relationship. Plain and simple – He lied. He used you as his rebound chick to try to get over his ex. He may have really wanted to move on. He may have really wanted to be with another woman. But, if he is going through a bitter breakup, or he is hurting, then the last thing on his mind is jumping into another relationship. No one is mentally and emotionally ready to get into another relationship after they just got out of one that is hurtful and they are in pain. That’s freaking ludicrous.

However, for him, and most men, jumping into some available p***y is a quick remedy for getting some sex, and making him feel like he is still the man, and boosting his ego. Yet, emotionally and mentally, he is not present. He is absent. He is going through the motions, and you were there simply to bide the time until he figured out his next move. Sorry, but, that’s any person just coming out of a relationship where they are heartbroken.

Now, I do applaud you on not waiting on him to call you or respond to your email. That was some good stuff you put in the email, and you called him out. You made him responsible for his actions and words. You called him to task. And, at the same time it was your attempt at closure, and getting some answers. Though, you didn’t get any answers or response, that in and of itself should be enough for you to walk away and maintain your dignity. His non-communication should show you the type of man he is. And, he’s shown you on several occasions that he is unavailable and not willing to communicate.

Case in point: When he mentioned that you were holding back on him in the bedroom, that was your cue to ask him to be more specific. Why didn’t he go into detail and share with you what he was looking for?  What more does he want? What is he into sexually? What are his expectations? What turns him on? And, then you should have proceeded to let him know what you will and won’t do. Your turn ons and turn offs, as well as, your expectations in the bedroom.

Sex is an important component in a relationship, and if one partner is not being satisfied, or their needs are not being met, then you have to communicate with your partner. You have to be honest with them about your needs in the bedroom. Because if you are not on your job, or if they are not on theirs, someone will stray or start to become distant. And, then the cheating and lies ensue. The fights, and arguments, and then the breakup. And, it’s all because one partner did not express how they were not being satisfied in the bedroom.

I swear y’all folks will jump in the bed with someone and lay there hoping they will touch you in the right place, or kiss your favorite spot, and do your favorite position. Uhm, I’m sorry, but if you don’t know each other’s bodies, and you don’t share with them what turns you on and turns you off, then how can they satisfy you? You have to teach your partner how to handle your body, where to kiss you, where to touch you, and where not to kiss and touch you.

OPEN YOUR MOUTHS AND TALK WITH YOUR MATES ABOUT YOUR BEDROOM EXPECTATIONS. IT WILL SAVE YOU A WORLD OF HEADACHES AND HEART PAIN.

You stated that you are working on your doctoral program and writing a book. YOU GO GIRL! Then, continue to let that be your focus. If he does call, because I do agree with Hill Harper that a man doesn’t end a relationship with a woman because he plans on back tracking, then please do not break your neck to run back into his arms. I don’t care what lame excuse he will have, because he will give a really good reason of why he went missing for TWO WEEKS, and why he didn’t respond to your email. Chile, it’s going to be a really good excuse, and I bet nine times out of ten, he is going to use his kids as part of his excuse. “I wanted to spend some quality time with them because their mom was threatening to not let me see them.” Chile, BYE, and miss me with that excuse!

And, remember what you said in your letter and email, he was not into your needs and investing in the relationship. Keep that in mind because it will be a repeat performance when, and if decides to return. He will have to prove himself otherwise, and I mean make him prove it through his actions, and not his words. Don’t make it easy for him. He is going to say and do everything to get back into your good graces, but let him know that your graces no longer lie between your legs. It’s in your heart. And, if he wants your good graces and your heart, then he needs to work and earn getting them. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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