I’m not even sure how to start this off, being that I’m not a blog reader and don’t really want to make a fool out of myself.
But, here goes:
My sister is an avid Bossip reader. She told me about how people write in to you for relationship advice. Being that I have been going through so many things lately she told me that maybe writing to you would make me feel better because you don’t know me so I could just tell you what’s going on and get it off my chest.
I like to think of myself as a young smart ambitious woman, but somewhere along the lines I lost myself. I have a child by a man who is a retired NFL player. I met him when I was 15-years old. I was captain of the track team and had my life planned out. I didn’t like him at first because I wasn’t interested in boys at that age. My focus was track. That’s all I wanted to do was run. He ended up convincing my sister into taking me out on a date with him. So, in my mind I was like, “Ok, let me go out with this man so he will leave me alone.”
Well, one date turned into two and so on. We became really good friends. He was in college at the time, so we would just take turns going back and forth to see each other. When I turned 18-years old I lost my virginity to him and ended up getting pregnant. I then moved in with him and put my dream of going to college on hold. At the time I moved in I wasn’t working and he was going to school full-time.
Well, being that I was pregnant I felt as if I needed to move back home with my mom. I was young, about to be a mother, and I just felt that was the best decision at the time. He was so angry that I moved. We began to have problems. I was still going to see him while I was pregnant. He was about to lose his scholarship, so I did his work for him in order for him to get it back in good standing. At that point in my life everything was about him. I was going through so much with him when I was pregnant. There were other women and it was just too overwhelming for me so we broke up.
I had my child and we were supposed to be working on the relationship. About two years later he got drafted and that’s when everything changed. He was someone that I no longer knew. It was a very difficult time for me being that I was in love with him, but I would say that I wasn’t knowing. I made sure I had a job because I didn’t want people to say that I was living off him. He would always throw it up in my face that he had money now. So, I threatened to put him on child support. I filed and everything, but decided not to go through with it.
Now, I’m at the point to where there are so many things that I want to do on my own and I don’t know how to go about doing them. He always throws it in my face that all I have to do is ‘this’ and he can give me everything I want. He is always saying all you have to do is ‘this’ and I can make some calls and you can have it just like that. What really gets me is when I hear people talk about groupies and women who look for athletes to have children by them for money and all this. What about the women who were there before the fame and fortune? What about the women like me who have children by athletes, but we had them beforehand when they were nothing?
I’m not a groupie or a gold digger. He is not on child support or anything like that. He does, however, provide for our child. My thing is I’m at the point to where I want more out of life. I can do more I just don’t have the resources or know-how to go about doing the things I want to do. I always wanted to do fashion or be a stylist or something like that I when I was younger. I would watch 106and Park and see Free and think I would love to do something like that. That was my dream. I hear that the blogs are always talking about the gold diggers and groupies, but what about women like me who want to do more but don’t know how to go about doing the things they want to do?
I’m a smart and intelligent woman who is not looking for a handout. I want desperately to do it on my own, but I don’t have anyone to guide me, and the one person who can help me doesn’t want to without a price because he knows if I get one person to believe in me and show me what I need to do in order to make a better life for myself I wouldn’t need him at all! That’s my ultimate goal.
I have gotten so depressed about this I just don’t want to live any longer. My sister is the only one that I will talk to about this situation and be half way truthful with. I’m just at the point to where I feel like I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I know there are other mothers out there like me going through the same thing. I read about women like Alison (Chris Boshes daughter’s mother) and I wish everyday that I could help those women. I wish we could all come together and do something to where we could all make our own money and not have to depend on these athletes.
I could go on and on about this situation, but ultimately all I really want is your opinion on the situation. I think about taking my own life all the time now. Something that I have never thought about and I just want to be happy again. I just want to find a way to make my own money without him having to help me for my child. I just want to be happy again. – Ms. Trying To Make My Own Way
Dear Ms. Trying To Make My Own Way,
First, thank your sister for reading Bossip and my advice column. I love hearing from fans and their love and support. I’m glad she told you to write in. Thank you for taking the time to send your letter.
Second, Ms. Honey, your life is too precious. Too wonderful. Too amazing. Too awesome to want to give up and check out. You have your child to live for. That would be selfish of you to leave your child without a mother. That would be selfish to think of yourself and not your child who needs you, and who loves you unconditionally. And, your child would be devastated if you left them here. DON’T YOU DARE BE THAT SELFISH! Your child needs you!
And, it would be selfish to your family and friends. There are lots of people who love you and wouldn’t mind being support systems to you. You’re not the only one who has had to deal with some man throwing his weight, and money around. Especially new money. Boy, have several seats. Chile, these men equate their worth with their material things. If you have to equate your worth to something material, uhm, excuse me, but that doesn’t make you man? That doesn’t make you more valuable, worthy, and better. So what you got money, but do you have a heart? So what you got a nice house, care, and things, but what difference are you making in the world? Are you there for your child as a man, and a father? Yeah, you can buy them the world, but are you there mentoring, rearing, and guiding them through life? Are you encouraging them, showing up at the parent-teacher conferences, their games, their awards ceremonies, their school events? How many birthdays have you been there for? How many holidays have you missed? How many times when they needed their dad and you were not there? Just because you can buy them a new toy, some sneakers, and clothes doesn’t make up for the emotional, mental, and physical presence they need in their lives.
I’m sorry you had to have this experience, especially dealing with a professional athlete. But, this is par for the course. Girl, these men will get some attention, fame, and money and all of sudden they forget from whence they came. They forget those who were there for them, the woman who stood by his side, did his homework and helped him pull his grades up so he wouldn’t lose his scholarship. The woman who toiled with him, put up with his drama, and other women. The woman who massaged his back, legs, and feet when he came in from practice and games and his body was tired, and hurting. The woman who encouraged him, pushed him, and inspired him when he cried in your arms at night when his future wasn’t certain. The woman who carried his child, put her dreams on hold, while she believed in his dreams. Yes, we know women like you. The ones who are not the gold diggers or groupies, or trying to come up. You were there when he didn’t have a pot to piss in and window to throw it out of!
Come on somebody! I know I’m telling somebody’s story. (It may be my own! Let me hush up! LOL).
Look, I know you want to do it on your own, and without him throwing it up in your face. And you can do that. First, go back to school. There are many programs, grants, and various resources available to women like you. President Obama created a program for mothers, and women to go back to school. Check into it and find out how you can benefit and take advantage of it.
Second, put his a** on child support. I don’t care if he is providing for the child. Girl, one day he can wake up and decide he is not going to do it anymore. You don’t let him have the deciding power over the finances and care for your child. No ma’am. He helped make the child, then he will be responsible. If he wants to throw it in your face what he can do for you, and the calls he can make, and the money he has, then make his a** do it for your child and have the assurance of child support.
Third, rise up and start reading empowering and inspiring books that lift your spirit. You have a contribution to make to this world. It would be a disservice for you to not give us your talent, and let us hear your voice, and be inspired by you! Yes, you want to help other women in your situation, then you can write a book. Tell your story, and it will inspire other women. Keep a journal and write your experiences. You can start a self-help group, or program for young girls, and other women in your situation. Don’t make it a bish fest, but make it an empowerment group where you help one another. You lift one another up, and encourage each other. You can inspire so many young girls who will get caught up with an athlete, because this cycle will continue, and you can teach them on how to navigate the experience and how to be best prepared.
Look, you can change the course and direction of your life, and you don’t have to depend on him to do it. Now, if I was in that situation I would take his a** to task and make him invest in me and make some phone calls. Freak that! Especially if I invested in him all these years, and gave him a child. Yes, you owe me, damn it! You want to throw it in my face, then do something and be about it. Don’t tell me who you can call and what you can do, just do it!!! But, I digress. Get a plan and work your plan. Start moving toward a new tomorrow, a new beginning, and a new you. The new semester for school starts in January, honey, start looking into some schools and get enrolled. And, I’m sure you made some contacts while you were with him, at least I hope you did. Call them up and tell them what you’re up to and if they can be supportive of your dream. Girl, a closed mouth don’t get fed! And, start talking to these other women. Get a group and start an organization. Hell, you can even volunteer with a group or organization. And, get into someone’s church, or spiritual center. You need positive reinforcements, and a strong spiritual foundation to sustain you. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed then you can move mountains!!! Motivate yourself and you will change not only your life, but others as well. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!