Terrance, I love reading your brutally honest responses. So, I am prepared to brace myself for what you have to say.
Let me begin with a little background information and then get down to my question.
Back in 2009, I was just about to turn 22-years old when I met this man we’ll call “Mike.” When we met I was already involved with someone so Mike and I remained friends. For about one year Mike and I spoke maybe once or twice a month just being reliable friends, listening ears, and offering advice. At some point during that year things ended with my current boyfriend and tragedy struck. When Mike heard about my misfortune he called everyday for 4 months to comfort me and never once mentioned my loss. He was there to support me and kept me from slipping into a deep depression with funny stories and comforting words.
After that he and I were inseparable. We began to date and went strong for 11months… but then his insecurities surfaced and I found myself in an unbearable emotionally abusive situation. When things were good, they were great, but the second Mike couldn’t get his way he would lash out by calling me everything but a child of God and belittling me to no end. Every time this happened I lost a little more self-esteem and would apologize and blame myself. One night, during my cousin’s graduation weekend, the arguing got so bad that the police were called. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When I was finally released with no charges against me I had to face my entire family, who had come to town for the celebration. I lied and told them that the argument had gotten physical so that they would hate Mike as much as I did. They supported me and helped me move past the situation.
Now, it’s 2012 and I’m 25-years old and three and a half years wiser. I have relocated and begun my master’s program while working full-time. You would think living 700 miles apart meant never having to worry about him again… but low and behold I ran into Mike and his younger sister while they were on vacation in my new city. His sister and I spent a day hanging out and catching up. She informed me that after the conflict Mike attended over a year of anger management classes and had really matured and come into his own. He purchased his first home, finished his master’s program and had broken the 6 figure mark in his career. I said “good for him” and left it at that. Three weeks later, Mike e-mails me asking if we can start again. I agreed to it, but only if we completed couples counseling (which I knew would be no easy feat due to our distance). True to his word he found a counselor willing to work with us via Skype and in person whenever he was in my town. After 3 months of counseling we began dating again and haven’t had any real problems. I was originally waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am happy to say he really has changed and we have both matured for the better of our relationship.
Now my question: How long should I wait to see if this is worth bringing up to my family? And how should I even go about telling them? Most of them believe that Mike is a physically abusive a**hole because I needed someone on my side after the arrest incident. I don’t want to get over confident and tell them too soon, but I also am very close with my family and feel like I am hiding something special in my life. — Tangled Web Weaver
Dear Ms. Tangled Web Weaver,
Brace yourself Ms. Thang because here it comes! You are a liar. You are the manipulator. You are the one who is the a**hole. You lied to your family to protect yourself, and you lied on “Mike” at the detriment of his reputation. That is trifling, and I don’t understand why he is with you, unless you didn’t tell him the truth either about the lie you told on him.
Have you gotten therapy about the liar that you are? Have you told your man that you lied on him and ruined his character? Because the lie you told about him has already spread beyond your family. Chile, I hope you don’t think that the lie you told about him being abusive stayed amongst your family members. People talk. And, you’ve tarnished this man’s name for the sake of saving face of something you could have been honest about from the beginning.
So, how about you start with telling yourself the truth, telling Mike the truth, and then tell your family the truth. Let’s see if Mike will stick around then. Let’s see if your family will believe you, and still support your relationship. Somebody needs to smack the hell out of you and reposition that damn wig on top of your head.
You are deceptively leading this man into a relationship in which he is unaware of the lie you told on him. You are deceptively leading this man into believing you are an honest woman whom he can start anew with, and build a relationship with. He rectified his wrongs by attending anger management counseling, and even at the suggestion of reconnecting with you he was proactive in seeking out a couples’ counselor in order to work on your relationship. Yet, you are harboring a lie that got you into the situation you’re in. He is probably thinking the entire relationship failed because of him and his behavior, when in actuality, you’re equally, if not more, responsible for the failure of the relationship. Weren’t you the one who went to jail for the incident several years ago?
Mike is a stand-up dude, but you Ms. Honey! I can’t with you! You are the worse kind of woman. The type that will lie on a man, stick to the lie, and then reconnect with the man knowing the real reason why your family, friends, and nobody likes him, but will lead him to believe it’s because of something he did or has done. TRIFLING A** TRICK! In the words of Marsha Ambrosius, “I hope he cheats on you with a model chick!”
This man probably feels guilty for what he did to you. He is probably working really hard to right his wrongs, and you’re the bish that is still holding on to the secret and allowing him to feel guilty for something that you created. SMDH! You are truly a special one. You got a lot of nerve and gall.
Then, you’re sitting up here talking about how special he is to you? Really Ms. Thang? Really! He’s so special to you that you will live with the lie and not be honest with him? He’s so special to you that you reconnected with him knowing you deceptively used him and led him to believe the detriment of your relationship was because of what he did? Yes, he had an anger problem, but you lied. He worked on his issues, you haven’t. So, who’s the bad guy here? You or him? Girl, miss me and start being honest for once in your life. Start being truthful and tell everyone how you lied and why you lied. Maybe, and perhaps if you’re honest yourself, and those you claim you love, then you will have an honest and loving relationship with others.
Ask yourself these questions: Why did I lie? How has this lie served me? What damage has this lie caused? What can I do to rectify this situation? What will the truth look like, and can I handle the repercussions in telling the truth? Can I be honest with those I claim I love, and especially the man I hurt? – Terrance Dean
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