Dear Bossip: He’s An Alcoholic With A Mental Disorder & I Know I Can’t Fix Him, But I Can’t Leave Either

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

Okay, I have a question for Mr. Terrance Dean. Really it is a messy situation that I really would like someone’s outside point of view on.

Around March 2009, I was beginning my career at a very well-known company after completing my undergraduate degree. I have two children whom I have raised by myself. Their father finally stepped up to the plate and suggested the children live with him during the week and I have them during the weekends. I ended up having a lot of free time on my hands at this point. I was doing me. I was single, but I kept in touch with my ex who was also singe at the time, but lived in another state.

I would get hit on, every hour on the hour it seemed. One guy in particular from my job really stood out because of his personality. Physically he was not my type and the way he talked about treating women struck a nerve with me. I instantly knew I would never be with this man or anyone he was friends with. As time went on me and this guy would always seemed to be paired together on projects and even ended up sitting right next to one another permanently. As time went on he became more aggressive in pursuing me, and I continued to shoot him down. As time went on further we became friends and he begged me to come to his home to watch a boxing match with he and his friends. It took me 2 years of no’s and then one day I reluctantly said yes.

I went to his home and everything was chill. But, as I’m sitting there minding my own business, a beautiful man walks in the room and makes his way straight to me. We begin talking and I can tell I liked him instantly. As the conversation went on he revealed that he was my co-workers older brother. This instantly turned me off because even though me and my co-worker, let’s call him “Sam,” became friends I couldn’t see myself messing around with someone who possibly taught him those negative ways and myself being treated like that. But, not once that evening was he rude or disrespectful. He was grown sexy and very smart.

That night he invited me to his home for sex and of course I obliged. It was sensual and intense and just what I needed after nine months without sex. I really felt at the bottom of my heart that even though he was different I could not see a future with this man. Something in me was saving myself, (relationship wise) for my ex who was out of state.

Fast forward to two kids and a marriage from my co-workers brother and I am wishing I would have followed my first mind! I met my now husband’s mother on our third date, and I met his sister as well, and even knew his brother. All had nothing but great things to say about him. Well, I ended up finding out very shortly that I was pregnant by this man and also that my current husband lost his job about a week before he met me. In time I witnessed him lose his car, and eventually his apartment. He was collecting unemployment and I figured why not allow the man I’m pregnant by come stay with me for a while until he can get back on his feet.

Well, big mistake, what the family forgot to tell me was that he was in recovery for alcoholism and he had mental issues. Upon seeing him act a fool I had him go to the mental ward at our nearest hospital where he was kept involuntarily and diagnosed as Bipolar or manic depressive.

The psychiatrists who diagnosed him pulled me aside and let me know that there is no cure for Bipolar and he will forever go through the cycles of being normal to going crazy, even with medicine. So, if I was not ready for hard work and putting up with this I should basically leave the hospital while he was kept guard and lose all contact with him and to never contact him again. And, that even with medicine he was going to have mental episodes. I didn’t know how to take all this, but I knew I would try with him so long as he tried to control himself.

Well, off and on for probably 3 years my current husband relapsed on alcohol at least 4 times a month binge drinking. He is a habitual liar who couldn’t tell you what he ate for breakfast without lying. We have physically fought when his depression gets bad and it happens like twice a year. And, to clarify when I have reached a certain point, I lose my nerve and I do just say “F” it and say very hurtful things to make him and want to leave. But, he only leaves to get drunk and come back on my nerves worse than before.

My husband is very attractive and women stop and stare at him all the time. When he’s on my nerves I used to wish one of those women would stop staring and take his crazy a** home with them. His family despises me because I have called the police on him over 10 times when he gets too manic and they blame me for his drinking and not having a job even though he was like this before I met him.

He has two baby mammas. One who is his mother’s husband’s niece. She attempts to sleep with him at any chance she is alone with him, but feels threatened by me so she won’t pull it when I’m around. Then he has a second in which his story is she was invited to his birthday party, and his mother saw he was drunk and sent him to her bed. She went to get something out of her room and then witnessed his second baby momma on top of him while he was drunk. And, this is their only encounter and how she got pregnant. (Not sure if I believe it). Since his momma has a track history of lying and so does he, but the baby momma cosigns with the story so I guess I will.

But, she gets on my nerves. She calls at all times of the evening talking about her son who is only 2-years old saying she can’t handle him and can he please come get him. She sends messages that could easily be twisted out of context. For example, she would send a pic of her and her son and say, “its all yours…I mean our son is all yours. LOL.” For no reason this one is a nuisance.  Any picture she sends of her son she has to be in it. And, when it’s time for him to get their child on the weekend he is using my car and gas. So, I ask that he meet her halfway which is over an hour away. Of course she wants to meet up at her house and she never has gas or diapers or wipes, hell anything.

He used to get jealous when he saw my kids taken care of and his other kids were without, but I work hard and whatever I could give to his other kids I would, but my kids are my priority. He feels sorry for his second baby’s mother and really puts her on more of a pedestal and I have no idea as to why. He says it’s because he never gave her a chance at a relationship and feels a certain way about it. It makes me not want to be bothered with him and his children because it always creates drama just picking them up when I’m with him.

Now, the reason I’m writing today is because I know my relationship is a mess, but I don’t know if it is enough of a mess to walk away. I’m tired of the baby momma and Bipolar stuff. I’m ready to get back to doing me. We are separated right now and my husband is in a transitional rehab facility. He has been in there one and a half months and has relapsed twice. I have even gone to visit him and saw nude pictures of another woman on his phone. I’m tired of the drama and I’m ready to be happy, but I don’t know if it can be with him. Should I stay and work through the bad times or should I find a man with less because everything this one has.

I’m still very young and I’m pretty much fed up with this man. I love and enjoy him to death, but my main issue is that I can’t go through hard times because he is always going through them mentally and financially. Could it be that I just need a break? I just don’t know. Any advice would be helpful. And, background on the history of the women in my family and men. My grandmother on my mom’s side has been alone since her divorce like 28 years ago. My mom’s sister is an on again off again lesbian. She was married and then left her husband for a woman she was with secretly in high school. My other aunt is now an alcoholic but still in her dry marriage. And, my mom was chasing my dad for all of my life and more recently every bum who gives her a compliment. Currently my mother has hit an all time low and has hooked up with a man in prison, and yes she accepts his calls daily and sends him money.

His mother is in an abusive relationship with a man who has hit on every woman who has stepped into to their home including me. And his brother is a mess when it comes to respecting women. A lot of the advice I am getting is horrible. I don’t have a support system to tell me when enough is enough. I don’t have any idea of what a happy stable relationship is. I need help.

I don’t want to end up like these women. I want to be happy. I truly want to be happy with my husband but don’t know if it is even possible. – Where To Turn

Dear Ms. Where To Turn,

Ma’am, I hate to break it to you, but you are those women. The hell!! Talking about you don’t want to end up like the women in your family, or his. Well, here is the truth. Just like your mother, she has been chasing your father all your life, well, boo boo, you’re chasing your husband. Any bum who has given your mom a compliment, and now she has hooked up with a man in prison and sends him money. Well, you’re dating a man who has mental issues, an alcoholic, and is in a rehab institution. (Knocks on your forehead) Does that sound familiar? And, your aunt who is in her dry marriage, doesn’t that sound similar to your marriage?

And, his mother who is in an abusive relationship, and his brother is a mess when it comes to respecting women, yet, you’re trying to justify your husband’s emotional, mental, and physical abuse? HUH? Are you serious? And, like his brother he doesn’t respect women. He has two baby mommas. And, he’s married to you, but yet has naked pictures of women in his phone, and he his two baby mommas who are running after him. So, please tell me how he is not like his mother or brother? (I’ll wait while you ponder these thought-provoking questions)

Girl, please stop being in denial about your situation, and wake your a** up!!!! You are the women you’re trying not to become. Your very situation is a mirror reflection of all of them. You can’t see that? Or, is it that you refuse to see it because you think you’re better than them. LMBAO! Girl, please stop.

Chile, you met your husband at your co-worker’s home. He came through the door and all you saw was how good looking he was and your a** was dripping wet. You learned he was the older brother of your co-worker, whom you despised, but because in that initial meeting he was nothing like his brother. He invited you to his home and against your better judgment you went home with him and on the same night you had sex with him. A man you just met, and in a few hours you laid with him, raw dog, and thought you had hit the jackpot. SMDH! So sad that you didn’t think more of yourself, and if you had actually waited to get to know him you would have discovered that he was a recovering alcoholic who suffered from a mental illness.

So, let’s move forward. The first time that you discovered your man was Bipolar, and he was an alcoholic, and the doctor told you that his illness is a lifelong battle, and there is no cure, and his suggestion to you was to leave, break all ties, and move on with you life, you should have listened. You should have marched your happy a** out of the hospital and thanked God that you dodged the bullet. That was your moment to walk away and continue “doing you,” as you say. But, no! You had to be the savior. You had to be the woman who can fix him and help him. And, because he is so fine and good looking, you were stuck on his looks and not listening to who he was and the hell he would take you through. The devil is a liar, and he was dressed up and swinging some major wood, and you decided to lay with him.

See, this is the problem. Women get stuck on how good looking a man is, and how he is laying it down in the bedroom, but will ignore all of his physical abuse, all of his mental issues, and the emotional turmoil he is putting you through all because he is, “Fine and good looking.” Well, fine and good looking is driving you crazy. Fine and good looking is taking you through it. Fine and good looking is dragging you through the mud and treating you like trash. Eventually, fine and good looking will kill you. Stay in this abusive relationship if you want, but you won’t be around too long because he is unstable, emotionally not well, and will continue to berate, belittle, and demean you.

Ma’am, he suffers from Bipolar and alcoholism. That is a very dangerous combination. He is self-medicating himself to deal with his mental illness, and you, along with his family are co-dependents, especially his mother. That bish cray!!! Chile, ain’t no way in hell I would stick around with those crazy a** family members. His own momma set him up and had a woman take advantage of him. His own momma blames you for his failures, and his alcoholism. His own momma blames you for not loving him enough, and supporting him because he suffers from a mental illness. Chile, drops his a** off at his momma’s house and let her take care of him. I wish I might!

Look here, he is killing your spirit. The fact that you can’t see what is your breaking point is a tell-tale sign that you are emotionally and mentally inept. You need to go and see a therapist yourself. You need to go and get checked out to find out why you won’t leave, and how the mental and emotional affects of your family has damaged you. Hell, you attracted him into your life, therefore it says a lot about your mental stability. Are you emotionally and mentally well?

And, for the record, you should get your children tested by a psychiatrist because mental illness is hereditary. It can be passed to your children.

But, let’s digress for a minute. You have two children with your ex, whom they live with him during the week, and with you on the weekends. And, now you are married to your co-worker’s brother, and have two more children with him? So, you have four children, two baby daddies, and you’re complaining about the women your husband has children with? WOW! You truly are a nut case yourself.

You want to know what to do to be happy. Well, leave the relationship and marriage. It is not going to get any better. It will continue to get worse. He is not healthy enough to be in a relationship. No matter how much you love, want to save him, help him, or be there for him, if he is unwilling to take care of himself, then how in the hell can he take care of you and his children? Stop trying to hold onto a man who obviously does not want to be held onto. You need to be sane, well, and healthy for yourself, and your children. He is nothing more than another child you are caring for. And, a grown a** child at that. Girl, please seek out some therapy for yourself to get to the root of your own disorder. You’re running after a man who is mentally ill. What does that say about you? What does it say about you that you are willing to subjugate yourself to abuse mentally, emotionally, and physically all for the sake of having a piece of a man? It’s not worth it. It’s not worth losing yourself and destroying your own spirit. Your children need at least one mentally stable parent, how about you work on you to provide your children with a sense of normalcy and not destruction, chaos, and disorder. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!



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