I started reading your advice column, but can never manage to read the entire thing through because the stories seem too unreal.
My turn, I guess. Anyway, the reason I’m writing is I’m in an interesting situation and you seem like someone who can tell me like it is. Here’s the situation:
I moved back home just over a year ago and since then I’ve reunited with an old high school guy friend. We’ve hung out quite a bit and our conversations are always invigorating and we’ve both confessed how attracted we are to one another.
We have made out once, a couple weeks before his girlfriend was set to have their first child. Before we made out he confessed his biggest fear at that moment was that the child wasn’t his. I know his girlfriend and she’s notorious for sleeping around, she’s cheated on him several times. He says he’s happy enough and that he went back to her after she cheated this last time for the kids (prior to her getting pregnant with their current child). The two previous kids aren’t his biological children but he’s been helping her raise them for five years.
After the night we made out, granted we both had a couple drinks but we were both aware of what we were doing, I apologized the next day because I hate to be that other woman regardless of how his current girlfriend treats him. We’ve hung out several times following our intense make-out session and we’ve both behaved ourselves. The thing is I like him but have no plans of sleeping with him while he’s in his current relationship. I try not to think about him, but he texts me every morning with a “good morning,” throughout the entire day, and each night until he falls asleep (usually while his girlfriend is asleep in the bed next to him). He’s even confessed that he hasn’t had sex with her since they conceived their newborn (if it is his).
He’s asked me to join him for a business trip to Vegas (he’s in the Casino management business) next month. Have I blurred the lines of friendship? Is he thinking there’s more, that I can be that other woman? He said he knows how much it hurts to be cheated on and couldn’t do it himself. Do I take his word for it? Common sense is escaping me in this situation. Is he crying out for someone to help him move on from his current girlfriend? He talks about how he once wanted to marry her, and that she’s the only person he’s ever loved, but when he talks I know he’s still in pain.
I hate to be the girl who wants him so badly that she’ll put bad advice in his head, but I want to tell him he needs to move on and do for himself because her cheating days are probably not behind her like he might hope. Do I go on this trip with him and trust we can both genuinely enjoy a friend’s getaway because we haven’t had a chance to hang out in a while… and I do miss his friendship. As great of a friend he’s become, do I step away to avoid interference or him possibly cheating? Or stick around and take a chance on him. I know I have many questions. Thanks for your advice in advance. – Ms. Torn
Dear Ms. Torn,
Let’s see here (pulls out my Bull-ish calculator). You plus him are two dumba** people. Multiply that by your trifling a** and it equals a hot a** mess. Divide that by him cheating on her with you and I get Trick, Trick, Trick. Oh, let’s get the square root of you tricking and it equals a hoe with no morals.
You both are wretched and trifling. You made out with him right before his girlfriend was set to give birth to their child. Regardless if the child is his or not, she was up in the hospital giving birth and you got your legs spread giving him your goodies. SMDH! You got a lot of nerve. Then you go on trying to slay her character saying that she is notorious for sleeping around and that she has cheated on him several times, but here you are sleeping with her man! So, what does that say about you? Ole’ trifling a** trick! And, he’s doing the very same thing that he is claiming she did to him. He’s cheating with you!! HELLO!!! Y’all are some dumba**es, I swear!
I don’t understand why you are writing me. You say that you have no intention of sleeping with him while he is in a relationship, well, move the hell on and get your own man. He is not leaving his woman for you. He is not going to leave her and make you his girlfriend. He’s told you that he was happy and he went back to her. Hell, he’s been going back to her even after knowing she’s cheated on him. He’s only sleeping with you because he wants revenge on her. He sat up there and said he wouldn’t cheat on her because he knows how it feels, yet, he’s slept with you, and attempting to do it again. And, you’re struggling with what again? Chile, donkey days are back again.
And, for the record, please stop calling him your friend. He is not your friend, and you are not his friend. The hell do I look like? Sitting up talking out the side of your neck talking about you are friends. LMBAO!
Let me answer your questions because it’s obvious you’re not too bright. He’s asked me to join him for a business trip to Vegas (he’s in the Casino management business) next month. Have I blurred the lines of friendship? Uhm, yes you have. You’re not friends. And, why would you go to Vegas with him and expect nothing to happen? Oh, yeah, it’s because he is expecting sex, and you want more sex, and you’re confusing his intentions with wanting a relationship. Girl, he is not leaving his woman. He’s told you that he wants to marry her, and he has never loved anyone like he has loved her. Thus, by my deductions and calculations his heart is with her. Not with you. You’re just someone to bang while he is in pain.
Is he thinking there’s more, that I can be that other woman? Ding, ding, ding, yes, you are the other woman. No, he doesn’t think there’s something more. He’s clear and has been clear with you. He only wants you as his sideline hoe. Where is he at night? Where does he lay his head? Who does he always speak about? It ain’t you!
He said he knows how much it hurts to be cheated on and couldn’t do it himself. Do I take his word for it? Girl, you are real silly! Silly as hell! So, what he’s doing with you is not cheating? I’ll wait while you ponder this. SMDH!
Common sense is escaping me in this situation. Is he crying out for someone to help him move on from his current girlfriend? Yes, he’s crying out, but not for someone to help him move on. He isn’t ready to leave her. If he was then he would have left the first time she cheated. Or the second, or third time. The fact that he has not left, and has not made any attempts in doing so should let you know that he is not going to leave her. Their relationship is something you cannot and will not ever understand. Two hurt people who continue to hurt one another and trying to get one up on each other. But, let me run this by you: If she cheats on him, and he finds out, and he doesn’t leave but stays with her, and instead cheats on her to get revenge, then what type of game do you think they have and are playing with each other?
Look, you’re not too bright, but I do hope you will wake up and see that you are nothing more to him but a trick. He’s using you to get back at her, and you caught feelings. He’s going to dump you, and end the affair and will be back with her, happily and engaged, and probably expecting another child. You’ll be out in the cold wondering why you fell for his pain and hurt and why he chose her over you. We all love wounded dogs, pets, and animals. We hate to see someone hurting and in pain, especially by someone they love. But, if they won’t leave, and they continue to stay with their partner despite the cheating, lies, and deception, then you cannot, and will not make them leave their partner. There is something deeper and stronger in their relationship you can’t fathom or imagine. Leave them alone and go do you. – Terrance Dean
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Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean