Dear Bossip: We’ve Been Dating Off And On For 5 Years, But I’m So Over Him & Want It To Be Over

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I am 23-years old, in college, no kids, and living with my boyfriend, who is two years older than me, and works for a prison.

We have been on and off for 5 years. And have broken up about 3-4 different times, for anywhere for 4-9 months at a time. When I would leave he would beg me to come back one minute, and then threaten me saying I owed him money or other material things. And he would call me repeatedly. Many times my moving out was the result of an argument that went too far, or that feeling somewhere inside that I needed my space. I would start a new job, get a new place on my own, and be enjoying the single life. Once I got use to not being around him, we would see each other in my small town, and somehow we would wind up back talking. And, eventually find a new place together.

This last time we got back together, was July 2011, and have been together up to now. But, I feel again, that we are not right for each other, but I am trying to slowly move toward getting my things and moving again. This time I feel I will not return, because of many reasons. I was adamant about giving it one last go because I felt that maybe I had not properly communicated my feelings about our relationship, and other things that were bothering me before, the other times I moved.

So, this time I have tried everything.  I have written my thoughts down on paper and left the letters in places he could see them, only to wake up and see the letter gone, and to hear no mention of any of my concerns. I have sent text messages for him to read when he gets off, and done tons of other things, including trying to sit and talk with him, and even suggested couple’s counseling. All he does is downplay the severity of my concerns and say we can do couple’s counseling one minute, and the next we don’t need it.

And, the past 5 months or so I have had a thought that he could possibly be cheating or doing things he does not want me to know about. I saw a message on his phone on morning, that said Hey Baby, and when I asked him, he said his friend sent that to him by accident. He even went so far as to have his friend talk to me on his phone, which I think somehow he gave him a heads up. And I also read a message in his phone where he was telling someone what he was doing while sitting at the house, and they asked why he didn’t call them back. He tried to tell me that his friend was using his phone on their way home from the prison to text some other chick or something like that, and that he was just pretending to be him so he wouldn’t blow the dude’s cover. Mind you I did not believe it, but I guess a part of me wanted to. My mind was telling me that I know better.

Since these two incidents he has locked his phone with a pass code, and never sleeps with it any further away than arms reach. Which has me suspicious. He has also been hanging out with his friends more recently, and staying out until 2 am or later, while I am at work. We work opposite shifts, so during days we work, we don’t see each other long, unless he is headed to bed. Within the past few months, specifically the past month, he has not answered a lot of my calls, texts, or questions when I ask where he is at. He has been out of town several times in the past week.

One day he was actually gone for over 12 hours when we were both off. He was gone one morning when I got off at around 8 am, and when I called twice he did not answer, and his phone started going straight to voicemail. Then shortly after he texted me, saying, “I am busy, what is it?” And, since then things have really began going downhill. I have since applied for an apartment and started making plans to move. We actually had not spoken for about 2 and a half weeks until his car broke down. He has never apologized, but when I refused to play taxi he proceeded to tell me I had to move out, and he was giving me so many days to go. And, if I don’t leave soon, I will not like the roommate he gets. He even went so far as to say some other hurtful things.

I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with me, and why even with everything I have told you. I feel bad about leaving. I am a beautiful young woman, with goals and dreams of being married with children. And not with him. But even still I cannot walk away without being sad. I grew up in a single parent home, with a father who was absent, and I honestly believe it has affected my relationships some sort of way. Basically, my last few conversations with him have gone like this, he talks crazy, tells me to get out, and then after he “cools” off he tells me if we are going to be together we need to fix stuff. Which has me dumbfounded because I was the one always telling him that, but he didn’t care.

Now that he knows I am looking at apartments, and that I am starting to detach myself from him, he wants to try to say whatever he can to get a reaction and hurt me since I’m leaving. And, then on the other aspect, hurt me, so that in some way I don’t wanna leave, and I choose to stay. If you can understand this, please help. This is not even all of it.

We do not even enjoy things couples do, no dates, he shows no interest in anything I am interested in, but will jump at the opportunity to go do something with his friends. My career goals, life goals, are of no importance to him, he asks occasionally about certain things, but shows no genuine interest. I can say I want to go to Law School, which I do, and he will say, “As long as you have the grades, and the MONEY……go for it.” SMH. Really???? The first 6 months to a year we dated, we went to football games, theme parks, movies, watched movies at home, and had fun. The past few months or so, we do not even go window shopping together. We do it separately.

I have supportive family and friends that believe I deserve better, as do I. And are willing to help me move on. But I can’t help feeling some sort of guilt or sadness over leaving. But, I am told to remind myself of all the reasons I wanted to leave, and the fact that I am still young. Please help. Truthfully this has been my only true relationship since I started college at 17-years old. I have dated guys in between, and even before him, but there was never this sort of attachment. Please give me your best advice for a young woman. I am not insane, and I consider myself to be very outspoken, outgoing, and happy. But this is weighing me down. Please give me that advice I need to hear, that I can only get from you. Thank you so much, and sorry for being so longwinded, I tried not to write everything. – Want To Leave

Dear Ms. Want To Leave,

Girl, please leave! Damn!! All this drama and you know better, and you know you deserve something different, and all this crazy bull-ish he is putting you through and you’re contemplating on what to do. Chile, please. Pack your bags, move into your apartment, and just leave him. Ugh!

I would hate to be one of your friends whom you call all the damn time. I can hear you now on the phone whining and complaining about your relationship and your man. I would stop answering the phone as soon as I see your name come across the screen. Better yet, as soon as I heard you going into your tirade about him I would just hang up on you’re a**. CLICK! LOL!

Honey, your letter is nothing but you whining about your situation, and your man whom you know is no good. All this pouting and sitting there with your arms folded and rocking back and forth crying is not cute. If you are about your business, and you’re in school, got a job, and independent, then why do you need him? He ain’t –ish! He ain’t got –ish! Stop whining about it and do something about it. GET UP AND LEAVE HIS A**!!

Chile, he’s happy with his job and has no interest in doing anything to better his life. He is complacent. That is why he can’t celebrate you or your dreams. He is going to keep –ishing on your dreams and goals because he doesn’t have any. You’re going to outdo and outshine him. And, he knows you will eventually leave him for someone better, with more, and who treats you better. So, he berates and demeans you to keep you low and in the gutter with him. If you like the gutter life, and you want to be poor trash, then knock yourself out.

My advice is for you to move. Hell, move out of your town. Apply to a school in another state, or another city. Someplace far away from him. You need to rid yourself of that snake and his slithering low life ways. Get away and stay away. He doesn’t celebrate you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t even like you. And, it’s because he can’t celebrate his own successes, because he doesn’t have any. He doesn’t respect himself, so he can’t respect you. And, he doesn’t even like himself, so how can he like you? He is miserable. And, Ms. Honey, misery loves company. So, get out of the rut, let him move someone else in, and let those miserable a** people live together.

He is not the end all or be all. He’s trifling, childish, and immature. He’s cheating on you, lying to you, and taking out his frustrations of his own miserable life on you. He’s a bum. A jerk. An a**hole. Why be bothered with that? Chuck up the deuces and get your life!

Love yourself enough to move on and walk away. You’re beautiful, smart, intelligent, educated, and focused. You two are on two different pages, from two different walks of life, and two different goals and ideas for a relationship. You don’t match. So, quite trying to force it to work. It doesn’t and it won’t. And, all his demeaning you and talking down to you is not serving you or building you. If he is not building you, inspiring you, encouraging you, and uplifting you, then he is not the man for you. For no man will tear down a woman. It only shows his insecurities, and weaknesses. And, why would you want to be with a weak and insecure man? – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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