Almost 4 years ago, I thought that I had married the man of my dreams.
(Mind you, I was young at the time; 20-years old to be exact, so that really doesn’t spell out much!) From the beginning of our relationship, we were doomed! I didn’t see all of the red flags because I was oblivious, and was “head over heels in love” with him. We didn’t date long at all, because him and my brothers were really good friends, and we had known each other prior to entering the relationship.
One of my brothers really liked the fact that we hooked up, while the other one completely stopped talking to me. (That itself should have been red flag number 1.)
Our first year of marriage should have been the last, to say the least! He’s from a different state than I, so when we would go to visit his family, his ex girlfriend would always make herself available to be at his parent’s house. He’s from a VERY small town, where everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows everyone’s business. At first, I didn’t think too much of it, mainly because I have an ex that still comes around and visits my family, and there was NOTHING in between him and I.
However, rumors started circulating that he was still sleeping with her. I asked him about it, and of course, he denied it; and foolishly, I believed him. A couple of months roll along, she pops up pregnant, and tells everyone that it’s his baby. (I found that out through a cousin that’s not close to his immediate family.) I asked both him and her about it, and they both denied that she was indeed pregnant by him. He admitted to receiving an “oral transaction” from her, but that was all. I was hurt by it, but I wanted revenge and ended up sleeping with my ex, (which I didn’t end up telling him about until a year and a half later.) I wanted him to see how it felt to be betrayed. I wanted him to hurt the way that I was hurting.
Yes, that was VERY childish, trivial, and dumb on my behalf! And, I wanted to slap myself on numerous occasions for being SOOOOOO DAMN DUMB! Time goes by and it’s assumed that the baby isn’t his because another guy stepped up and is taking care of the baby. I still feel some type of way towards it, but I just take it for what it’s worth.
Throughout the next 2 and a half years, more infidelity issues arise, and I left him. No kudos for me though, because I went back to him like a dumb a**! He admitted everything, apologized, and blah, blah, blah! We do have a daughter together, so I felt like “ooh, since I didn’t have a father figure in my life, (my dad died at a young age), my daughter deserves to have hers in her life.” BULL-ISH! I don’t deserve to be miserable just because a boy can’t keep his lil pecker in his pants! And my daughter DEFINITELY doesn’t deserve to grow up seeing that mess take place, because she’ll grow to think that it’s okay to accept behaviors like that from a man. Umm, NO!
Did I mention the fact that he’s hood rich?! He doesn’t like paying his bills, but he LOVES to look fly. The one thing that Granny always told me was to make sure that my house was taken care of first, and the rest would fall in place. Not him! He’s sooooooo materialistic! At first it wasn’t a problem, because we both had pretty good jobs. I would pay the bills, and he would pay the rent. When we found out that I was pregnant, I had to quit my job, so he had to pick up the slack. He decided that he would go out and buy rims for his truck, instead of paying the bills and buying our daughter a crib, and WAS PROUD OF HIMSELF! I nicely sold them, made sure that our bills were up to date, bought our daughter a crib, and saved the rest in a rainy day fund. (One that I should’ve BEEN used!)
So, now, I’m FINALLY at my breaking point, and have FINALLY had enough! I called myself getting a backbone, and told him that I cheated on him with my ex 2 years ago—that’s when the dynamics of our entire relationship changed! NOW he wants to be the man that he was supposed to be from the beginning. NOW he wants to be super dad, and tries to be super husband! (But I won’t let him get that close to me.) He’s made all types of plans for “our future” to renew our vows and get back on the right path in the sight of God, and all of that other stuff that should have happened the day that we said “I do.”
I told him that I have no interest in pursing anything with him in the future, other than raising our daughter cordially, but he keeps insisting. I told him that I’m going to file for a divorce when I move out, and that he’s more than welcome to have visitation, or even joint custody of our daughter. He insists that I’m not going anywhere, because we’re going to work our marriage out.
I understand that we’re young, and it takes males a longer time to mature than it does females, but I figure by 25, you should have your -ish together.
Well, I’m 24, and in the process of getting everything the way that I want it, but he’s 27! I’m SOOOO done with this relationship! I’ve filed for a legal separation, and I’m in the process of apartment searching so that I can move back home. Everyone says that I’m heartless and that I should give him another chance to work this out, because he’s “such a good guy!” But, I feel like it’s past all of that! We’ve been to marriage counseling, and it didn’t help, in my eyes. I just want to say “F U” to everybody, because they don’t know everything that I’ve been through in this relationship.
I’ve cut ties with 2 REALLY good friends, who’ve I’ve been friends with since middle school because they’re telling me that I’m wrong for wanting to bail out on him. But I’ve completely checked out of this marriage! My heart just isn’t in it anymore! I’m NOT in love with him anymore! Am I REALLY that wrong and heartless? Is there something that everyone else is seeing that I’m not? He’s a liar, cheater, and irresponsible when it comes to taking care of home. Is that excusable now days, just because he’s fine? – Tired And Divorcing
Dear Ms. Tired And Divorcing,
Uhm, no you’re not heartless. You’re heart-FULL! And, no he’s not a “such a good guy.” Like you said, everyone doesn’t know what you’ve been through. They don’t know the drama behind closed doors. They don’t know about the ex, and all his other silly antics he puts you through. And please don’t tell them. Just do what you need to do and get the divorce.
See, that is the problem when other folks want to dictate your marriage and relationship. They only see the person in passing. They only know them casually. They don’t live with them 24/7. They do not know how they treat you, the drama they put you through, and all the lies and deception you deal with. They don’t know about the infidelities. They don’t know about the empty promises they make. They don’t know about the nights you’re worried and stressed because they are taking you through it. They only see, “the good guy,” that they know when he’s on his best behavior. Freak that! Stop letting others dictate your relationship and they are not aware of all the information and facts.
I’m so proud of you for getting it together and packing your –ish and getting out of that marriage. All of a sudden he wants to be a husband and play daddy because he learned that you slept with an ex. Well, did he consider all of this while he was philandering with his ex? How about the two and half years he was cheating and sleeping around with other women? Did he think about you and his marriage? Did he consider being a husband when he went out and bought rims for his car instead of a crib for his own child? Girl, tell him to “miss me and the short yellow bus with the rims he is riding on.”
So, are you supposed to stay with him and wait for him to grow up and get it together? Are you supposed to wait until he learns financial money management? Are you supposed to wait until he gets all of his cheating ways out of him? Uhm, no ma’am. Like I’ve said a thousand times before, “When people show you who they are, believe them!!!” He has shown you who he is. He cannot be trusted. He’s a liar. He’s not financially sound. He’s still a little boy trying to play with his friends in the playground called “the streets.” He wants to live “hood rich,” yet, at the same time brag he got a wifey at home. But, when you play “hood rich,” and trying to impress “the streets,” you end up playing with other little boys who ain’t got –ish, won’t be –ish, and never will have –ish.
And, the sad part is that no one is calling him out on his behavior. No one in his family pulled his coat tail and told him that his ex needs to stop coming around because he is married. No other male authority, or father figure has sat him down and schooled him on being a man, and the responsibilities he needs to take care of at home. He has no males in his life that are calling him out on his –ish because they are all doing the same thing!! HELLO!
Ladies, ladies, ladies! Before you date a man, or marry a man please look at the company he keeps. If all his boys are in “the streets,” and he is consumed with being “hood rich,” or if he has no positive male role models, no father figure, or any man in his life who is “about that married life,” then please do not date or marry him. He will only emulate his friends behavior, (birds of a feather flock together). And, if his friends won’t call him out on his behavior it’s because they are about that “dating but single life.” They all cheat on their girls, and no one thinks it’s wrong, and none of them will call each other out on their behavior because none of them wants to appear un-cool, or not one of the “boys.” So, they co-sign one another’s bull-ish behavior. Chile, boo!
Another valuable lesson here: Premarital counseling. Assume you know nothing about your potential mate. Assume you just met them (which many of you just did), but assume you just met them yesterday. Now, go to premarital counseling and listen to everything they are saying. Listen to who they say they are. Listen to their expectations for marriage. Listen to what they are willing to give in the marriage. Listen to everything, and then ask them, “Where did you learn the concept of marriage? Where did you see us five, ten, fifteen, and twenty years from now? And, are you committed to monogamy? Are you committed to me? Are you committed to yourself?”
So, Ms. Honey, keep it moving, and get your own place. You have to be responsible for you and your daughter. It’s great you want to allow him visitation or joint custody, but don’t be foolish. Go to court and let the judge sort it out. Do not make these arrangements on your own. Let the judge handle this. And, please, get him on child support payments. Again, do not make arrangements with him. Do not try to handle this on your own. Let the judge do this. For your own sanity and your daughter’s well-being, make sure you handle things accordingly. He will tell you all the lies, and all the things he will do. He will make promises from here to Africa of what he is going to do to take care of his daughter, and be a part of her life. Lies, lies, lies I tell you. He is just telling you these things to fill your head up. He can’t keep his promises. He can’t be trusted. Just like all of sudden he wants to be daddy, play husband, and save the marriage. Well, for four years he didn’t maintain his promise to be faithful in your marriage, so how can he make promises he knows he can’t keep? His track record is negative zero. – Terrance Dean
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