Dear Bossip: He Did Everything To Get My Attention, But Once We Started Dating He Disappeared – Why?

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

How do you do? I am a regular on the blog Bossip and I have read many of your response letters to different women on different topics…quite entertaining and informative.

I am writing actually to get you to look into a topic or to give your thought on this situation which I am sure many women may have faced while having relationships with men. The withdrawal…why do men choose to withdraw or give the silent treatment even when things ‘appear’ to be going well in a relationship?

I had a situation where a man I met came on so strong about dating me. I am a believer of being friends with a person to get to know their personality and character first before diving into a relationship. But, then again people wear masks and put on their best behaviors during the initial stage of any encounter or relationship.

This man did everything to get my attention, he was nice and sweet. He wanted to be my man so badly and finally I agreed to dating and a relationship. Shortly after the relationship started, I noticed he was withdrawing. Classic signs; no returning of phone calls or text messages and eventually vanished like a ghost. You guessed it right, he returned at his convenience and made up some really flimsy excuses. I was intuitive enough, followed my instinct and kept him at bay even though he makes every attempt to be close to me.

My question for you is this, why do men do this? Why get into a relationship if you know that you will not follow through. It is insulting and frustrating to have a man plead, beg and do whatever it takes to get into a relationship with you and then vanish just like that for no apparent reason. I will really like to get your thought on this and how to look out for men like this. Thank you. – Don’t Understand Vanishing Men

Dear Ms. Don’t Understand Vanishing Men,

Honey, everyone wants to know the answer to this million dollar question. Uhm, where can I collect my coins? I want it in all in twenties. LOL!

There are a number of reasons men disappear from relationships. And, I’ll list a few:

1.)    Men like the thrill of chasing women. They are hunters and love scouring the plains of the earth searching for prey that is a challenge. They will go through hell and high water to get the prey that is elusive. Like you did with your man, avoiding him, resisting him, ignoring his attention only makes him work harder to get you, the prey. He will not give up until he conquers his conquest. He’s on a mission and he will not give up until he has mastered making you his prey. And, once he gets the prey, and has enjoyed his fill of his conquest he is ready to move on the next elusive prey. And, this leads to his next reason of why he disappears.

2.)    Once he’s conquered his prey, and you are no longer elusive or a challenge, he grows tired and wants another challenge. Yes, you made him wait, and made him work for it, but once he conquered you, you were no longer a thrill for him. You were no longer intriguing. Because most times many women become comfortable. They no longer make him work for her love, her heart, and her mind. And, unfortunately, men like this you have to keep their interest and desire by remaining somewhat elusive. Make him feel he still has work to do to keep you. Yeah, he may think he’s gotten what he wanted, but don’t give him everything. Keep him on his toes, and that means you have to always be two steps ahead of him.

3.)    Keeping two steps ahead of him makes him work harder. His interest and attention is doing everything possible to please you, make you happy, and capture your heart, love, and mind. Eventually you will end up on the same page and you’ll become equals. You’ll be able to engage one another on an emotional, mental, and physical level.

But, let’s analyze some other reasons men stray, become ‘ghost,’ and disappear. The conversation may not be equal. You may be more intelligent, and he can feel threatened by your intellect. He knows you will peep his game and see through his BS, so he gets in and gets out quickly. He doesn’t want to be exposed for a fraud, and you call him out on his game.

Second, the reality is that he is after one thing and one thing only. Sex! The no return calls, texts, or disappearing acts is classic, “I just want to get in your drawers, and see what the good-good is like.” He’s a hoe. A tramp. And, once he’s gotten to experience the goods, he’s off to conquer his next woman. Unfortunately it’s hard to see these men for who they are because they are con men. They know what to say and when to say it. Honey, they are good listeners. They will tell you everything opposite of what you say you don’t want in a man. You say, “I’m looking for a good man to be honest and truthful. I don’t want to play games. I want someone serious and someone who’s ready to settle down.” And, then he says, “I’ve been working on myself. I’m not the man I was 5 years ago. I’m looking for a good woman to settle down with and make my wife. I’ve been looking for a long time, and I’m lucky to have found you. You’re intelligent, smart, beautiful, and the woman I want to have my kids. I just want a chance to prove myself to you.” And, scene! LOL!

Third, most men are players and as such they have several women they are dating. Yes, he is seeing several other women, or perhaps has a girlfriend or wife. You’re just something to do on the side. He won’t be honest to tell you this because he knows you will not stick around if you know he is seeing several women. He knows that you know you will not be his main focus. And, no woman will settle to being second to another woman. So, he lies. He manipulates and he deceives you. You think you’re in a relationship until you run into him at the mall or a restaurant and see him with another woman. Or, another woman calls your phone inquiring who you are and why her man is calling you. And, you’re confronted with the reality of why he’s been ignoring your calls and texts. You’ll understand why he disappeared.

Lastly, he just may not be into you. After all that work, getting to know you, and then getting in the bed with you he realizes that you’re not compatible. He may not like your personality, your quirkiness, or you nagging and calling him all the time. Hell, he’s probably not into you sexually. He may be Mr. Freak-A-Leak, and you’re Ms. Pure-And-I’m-Not-Doing-That. So, because he feels like an a** for taking you through all that, and him thinking you were the one, and he can’t be honest to tell you the truth, he disappears. Vanishes. He’ll resurface because like most men he will keep some p***y on reserve for those lonely cold nights. And, you will become one of those lonely cold nights.

Look, I could go on speculating, but the one thing that could help you know why this happened to you is to ask your man what happened. Communicate with him and ask him to be truthful and honest. Tell him to stop bull-ishing you and just come clean and stop lying. Only he has the answers to why he stopped calling, texting, and disappeared out of your life. Ask to meet him in a public place and let him know that you’re just looking to understand what happened, and why he felt he couldn’t talk to you and share what’s on his mind, and what he’s feeling. Then, after he explains himself, smile, nod, and just get up and walk away. Walk right out of his life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     
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