Dear Bossip: I Left An Abusive Marriage & Now I’m Dating A Bi-Sexual Man, But I Can’t Tell My Family

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I have been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now.

I really care about him and he makes me happy. I am 23-years old and was married before. It was just not a good situation. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive and I finally had the strength to leave. My boyfriend and I started off as friends because I wasn’t looking to get into another relationship for a while. I wanted to focus on getting into law school. He is helping me with my applications because he just finished law school.

I care about him so much and have started introducing him to friends and family. He was even my date to my mom’s wedding. There is just one thing that I’m scared of them finding out. He is bi-sexual. I found out months after we had been dating and hooking up. I respect his honesty and I accept him for who he is, but my family and friends aren’t so accepting and I just know they will have a lot to say about it. We are in an exclusive relationship. I’m not sure what I should do because I care about him and I can see a future with him. How do I deal with them potentially finding out? –  Bi-business

Dear Ms. Bi-business,

Ma’am, you’re 23-years old and have been married before. Now, that I am concerned about. You didn’t say how long you were married, and how long you were with your ex-husband. But, the fact that he was physically and emotionally abusive says a lot. And, I wonder if you received any help with a therapist for the abusive you endured? I wonder if you have fully and truly healed from that relationship.

My concern is that you did not truly heal, and now you’re entering into another relationship where, clearly, your judgment is not clear and your self-esteem is truly low. You can sit up here and say all you want that you care about him, and can see a future with him, but what happens when he wants to be with a man? What happens when he desires to be with a man physically? Are you okay with him stepping out and fulfilling his urges?

I can see through your letter and know that you are hurting, and you are in pain. You’re still dealing with the residuals of the abuse from your ex-husband, and this man befriended you and he’s attentive to your needs. You’re searching for someone to love you, take care of you, and make you feel good. And, this man is doing that, but at the same time he’s asking you to accept him being bi-sexual. That is a lot to take on, and I’m sure your head is clouded with him making you feel good, so you’re willing to put up with his sexuality. But, if you were truly in a clear mind and state of well being I don’t think you would be in a relationship with him. Let’s consider that it took him months after you started dating and hooking up to tell you that he is bi-sexual. Now, is that truly honesty? Is that someone who truly cares about you? You two had already been hooking up and in a relationship when he decided to tell you. That is deceptive if you ask me. He should have been upfront about this from the beginning instead of deceiving you and having you fall in love with him.

And, there is nothing wrong with someone who is bi-sexual, there are many bi-sexual people in the world. However, you have to be truly willing to be with someone who enjoys the company of someone of the same sex. You have to know that they will yearn and need the comfort of someone of the same sex. It’s not something that will go away just because you feel that you are in a committed exclusive relationship with them. Just because they are with you it doesn’t disappear or go away. It’s a part of who they are.

Have you truly read up on bi-sexuality? Have you gone to the LGBT center in your area and met with someone to discuss the positives and negatives of dating someone who is bi-sexual? There are many groups you can join or visit to meet others who date or are in relationships with persons who are bi-sexual. Please seek them out, and inquire.

And, have you spoken with your therapist about dating a man who is bi-sexual? Oh, my bad, you don’t have a therapist. You’re one of the self-healing, self-treating persons who get out of destructive and bad relationships and think that just because you walked away that you are healed. Uhm, boo boo, you are not healed. You need professional help. Because if you don’t speak with someone, a therapist or psychiatrist, you will keep repeating the same behavior over and over again.

And, you will find yourself dating a man who is bi-sexual, and you will be okay with it because you are either 1.) Running from something. Perhaps you feel it’s okay to be with him and knowing that he may leave you for another man. That gives you a way out just in case things don’t work out.

2.) You don’t love yourself enough to know that this could not possibly be a wise choice. While you’re out and he sees a man he is attracted to, and he compliments that man. Are you comfortable with hearing those comments? Are you comfortable seeing his eyes wander over to another man?

3.) The fact that you are afraid of your family potentially finding out means that you hiding him. Which means you are afraid to tell them because you know that it’s not something you should be doing. If you’re hiding a part of who he is, then you are not being truthful about your feelings for him. If you love him and can see yourself with him then you wouldn’t be concerned about what your family thought of him. But, hiding him and keeping his secret only benefits him. You are co-signing his behavior of not being honest, thus, you lie to your family. That is not healthy.

I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into. I don’t think you’re fully aware of the consequences, thus, that is why you are reluctant to tell your friends and family members. They know how fragile you are, and they will speak out against your relationship. And, it’s because they are looking out for your best interest because you’re 23-years old, and have just come out of an abusive marriage.

I truly feel you need to seek professional help for the healing of your past relationship, and hopefully in your healing process other things will become clear for you. And, as things become clear you will be able to see why you’re doing what you’re doing, and if you really want to be in this relationship. While you’re in therapy you can peel back the layers of hurt and pain, and get to the core of you and your center and the choices you are making. Is the hurt and pain causing you to run from reality? Is the hurt and pain causing you to cloud your judgment? And, please explore and learn about bi-sexuality. You need to be fully educated on dating someone who is sexually attracted to the same sex. You will wake up one day and find your man in bed with another man, and can you truly handle that? Or, he may want you to put on a 9 inch strap-on and he throws his legs behind his ears after handing you the Astro-glide lube. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     
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