I’m a 38 year old woman and I’m dating a 26 year old man.
I’m writing you because I’m so depressed and hurt. I’ve been feeling this way for about the last two years. I first met “Charles” about six years ago and we haven’t always been in a relationship but we have always “acted” like we were until we made it official a couple of years ago.
We have had many ups and downs and there is too much history to repeat. When Charles and I first met, he was very nice and lots of fun. We got along so well and I looked out for him while he was still in college. Well, he graduated a few years ago and we have never really stopped “talking.” Only a few times and for maybe a couple of months at a time.
Anyway, we are in a very bad place. I feel like he doesn’t really love me anymore and I absolutely adore him and love him so much. Charles is very mean to me! He started having back problems about two years ago and he really started to be mean then because of the pain. Well, I do my part and I try to see about him, but he’s unrelenting. For the past 8 months strong, Charles has really been acting a donkey. He is so mean to me. I can’t really say anything to him without him going berserk.
If we’re on the phone and there’s a period of silence he goes into a rage. He says that he’s smarter than me and says I always do stupid stuff and that I’m childish….which I’m not. He makes me cry about 5 days out of the week. Whenever I talk to him I’m always on the verge of tears and I’m afraid that I’m going to say the wrong thing to him and set him off. He’s not physically abusive to me, however I will say that I think he is verbally abusive. He yells and screams at me always as if I’m a child. I’m so depressed and unhappy. I don’t want to leave the house anymore and I’ve found myself being withdrawn from family and friends.
Let me give you some examples: If I ask him what he’s doing this evening and he’ll say probably nothing. I’ll say okay and we’ll most likely get off the phone after chatting for several more minutes. Well, later on that evening I might ask him again if he decided to do anything and he’ll go off and curse me out and tell me how stupid and dumb I am and that I don’t listen or do what he tells me to do. I just sit on the phone like are you serious, what did I do? He’ll continue to berate me. I’ll only ask him the question because he had said that he didn’t know and I’m just making conversation. He tells me that we would be okay if I listened to him and did everything said.
Charles gets mad if I have an opinion about something he does and I may question him about it. He gave me a list of things of what not to do and that I don’t have to do because he says I don’t do -ish for him anyways. I cook for him, iron his clothes, make love to him, call him, wash his clothes sometimes and whatever he asks me to do really. I don’t have a problem doing these things, I just don’t think it’s enough for him and I don’t think he appreciates me.
Here’s the list of things he told me to follow: Don’t ask the same question twice because it pisses him off. Don’t ask him if I can cook for him. Don’t ask him to have sex. Don’t ask him why when he wants to get off the phone. Don’t call back when he hangs up the phone on me. Don’t talk when he says he’s going to bed. Don’t call back and ask a question when he says he’s going to bed. Don’t talk when he’s talking. Don’t ask dumb questions. When he says hang up the phone don’t keep trying to talk. Do what he tells me to do and don’t get on his f****** nerves, and stop f****** crying.
He makes me cry by the way he talks to me so badly. He says the meanest things and always tells me that I’m f****** another man. Which I’m not. It’s to the point now where I’m so afraid of him. I’m afraid to express myself and I just hold my head down. I try to tell myself to leave him and I just can’t. I know that I don’t deserve this, I just can’t walk away. We don’t have any kids together and he doesn’t have any either. I feel like I’m disposable. I have no self-worth. I’m so unhappy. I’m so sad and depressed. I don’t feel like I’m loved by anyone.
Please guide me through this with some advice. I know you’re going to tear me apart. I do pray about it and I know it’s a toxic relationship. I just keep thinking that he’ll change back into the person I first met. Charles says that until I learn to do what he asks, I’ll continue to get the same treatment. But, I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m never mean to him, which even he admits. I just love him. – Always On The Verge Of Tears
Dear Ms. Always On The Verge Of Tears,
Where do you women meet these men? Seriously, please provide the locations and areas so we can all avoid them.
Ma’am. Please leave. Please. For your own sanity, health, and well-being. Please leave. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love himself. And, if he doesn’t love himself then he can’t love you. It’s impossible.
A man who berates, yells, screams, and demeans a woman is not a man. He is not wonderful, loving, caring, or considerate. He’s slime. He’s a bum. He’s an a**hole. He’s a jerk. He’s a sorry excuse of a man.
What’s so sad is that you are not even at your wits end. You are not even fed up, so telling you to leave is pointless and useless because you’re hoping and wishing he is going to change back into the man you fell in love with. You’re hoping he is going to have this big revelation and ‘aha’ moment and apologize for his behavior. He is not. He is not going to change. He is not going to be the man you fell in love. In fact, he is that same man you fell in love, you just didn’t recognize the signs early on. He’s always been that man, and he was slowly working on tearing you down, and negating who you are. This is not new. This is not an overnight thing. He’s been doing it for a while. And, unfortunately, it’s just that you’re now waking up and seeing it. And, you think he just became this man. Sorry, boo boo, Charles is, was, and will always be an a**hole. So, pull yourself together, and exit stage left.
Girl, girl, girl, girl, the fact that he gave you a list of things not to do to piss him, then you should have politely given him your list of things not to do to piss off a woman. And, you should have given him a list of things to do to make a woman happy. Because when a woman’s fed up! Ba-by!!!! I don’t see why you won’t boil you some grits the next time he wants to yell, and scream at you. Yeah, that will fix his a**! But, on the real, as soon as he provided you with that list you should have accommodated him and left his narrow broke back a** alone! That’s what he wants from you. He wants you to leave him alone. So, leave his a** alone!!
So, let’s get you together and get you out of this situation. You’ve admitted that you are aware it’s a toxic relationship. And, a toxic relationship with a toxic person will kill you. And, he’s killed your spirit. He’s killing you bit by bit by bit, and you’re allowing him. Then, he had the gall to say that until you learn to do what he asks you’ll continue to get the same treatment? Honey, he has back problems, well, he would have leg and d**k problems. When someone doesn’t make you a priority in their life, then stop making them a priority in yours. Stop making someone the lead character in your life when you are an extra in theirs.
Let me ask you this: What about you will allow him to treat you in this manner? Why do you feel you deserve this treatment? Why do you give him that much power over you to make you cry and tear at your soul? Never ever give someone that much power over you and your life. Never ever allow someone to berate and demean you. And, never ever let someone call you out of your name. As soon as someone calls you out of your name that is when you make your exit. Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what they call, but what you respond to.” Well, stop responding to what he is calling you. And, let him know that he is not going to disrespect you, demean you, or devalue you. He is not going to keep treating you like you are worthless. He is not going to keep screaming, yelling, and bullying you.
It’s time you start learning how to love yourself because only someone who does not love themselves will allow someone to treat them like they are trash. You are not trash! You are not some gutter woman. You do everything for this man, and he wants to show you his a** to kiss, well, tell him to bend over and shove a big dildo up his a** and tell him to choke on that. Girl, you’re too valuable to let a man tear you down. You’re too important to let someone treat you like you’re unworthy. And, you’re too wise to let a man make you feel unappreciated. So, gather yourself, get your backbone, and lift your head and round your shoulders. Since his a** wants to be left alone, then stop answering the phone, calling him, and doing anything for him. Let him sit over there and stew in his own hatred. Let him sit alone in his own misery. Change your number, change your email, and block him out of your life. It’s time to rebuild yourself and reclaim your life without him. – Terrance Dean
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